The Swift Report

Harry Potter Faces Most Devilish Opponent to Date

In the latest installment of the Harry Potter films, the young bespectacled wizard faces the darkest, most devious threat of his brief career: the powerful and mysterious leader of a secretive order. Now, some parents are warning that Harry's newest nemesis may be too frightening for young children.

Iraqi Constitution Snags on Gay Marriage

Members of the Iraqi National Assembly are still struggling to come to an agreement on how the country's new constitution should handle a controversial issue: gay marriage. The delay in completing a constitution for Iraq comes as a blow to the Bush Administration which went into Iraq more than two years ago in order to defend traditional marriage.

Miers 'Chaste,' Religious Leader Assured

Seeking to win over conservative Christians to the side of Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, administration officials have begun to spread the word that the unmarried Ms. Miers is 'chaste,' and has never lain with a man. If confirmed, Ms. Miers will likely be the first virgin justice to join the Supreme Court.

Few Americans Familiar with More than Four of Ten Commandments

While the Ten Commandments are increasingly popular in both text and tablet form, a new poll has found that few Americans are familiar with more than four of them. The Biblical bans on murder, theft, and adultery ranked highest among adults surveyed, while only a handful were familiar with Commandments prohibiting graven images and false witness.

Group Warns Spaying, Neutering Promote Pet Promiscuity

A growing number of traditionalist pet owners are refusing to have their dogs and cats spayed and neutered, saying that surgical sterilization encourages pets to be sexually active before they are emotionally ready.

Campaign Urges Tourists to Visit Alaska 'B4ITMELTS'

A new campaign to promote tourism to Alaska is reminding would-be travelers that if they plan to visit the 49th state, they'd better do so before it is swallowed up by the ocean. High-profile ads being displayed in Seattle, Los Angeles and Minneapolis feature a picture of a classic Alaska license plate and an irresistible vanity message: "Alaska B4ITMELTS"

Plan to Make Americans Nine Months Older Gains Ground

If a group of conservative political leaders gets its way, every American will soon be nine months older than they are today. According to the Truth in Age Act, currently being debated on Capitol Hill, the lives of individuals will be dated not from birth but from conception. While the measure has strong backing from values voters, supporters expect a tough fight from celebrities, few of whom want to see an additional 9 months tacked onto their ages.

Bush to Tour Mansions Ravaged by Estate Tax

President George W. Bush is encouraging Congress to focus on perhaps the most dire issue facing the nation today: the estate tax and its devastating impact on the richest Americans. Mr. Bush said that repealing the tax could aid tens, even dozens of Americans. Former FEMA chief and Arabian horse expert Michael Brown has been tapped to reach out to the victims of the tax.

Poll: Most Blame Cindy Sheehan for High Gas Prices

According to a recent poll, most Americans place the blame for skyrocketing prices at the pump squarely at the feet of anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan. The poll found that Americans were more likely to blame Mrs. Sheehan for their gasoline woes than they were illegal aliens, homosexuals, child molesters or Democrats.   

Pro-Family Group Probes Bush Over Porno Picture

A pro-family group is demanding that President Bush remove a pornographic picture of Mr. Bush that has been making the rounds of gay web sites for weeks. The Coalition for Traditional Values, a conservative Christian organization that supports a return to a theocratic form of government, became aware of the xxx-rated picture after its chairman encountered it on a gay website.