The Swift Report

Jeb Bush: Hurricane Dennis Could Be Fault of Michael Schiavo

Florida Governor Jeb Bush has asked a state prosecutor to investigate possible links between Hurricane Dennis and Michael Schiavo. Governor Bush said that he connected Mr. Schiavo with the category 3 storm after realizing that Dennis spelled backwards is actually 'sinned.'

Movement to Classify 'Liberalism' as Mental Disorder Gains Steam

Think that some of President Bush's judicial nominees are 'out of the mainstream'? Worried that John Bolton may not have the temperament to represent the U.S. at the U.N.? If some Republicans get their way, there may soon be an official diagnosis of what really ails you: political paranoia disorder.

Scientology is for Lovers! 'TomKat' Converts

It seems like only yesterday that Tom Cruise took sweetie Katie Holmes home to the mothership. Apparently we weren't the only ones wowed by club Scientology. Katie Holmes announced this week that she's taking the plunge and converting.

Foes of Evolution Set Sights on New Target: Gravity

If a group of concerned parents gets its way, high school physics students may soon be required to learn about alternative explanations of gravity. The parents say that a one-sided focus on Newton's so-called universal law of gravitation is unfair to students who don't believe in gravity. If they prevail, physics teachers may be forced to read a statement acknowledging that our understanding of gravity is just a theory. 

Drug Companies Say Promising New Therapies Could Treat 'Deeply Held Personal Beliefs'

A team of scientists has announced a breakthrough in therapies that could someday be used to treat so-called deeply held personal beliefs. The therapies, known as VOX III inhibitors, target the area of the brain responsible for generating strong opinions and have already shown promising results when tested upon lab rats and on human subjects at either end of the political spectrum.

Ban on Gay Sperm Has Community Taking Matters into Its Own Hands

Last week's decision by the Food and Drug Administration to ban gay men from donating to sperm banks has angered many in the gay community, prompting some members to take matters into their own hands. A "call-to-arms" resulted in hundreds of semen samples being sent to the FDA's Rockville, MD, headquarters.

Kansas Trial to Show Evolution is 'Monkey Business'

The trial of the century began in Topeka, KS, this week as jurors weighed the fate of a Topeka High School teacher accused of violating a state law prohibiting the teaching of evolution in Kansas schools. In February, Kansas passed a law making it a crime to deny the Biblical story of divine creation, or to teach that man was descended from a lower order of animals.

Red Parents, Blue Children? Experts Say Surgical Solution May Be Within Reach

It’s an increasingly widespread problem: ‘blue’ children born to ‘red’ parents. But is there anything that can be done to treat early onset political disorders—before they harden into life-long voting patterns? Some scientists say that innovative laser surgery may be the answer, and that putting politically disturbed children under the knife is far more effective than treating them on the couch.

Student Suspended Over Evolution Slur

A seventh grade student at a south central Kansas junior high school has been suspended after implying that a classmate was descended from monkeys. School officials say that the student's two-week suspension was merited by the seriousness of the offense. 

My Cheatin' Genes: New Study Says DNA Causes Women to Stray

A new study of identical twins says that there may be a genetic basis to women's infidelity. The research was quickly embraced by adulterers of both sexes, but some scientists say that "the science isn't in on this one."