The Swift Report

God Denies Links to Pat Robertson

God denied having any links to conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson yesterday after He received reports that Mr. Robertson told residents of Dover, P.A., that they had rejected God by voting their school board out of office for supporting "intelligent design" and warned them of His wrath. Sources close to the Higher Being say that He is "tired" of Mr. Robertson and wants him to stop using His name. 

Pro-Family Group Presses Military to Stop Use of Violent Training Videos

After saving viewers from "Saving Private Ryan," a pro-family group is now urging the US military to replace the videos it uses for troop training. The group says that the videos are graphically violent and may prove harmful to young soldiers.

Man Sues After Being Implanted with Gay Stem Cells

A Kansas resident who underwent stem cell therapy for advanced male pattern baldness has since been diagnosed as gay. The man is now suing his doctors, alleging that they knew he did not want to be the recipient of gay stem cells.

Most Americans Want to See Constitution Replaced by Ten Commandments

Following the lead of France and the Netherlands, American voters are widely expected to reject the US Constitution when they go to the polls later this summer. While the Constitution was once held in great acclaim by voters, its popularity has slid in recent years as it has lost market share to more muscular governing documents, including the Ten Commandments and the Patriot Act.

White House Appointees May Have 'Crony's' Disease

From former FEMA-front man Michael Brown to would-be-chief of Immigration Julie Myers, the niece of Air Force Gen. Richard B. Myers, the headlines of late have been filled with reports of unqualified individuals filling high-level jobs within the Bush Administration. Now scientists say they may finally understand why. These high-level appointees and the administration officials that recommended them for their jobs probably suffer from 'Crony's' disease, a genetic mutation that causes cronyism, corruption and unbridled patronage.

Harry Potter Faces Most Devilish Opponent to Date

In the latest installment of the Harry Potter films, the young bespectacled wizard faces the darkest, most devious threat of his brief career: the powerful and mysterious leader of a secretive order. Now, some parents are warning that Harry's newest nemesis may be too frightening for young children.

Pope's Scrapbook Shows Softer Side

Benedict XVI may be known for his 'take no prisoners' approach to theological enforcement and for instilling the fear of God among followers, but the "Panzer Pope" also has a softer side. Like millions of people around the globe, the new Pontiff is a fervent adherent of the art of 'scrapbooking.' Called 'scrapping' by true believers, it's a hobby that involves pasting pictures, newspaper clippings and other memorabilia into custom-decorated albums, then supplementing these images with personal thoughts or reflections known as "journaling."

Iraqi Constitution Snags on Gay Marriage

Members of the Iraqi National Assembly are still struggling to come to an agreement on how the country's new constitution should handle a controversial issue: gay marriage. The delay in completing a constitution for Iraq comes as a blow to the Bush Administration which went into Iraq more than two years ago in order to defend traditional marriage.

Miers 'Chaste,' Religious Leader Assured

Seeking to win over conservative Christians to the side of Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, administration officials have begun to spread the word that the unmarried Ms. Miers is 'chaste,' and has never lain with a man. If confirmed, Ms. Miers will likely be the first virgin justice to join the Supreme Court.

Few Americans Familiar with More than Four of Ten Commandments

While the Ten Commandments are increasingly popular in both text and tablet form, a new poll has found that few Americans are familiar with more than four of them. The Biblical bans on murder, theft, and adultery ranked highest among adults surveyed, while only a handful were familiar with Commandments prohibiting graven images and false witness.