The Swift Report

'Death Tax' More Deadly than Gout, Polo Injuries Combined

President George W. Bush is encouraging the Senate to focus on one of the deadliest scourges facing the nation today: the 'death tax,' which devastates tens, even dozens of Americans every year. Mr. Bush is urging Senators to feel compassion for the afflicted families, whose fois gras consumption and thread counts have plummeted in recent years.

God Denies Links to Pat Robertson

God denied having any links to conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson yesterday after He received reports that Mr. Robertson told residents of Dover, P.A., that they had rejected God by voting their school board out of office for supporting "intelligent design" and warned them of His wrath. Sources close to the Higher Being say that He is "tired" of Mr. Robertson and wants him to stop using His name. 

Judge Judy, Joe Brown on Supreme Court Short List

The battle over a Supreme Court justice to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is heating up, and the White House is giving its short list a good reshuffle. Off the list for now, mild-mannered former petroleum industry lobbyist Priscilla Owen and hot-tempered Janice Rogers Brown, both of whom could crumble under withering interrogation from the likes of Senators Ted Kennedy and Joe Biden. Taking their place: a handful of judges who likely won't lose their cool amid the white hot glare of the spotlight: Judge Judy and Joe Brown.