The Swift Report

Citing Religion, Pharmacist Refuses to Dispense Pharmaceuticals

A Georgia pharmacist has refused to dispense pharmaceuticals, maintaining that filling prescriptions for allergy medicine, antibiotics, and erectile dysfunction treatments violates his religion. The pharmacist says that while he is still willing to sell vitamins and topical skin creams, distributing pharmaceuticals constitutes a denial of God's role as a healer.

Man Sues After Being Implanted with Gay Stem Cells

A Kansas resident who underwent stem cell therapy for advanced male pattern baldness has since been diagnosed as gay. The man is now suing his doctors, alleging that they knew he did not want to be the recipient of gay stem cells.

White House Appointees May Have 'Crony's' Disease

From former FEMA-front man Michael Brown to would-be-chief of Immigration Julie Myers, the niece of Air Force Gen. Richard B. Myers, the headlines of late have been filled with reports of unqualified individuals filling high-level jobs within the Bush Administration. Now scientists say they may finally understand why. These high-level appointees and the administration officials that recommended them for their jobs probably suffer from 'Crony's' disease, a genetic mutation that causes cronyism, corruption and unbridled patronage.

Group Warns Spaying, Neutering Promote Pet Promiscuity

A growing number of traditionalist pet owners are refusing to have their dogs and cats spayed and neutered, saying that surgical sterilization encourages pets to be sexually active before they are emotionally ready.

'Bloodless' Cheney Bewilders Doctors

Doctors who performed surgery on Vice President Dick Cheney over the weekend to remove aneurysms from behind both of his knees say that they made a bewildering discovery: Mr. Cheney has no blood flowing through his veins. Doctors present in the operating theater also determined that the Vice President's body temperature is approximately 45 degrees, less than half the average human temperature.

Poll: Rove, Bush Deserve Same Benefits that Married Couples Have

According to a recent poll, a wide majority of Americans believe that long-time companions President Bush and advisor Karl Rove should have access to the same rights that married couples enjoy. Under current law, Mr. Rove would be denied hospital visitation rights should the President become ill. Nor could the two exercise the right to refuse to testify against one another should legal troubles befall one or both of them.   

Movement to Classify 'Liberalism' as Mental Disorder Gains Steam

Think that some of President Bush's judicial nominees are 'out of the mainstream'? Worried that John Bolton may not have the temperament to represent the U.S. at the U.N.? If some Republicans get their way, there may soon be an official diagnosis of what really ails you: political paranoia disorder.

Drug Companies Say Promising New Therapies Could Treat 'Deeply Held Personal Beliefs'

A team of scientists has announced a breakthrough in therapies that could someday be used to treat so-called deeply held personal beliefs. The therapies, known as VOX III inhibitors, target the area of the brain responsible for generating strong opinions and have already shown promising results when tested upon lab rats and on human subjects at either end of the political spectrum.

Ban on Gay Sperm Has Community Taking Matters into Its Own Hands

Last week's decision by the Food and Drug Administration to ban gay men from donating to sperm banks has angered many in the gay community, prompting some members to take matters into their own hands. A "call-to-arms" resulted in hundreds of semen samples being sent to the FDA's Rockville, MD, headquarters.

Critics Charge that New Food Pyramid is in Bad Taste

The U.S. agriculture department is unveiling a new icon this week intended to help Americans make healthy food choices. But despite its new look, the food pyramid now features plenty of familiar corporate logos.