The Swift Report

Hippies, Dems 'Burned Up' Over Flag Amendment

For hippies, democrats and other malcontents, summer is traditionally the peak flag-burning season of the year. But a push by Republican Senators to pass the Flag Protection Amendment may pour cold water on solstice celebrations, veggie cookouts and other warm-weather gatherings that typically feature flag burning as a main event.

Most Americans Confused About Who to Hate This Summer

As Americans begin the busy summer driving season, a new poll reveals that most are confused about who they should hate and why. While last summer's 'must hate' favorites, including war-critics Cindy Sheehan and Michael Moore, are now regarded as hated has-beens, few new 'hateables' have captured the public's attention.

Group Objects to Words of Foreign Origin in National Spelling Bee

During this year's national spell-off, contestants were forced to puzzle out words of Spanish, Greek, Latin American, homosexual, even French origin. Now some native-born bee watchers say they've had enough. If they get their way, spelling bees from elementary schools to the nation's capital will soon be conducted in English only.

Home-Schooler Misspells 'Friend' in National Spelling Bee

The first round of the National Spelling Bee ended in tears for many of this year's home-schooled contestants. Fourth-grade Katie Hulmich toppled out of the competition after inadvertently swapping the vowels in 'friend,' while fifth-grade Derek Conley substituted an 'e' for the 'a' in 'secularism.' 

Pope's Scrapbook Shows Softer Side

Benedict XVI may be known for his 'take no prisoners' approach to theological enforcement and for instilling the fear of God among followers, but the "Panzer Pope" also has a softer side. Like millions of people around the globe, the new Pontiff is a fervent adherent of the art of 'scrapbooking.' Called 'scrapping' by true believers, it's a hobby that involves pasting pictures, newspaper clippings and other memorabilia into custom-decorated albums, then supplementing these images with personal thoughts or reflections known as "journaling."

Math for Believers: 'Deometry' is Hot Subject for Fall

Forget about isosceles triangles and the Pythagorean Theorem—they're square. The hottest trend in  high-school math these days is deometry, the study of how the Creator created points, lines, angles, shapes and proofs. While critics decry the entry of religion into math class, fans of the new teaching method maintain that by giving God a primary role in geometry and other fields of mathematics, they are merely restoring balance to an area that has sought to remove all vestiges of religion from the public polygon.

No 'Filibustering' on the Dance Floor: High Schools Fight Latest Dirty Dance Craze

First there was bumping, then grinding, then freak dancing. But these dirty dances have nothing on the latest XXX-rated dance-floor craze: filibustering. Officials at US high schools say that they suspect that the lewd maneuvers probably originated in densely populated urban areas and have since popped up in suburbs and even small towns. The good news: a small army of dance chaperones has been trained to spot dance-floor offenders, before they have a chance to cop a 'fil.'

Gay Coloring Assignment Has Parents of Nursery Schoolers Seeing Red

Parents of toddlers attending a Geneva, NY nursery school responded in outrage after their children were instructed to draw and color a known symbol of the homosexual agenda: the rainbow. The school has since apologized for the episode and is taking measures to prevent future incidents, including limiting the number of crayons and markers which children can use to color.

White House Hopes New TV Program will Show Gitmo 'Reality'

The White House has reportedly approached top reality TV producers including Mark Burnett about a new reality show to be set at the Cuban detention facility known as 'Gitmo.' The new show, which the Bush Administration hopes will shine a more positive light on the controversial prison, will feature a dozen American contestants, each of whom must try to hold onto a 'secret' for an unspecified length of time.

Sesame Street Hit Hard by Red/Blue Divide

Bert and Ernie, Sesame Street staples since 1969, are packing up their striped shirts and leaving the long-time children's hit show, the casualty of GOP budget cuts and a neighborhood that increasingly embraces traditional family values. Big Bird is expected to join the confirmed bachelors in their exodus.