The Swift Report

Hippies, Dems 'Burned Up' Over Flag Amendment

For hippies, democrats and other malcontents, summer is traditionally the peak flag-burning season of the year. But a push by Republican Senators to pass the Flag Protection Amendment may pour cold water on solstice celebrations, veggie cookouts and other warm-weather gatherings that typically feature flag burning as a main event.

Most Massachusetts Marriages on Verge of Collapse

It has been just over two years since a tribunal of black-robed Massachusetts judges set out to undermine traditional marriage. Now say a growing number of experts, most marriages in that state are teetering on the verge of collapse. It is predicted that by 2013, the majority of adults in Massachusetts will be 'hooking up with' or married to at least one same-sex partner.

Most Americans Confused About Who to Hate This Summer

As Americans begin the busy summer driving season, a new poll reveals that most are confused about who they should hate and why. While last summer's 'must hate' favorites, including war-critics Cindy Sheehan and Michael Moore, are now regarded as hated has-beens, few new 'hateables' have captured the public's attention.

'Death Tax' More Deadly than Gout, Polo Injuries Combined

President George W. Bush is encouraging the Senate to focus on one of the deadliest scourges facing the nation today: the 'death tax,' which devastates tens, even dozens of Americans every year. Mr. Bush is urging Senators to feel compassion for the afflicted families, whose fois gras consumption and thread counts have plummeted in recent years.

Bush: We Will Defend Marriage, Borders

They do the jobs that Americans by and large refuse to do: hairstylist, flower arranger, bathhouse attendant. But if President Bush gets his way, an amendment to the Constitution known as the Marriage and Border Protection Amendment will soon bar gay aliens from penetrating the nation's borders and undermining our most sacred institution: legal heterosexual marriage.

Group Objects to Words of Foreign Origin in National Spelling Bee

During this year's national spell-off, contestants were forced to puzzle out words of Spanish, Greek, Latin American, homosexual, even French origin. Now some native-born bee watchers say they've had enough. If they get their way, spelling bees from elementary schools to the nation's capital will soon be conducted in English only.

Home-Schooler Misspells 'Friend' in National Spelling Bee

The first round of the National Spelling Bee ended in tears for many of this year's home-schooled contestants. Fourth-grade Katie Hulmich toppled out of the competition after inadvertently swapping the vowels in 'friend,' while fifth-grade Derek Conley substituted an 'e' for the 'a' in 'secularism.' 

American Family Association Boycotting Ford over Gay Cars, Trucks

The American Family Association announced this week that it plans to boycott one of the country's top gay automakers. Ford recently announced plans to rollout five new gay automobiles, hoping to grab a piece of the market share currently owned by the Toyota Prius, the nation's unofficial top gay car.   

Citing Religion, Pharmacist Refuses to Dispense Pharmaceuticals

A Georgia pharmacist has refused to dispense pharmaceuticals, maintaining that filling prescriptions for allergy medicine, antibiotics, and erectile dysfunction treatments violates his religion. The pharmacist says that while he is still willing to sell vitamins and topical skin creams, distributing pharmaceuticals constitutes a denial of God's role as a healer.

More Celebrities Adopting Frozen Embryos

Angelina Jolie may be hogging the celebrity spotlight these days with post-born adopted Ethiopian infant Zahara, but the real trend among celebs is smaller and easier to carry. A growing number of A-list actresses are adopting frozen embryos, portable fertilized egg cells that can be stored for later or toted in a range of stylish accessories.