The Swift Report

Indictment Likely to Keep Tom DeLay from Heaven

The political future of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is in doubt today after he was indicted on a conspiracy charge. But the current heat on Mr. DeLay is nothing in comparison to what he'll experience if ethics charges result in him being 'left behind' to face a seven-year period of war, disease, famine and natural disaster known as the Tribulation.

Bush to Tour Mansions Ravaged by Estate Tax

President George W. Bush is encouraging Congress to focus on perhaps the most dire issue facing the nation today: the estate tax and its devastating impact on the richest Americans. Mr. Bush said that repealing the tax could aid tens, even dozens of Americans. Former FEMA chief and Arabian horse expert Michael Brown has been tapped to reach out to the victims of the tax.

Broke White House Rushes to File for Bankruptcy

The White House is rushing to have its debts erased, just weeks before the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act is scheduled to go into effect. By filing now, the Bush Administration avoids the law's tough new penalties, including mandatory repayment and court-ordered financial counseling. Sources close to the White House say that the Administration began having trouble paying its bills after the President burned through most of his political capital. 

Poll: Most Blame Cindy Sheehan for High Gas Prices

According to a recent poll, most Americans place the blame for skyrocketing prices at the pump squarely at the feet of anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan. The poll found that Americans were more likely to blame Mrs. Sheehan for their gasoline woes than they were illegal aliens, homosexuals, child molesters or Democrats.   

50 Cent Leaves 'Live 8' Over Trade Policy Dispute

Rapper 50 Cent, scheduled to perform in Philadelphia as part of a worldwide concert aimed at highlighting global poverty, has pulled out of the show as a result of a dispute with event organizers over trade policy. Sources close to Mr. Cent say that he is unhappy with the event's anti-globalization tone and wants to work more closely with the world's powerbrokers known as the G8, no relation to Mr. Cent's own G Unit.

This Summer's Hottest Show: Bush's 'Social Security—On the Verge of Collapse-a-pa-loo-za' Tour

This season's must see concert event isn't the Rolling Stones but President Bush's 'Social Security—On the Verge of Collapse-a-pa-loo-za' tour, otherwise known as the Summer of Fear 2005. In this Swift Report exclusive, we grab a pair of much coveted tix and go behind the scenes with the stars, do a bit of crowd surfing and score some hard-to-get Collapse-a-pa-looza swag. 

Wolfowitz: World Bank Must Introduce Free Checking, Online Bill Payment

Paul Wolfowitz, President Bush's choice to head up the World Bank, has wasted no time in laying out an ambitious agenda to remake the world's largest source of aid to developing countries. In order to effectively compete in an increasingly cut-throat lending market, says Wolfowitz, the World Bank must offer free checking and online bill payment. Some financial analysts say that the move could be risky, given the developing world's notorious suspicion of banks.

FBI to Outsource Agents to India, China

Under pressure to produce more actionable intelligence, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has announced that it plans to layoff many of its agents and outsource their positions to countries including India, China and Vietnam. The move will enable the FBI to hire three times as many agents at a fraction of the wage that they would earn in the US.

White House Hopes 'Pip-Squeak' Can Help Peddle Social Security Privatization

Tired of being pounced on by 'silverbacks,' the White House is turning to an unlikely spokesman to pitch its Social Security plan: a 9-year-old from Houston, TX, named Noah McCullough. The Bush administration hopes that Noah will have better luck selling its plan than grown-up Republicans have had.

Christian Groups Move to Block Procter & Gamble Merger

A coalition of Christian groups is calling on the Department of Justice to block the proposed merger between Procter & Gamble and razor giant Gillette because of P&G's ties to the Church of Satan. If the corporate marriage is approved, the new corporation will be the largest in the world to be controlled by Satan worshippers.