The Swift Report

American Family Association Boycotting Ford over Gay Cars, Trucks

The American Family Association announced this week that it plans to boycott one of the country's top gay automakers. Ford recently announced plans to rollout five new gay automobiles, hoping to grab a piece of the market share currently owned by the Toyota Prius, the nation's unofficial top gay car.   

Citing Religion, Pharmacist Refuses to Dispense Pharmaceuticals

A Georgia pharmacist has refused to dispense pharmaceuticals, maintaining that filling prescriptions for allergy medicine, antibiotics, and erectile dysfunction treatments violates his religion. The pharmacist says that while he is still willing to sell vitamins and topical skin creams, distributing pharmaceuticals constitutes a denial of God's role as a healer.

Student Suspended Over Evolution Slur

A seventh grade student at a south central Kansas junior high school has been suspended after implying that a classmate was descended from monkeys. School officials say that the student's two-week suspension was merited by the seriousness of the offense. 

Man Sues After Being Implanted with Gay Stem Cells

A Kansas resident who underwent stem cell therapy for advanced male pattern baldness has since been diagnosed as gay. The man is now suing his doctors, alleging that they knew he did not want to be the recipient of gay stem cells.

White House Appointees May Have 'Crony's' Disease

From former FEMA-front man Michael Brown to would-be-chief of Immigration Julie Myers, the niece of Air Force Gen. Richard B. Myers, the headlines of late have been filled with reports of unqualified individuals filling high-level jobs within the Bush Administration. Now scientists say they may finally understand why. These high-level appointees and the administration officials that recommended them for their jobs probably suffer from 'Crony's' disease, a genetic mutation that causes cronyism, corruption and unbridled patronage.

New Law Says Science Teachers Must Recite "Footprints in the Sand"

Members of the Dover, PA school board have ordered science teachers who teach in area high schools to begin each session of their classes with a recitation of the beloved inspirational poem known as "Footprints in the Sand." Board members and some parents say that "Footprints" teaches important lessons about natural history, geology and oceanography.

'Bloodless' Cheney Bewilders Doctors

Doctors who performed surgery on Vice President Dick Cheney over the weekend to remove aneurysms from behind both of his knees say that they made a bewildering discovery: Mr. Cheney has no blood flowing through his veins. Doctors present in the operating theater also determined that the Vice President's body temperature is approximately 45 degrees, less than half the average human temperature.

Democrats: Roberts Must Take Disposable Litmus Test

Senate Democrats have a new strategy they say will reveal the ideological leanings of Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts: a disposable litmus test that will show his proclivities on issues from gay marriage to abortion--in less than a minute. While litmus tests have long been part of judicial confirmation hearings, this is the first time that a nominee will be subject to a disposable test.

FBI Hopes New Computer System Will Help Track Down 'Al Kayda'

A state-of-the-art computer system will soon allow the Federal Bureau of Investigation to engage in complex computing tasks, including input, computation and analysis. A 1400 mile network of pneumatic tubes will allow the agency to communicate with input engineers in the field.

Social Conservatives Take on Einstein's Theory of Relativism

Heartened by their progress in debunking Darwin's controversial theory of evolution, social conservatives are gearing up for another battle in the intellectual culture wars: against Albert Einstein's theory of relativism. Critics of the world-famous German scientist want to see his insight that nothing in the universe is morally any better than anything else replaced with a theory of moral certainty.