The Swift Report

Bush: We Will Defend Marriage, Borders

They do the jobs that Americans by and large refuse to do: hairstylist, flower arranger, bathhouse attendant. But if President Bush gets his way, an amendment to the Constitution known as the Marriage and Border Protection Amendment will soon bar gay aliens from penetrating the nation's borders and undermining our most sacred institution: legal heterosexual marriage.

Group Objects to Words of Foreign Origin in National Spelling Bee

During this year's national spell-off, contestants were forced to puzzle out words of Spanish, Greek, Latin American, homosexual, even French origin. Now some native-born bee watchers say they've had enough. If they get their way, spelling bees from elementary schools to the nation's capital will soon be conducted in English only.

Home-Schooler Misspells 'Friend' in National Spelling Bee

The first round of the National Spelling Bee ended in tears for many of this year's home-schooled contestants. Fourth-grade Katie Hulmich toppled out of the competition after inadvertently swapping the vowels in 'friend,' while fifth-grade Derek Conley substituted an 'e' for the 'a' in 'secularism.' 

Jessica Simpson Snubbed Bush Over Security, Immigration, Sources Say

Sources are blaming a last-minute decision by singer/actress Jessica Simpson to snub President Bush on security issues, including the continued fall-out over the Dubai ports deal. The Hollywood hottie—and notorious hawk—had been expected to join Mr. Bush at a GOP fundraiser in Washington, DC on Thursday, but suddenly backed out of the event. Ms. Simpson was reportedly worried that her appearance with the President might be interpreted as an endorsement of his border security policies, of which she has been an outspoken critic.

More Celebrities Adopting Frozen Embryos

Angelina Jolie may be hogging the celebrity spotlight these days with post-born adopted Ethiopian infant Zahara, but the real trend among celebs is smaller and easier to carry. A growing number of A-list actresses are adopting frozen embryos, portable fertilized egg cells that can be stored for later or toted in a range of stylish accessories.

Iraqi Constitution Snags on Gay Marriage

Members of the Iraqi National Assembly are still struggling to come to an agreement on how the country's new constitution should handle a controversial issue: gay marriage. The delay in completing a constitution for Iraq comes as a blow to the Bush Administration which went into Iraq more than two years ago in order to defend traditional marriage.

Poll: Karl Rove Leak Story 'Boring,' 'Hard to Follow'

A recent poll reveals that most Americans aren't paying attention to 'Rove-gate' because the story is boring and hard to follow, and say that they would be more interested in the CIA leak probe if it involved celebrities. As to the relationship between Karl Rove and President Bush, a majority of Americans says that the long-time companions should not be allowed to marry but should enjoy many of the rights afforded to married couples.

Critics Say Harriet Miers a 'Blank' Slate

Some critics are already dismissing Harriet Miers, President Bush's nominee to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court as a 'Blank' slate. While the sixty-year-old single Miers has never been a judge, she is intimately acquainted with the criminal justice system. Known as Harri to her friends, Ms. Miers ran away from home while just a teenager, becoming in her own words "a boozer, a user and a two-time loser," before going back to school at the age of 46.

Judge Judy, Joe Brown on Supreme Court Short List

The battle over a Supreme Court justice to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is heating up, and the White House is giving its short list a good reshuffle. Off the list for now, mild-mannered former petroleum industry lobbyist Priscilla Owen and hot-tempered Janice Rogers Brown, both of whom could crumble under withering interrogation from the likes of Senators Ted Kennedy and Joe Biden. Taking their place: a handful of judges who likely won't lose their cool amid the white hot glare of the spotlight: Judge Judy and Joe Brown.

White House to Censor Photos of Incompetent Officials

The White House has requested that media outlets refrain from taking pictures of incompetent members of the Bush Administration or particular acts of incompetence. Under the new policy, journalists would be barred from photographing FEMA chief Michael Brown, Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff and President Bush himself. The move comes amid mounting criticism by conservatives that the mainstream media is exaggerating the incompetence of the Administration.