The Swift Report

Some See Hand of Devil in Deaths of Schiavo, Pope

The recent deaths of Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II were as untimely as they were unexpected. But now some religious leaders are asking if darker forces may have been involved—if the twin deaths were, in fact, the work of the devil. And with the Reverend Jerry Falwell still ailing, some are asking an obvious question: which religious icon will be next? 

News that the 'Rapture' Has Come and Gone Alarms Many Christians

What if the 'Rapture' happened but you were left behind? That's what millions of Christians are wondering amid mounting evidence that the Rapture, the much-anticipated event in which God summons his faithful to the heavens, may have happened earlier this month. Among the startled 'still here': House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, just one of the political leaders who had expected to be making the trek skyward.

Doctors Baffled by DeLay's Missing Heart

When House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was hospitalized with heart problems last week, doctors believed they had a common case of arrhythmia, or irregular heart beat, on their hands. Instead, the Texas representative has been diagnosed with a highly unusual ailment known as 'antirrhythmia': the absence of a discernable heartbeat.

Proposed 'Terri's Law' Would Guarantee Food, Water and Shelter to all Americans

A bill introduced into the U.S. Congress by Florida legislators this week is intended to protect the life of Terri Schiavo, the brain-dead Florida woman whose husband seeks to remove her feeding tube. But legal analysts say that the bill, which would keep Terri alive by creating a guaranteed right to food, water and shelter, could have the unintended consequence of aiding the poor, including those who are not mentally incapacitated.

Red Parents, Blue Children? Experts Say Surgical Solution May Be Within Reach

It’s an increasingly widespread problem: ‘blue’ children born to ‘red’ parents. But is there anything that can be done to treat early onset political disorders—before they harden into life-long voting patterns? Some scientists say that innovative laser surgery may be the answer, and that putting politically disturbed children under the knife is far more effective than treating them on the couch.

Pope’s Advisors Tell "Ill Papa" to 'Save His Breath'

With the 84-year-old Pope still suffering from the effects of flu and a recent tracheotomy, his advisors are urging him to choose his admonishments carefully. Sources close to the Pontiff say that they want him to avoid ‘wasting his breath’ on the condemnation of figures or acts that are only somewhat evil as opposed to truly evil.

Congressmen Firm on Erectile Drugs, Despite Pressure from Base

In their efforts to keep Medicare from subsidizing popular erection enhancement drugs, conservative lawmakers are rubbing up against an important part of their base: pro-family Christians. To make their case, pro-family activists have launched a 'remember Abraham' campaign, invoking the biblical figure who sired a son at the age of 100. 

More Aircraft Laser Incidents Pinned on Gay Club-Goers

FBI agents have traced another airline laser incident to a gay nightclub, this one in Dallas, TX.  Last year, after pilots began complaining of laser beams penetrating their cockpits, investigators linked the green beams to gay nightclubs around the country, where laser wielders use the green rays to shine a light on club ‘hotties.’

Social Security Made Simple: Privatization Scores Big with Kids

In this edition of the "Swift Report for Kids" we'll learn all about our President's plan to strengthen Social Security. What is Social Security and why do we need to do something about it? Try the "Social Security and You" Quizzle and you will see why Bush's privatization scheme is the most important domestic policy since the constitutional amendment to preserve the sanctity of your parents' marriage.

Conservatives Push for Psychiatric Diagnosis of 'Loony Leftists'

Still thinking about election fraud in Ohio? Worried that voting machines in Florida may have been hacked? If some Republicans get their way, there may soon be an official diagnosis of what really ails you: political paranoia disorder.