The Swift Report

Hippies, Dems 'Burned Up' Over Flag Amendment

For hippies, democrats and other malcontents, summer is traditionally the peak flag-burning season of the year. But a push by Republican Senators to pass the Flag Protection Amendment may pour cold water on solstice celebrations, veggie cookouts and other warm-weather gatherings that typically feature flag burning as a main event.

Pope's Scrapbook Shows Softer Side

Benedict XVI may be known for his 'take no prisoners' approach to theological enforcement and for instilling the fear of God among followers, but the "Panzer Pope" also has a softer side. Like millions of people around the globe, the new Pontiff is a fervent adherent of the art of 'scrapbooking.' Called 'scrapping' by true believers, it's a hobby that involves pasting pictures, newspaper clippings and other memorabilia into custom-decorated albums, then supplementing these images with personal thoughts or reflections known as "journaling."

White House to Censor Photos of Incompetent Officials

The White House has requested that media outlets refrain from taking pictures of incompetent members of the Bush Administration or particular acts of incompetence. Under the new policy, journalists would be barred from photographing FEMA chief Michael Brown, Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff and President Bush himself. The move comes amid mounting criticism by conservatives that the mainstream media is exaggerating the incompetence of the Administration.

Christo to 'Wrap' Bush Ranch in Camouflage

When President Bush begins a five week vacation at his ranch in Crawford, TX this weekend, he and First lady Laura Bush will be sharing their rustic get-a-way with another high-profile couple: artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude. The artists, responsible for "The Gates," the epic project installed in New York's Central Park that wowed the first lady, plan to wrap the Bush's 1600 acre ranch in eight miles of camouflage fabric.

Gay Coloring Assignment Has Parents of Nursery Schoolers Seeing Red

Parents of toddlers attending a Geneva, NY nursery school responded in outrage after their children were instructed to draw and color a known symbol of the homosexual agenda: the rainbow. The school has since apologized for the episode and is taking measures to prevent future incidents, including limiting the number of crayons and markers which children can use to color.