The Swift Report: 'Bloodless' Cheney Bewilders Doctors

Cheneythumb Doctors who performed surgery on Vice President Dick Cheney over the weekend to remove aneurysms from behind both of his knees say that they made a bewildering discovery: Mr. Cheney has no blood flowing through his veins. Doctors present in the operating theater also determined that the Vice President's body temperature is approximately 45 degrees, less than half the average human temperature.

Lab tests reveal ethylene glycol and green fluorescent dye.

By Hermione Slatkin

WASHINGTON, DC--Doctors who performed surgery over the weekend to treat aneurisms behind both of Vice President Dick Cheney's knees say that they made a bewildering discovery during the procedure: Mr. Cheney has no blood flowing through his veins.

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An astounding discovery
Surgeons say that they made the highly unusual finding while implanting stent tubes in the Vice President's legs, intended to help what they expected to be blood flow through Mr. Cheney's weakened arteries. Instead of fluid plasma and cells, however, the doctors encountered something altogether different: a viscous fluorescent green liquid.

A bright green liquid
"We were prepared for the typical amount of bleeding that accompanies any invasive procedure, but I'd never seen anything like this before," says Dr. Marvin Henry, one of the team of surgeons that operated on the Vice President. "Liquid tissue is ordinarily a deep red in color when it's exposed to oxygen. This liquid was bright green."

Mystery in a test tube
Puzzled by the mysterious fluid circulating through Mr. Cheney's veins, the surgeons immediately collected some of it in test tubes and sent the samples to the laboratory at the George Washington University Hospital. There, a team of chemists and lab technicians got to work, conducting experiments and analysis in order to identify the structure and composition of the liquid.

"It tastes disgusting"
The lab experts finally identified the fluid through a taste test; one brave technician detected the presence of a bittering agent known as denatonium benzoate (trade name Bitrex). After that, it wasn't long before the scientists knew what they had on their hands: ethylene glycol, more commonly known as antifreeze, the water-based liquid coolant used in gasoline and diesel engines to keep them from freezing.

A body temperature far below normal
The surgeons who performed the operation on Mr. Cheney say that they suspect that the presence of antifreeze in his veins is most likely the result of intelligent design, the work of the same designer who gave the Vice President a body temperature less than half that of the average human beings. While most humans maintain a temperature of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, or 37 degrees Celsius, Mr. Cheney's internal temperature is just 45 degrees Fahrenheit, a mere 13 degrees above freezing. "At temps that cold, he probably doesn't have to worry about his organs freezing up but things can definitely get a bit sluggish," says Dr. Henry. "That's probably why his designer gave him ethylene glycol. It was a very intelligent thing to do when you think about it."

Surgeons kept the Vice President on ice throughout the six-hour long procedure in an effort to keep his body temperature from rising to normal human levels.

Antifreeze no risk to stent grafts
Doctors say that there is no reason why the stent tubes implanted behind both of Mr. Cheney's knees can't help the Vice President's internal antifreeze to circulate despite the fact that they were originally designed to aid in blood flow. While lab technicians were unable to identify Mr. Cheney's brand of antifreeze, they speculate that it is likely one made by the Dow Chemical Company, a major contributor to the Bush/Cheney election fund in 2000.