Senate Democrats have a new strategy they say will reveal the ideological leanings of Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts: a disposable litmus test that will show his proclivities on issues from gay marriage to abortion--in less than a minute. While litmus tests have long been part of judicial confirmation hearings, this is the first time that a nominee will be subject to a disposable test.
Strong anti-homosexual leanings could reassure conservative Christians
WASHINGTON, DC—Senate Democrats are embarking on a new strategy to get to the bottom of the nominee's deeply-held personal beliefs. They want Judge Roberts to submit to a disposable litmus test, a do-it-yourself testing kit that will reveal the aspiring Justice's beliefs on hot button issues from gay marriage and abortion to property rights and the display of the Ten Commandments.
Litmus test results—in just seconds
Senators--and the team of liberal scientists who worked to develop the test--say that it provides a simple, effective and nearly instantaneous method of identifying an individual's deeply held personal beliefs. Judge Roberts will use the throw-a-way position predictor in the privacy of his home or chambers; results are indicated by the appearance of a red or blue line.
Out of the main 'stream'
"In the past, Senators have been forced to ask Supreme Court nominees questions, or worse, read through stacks of paper to get at what these people believe," explains lead scientist Simon Starkey, who modeled his disposable litmus tests on the drug tests now required by a growing number of employers. "But it makes sense that a nominee won't just hold his or her deeply held beliefs inside. He or she will excrete them too."
'P' is for politics
Starkey and his team have identified a total of seventeen key issues that are likely to make or break a nominee's confirmation chances, including abortion, the Ten Commandments, gay marriage, private property and evolution. A nominee with staunchly conservative views on these, for example, will produce strong red lines in each issue box, while a liberal nominee will produce strong blue lines. A Souter or Kennedy would likely produce the dotted lines of treachery. 
Looking beneath the robe
But the disposable ideology indicator will also reveal plenty about Judge Roberts' proclivities, those hard to measure lifestyle choices so important in today's values climate. Does he have homosexual tendencies, for instance? Might he have a proclivity to violate the Seventh Commandment, the Biblical ban on adultery, or the Tenth Commandment against covetousness? Most importantly, does Judge Roberts have tendencies that could lead him to become an activist judge, and if so, the right kind of activist judge?
"Obviously you don't want to confirm to the High Court someone who is ruling against gays by day but then engaging in furtive same-sex coupling when the sun goes down," explains Dr. Starkey. "This test is a way to prevent that from happening again." A strong negative rating on homosexuality could also reassure Mr. Roberts' conservative Christian backers who fear that his pro bono work on behalf of gay causes--and a late marriage--could be signs that the nominee is homosexual.
Go Roberts, Go
While litmus tests for Supreme Court nominees have been around for decades, this is the first time that a disposable litmus tests has been used to ferret out the deeply held personal beliefs of a nominee. Sources close to Mr. Roberts say that he has not yet decided where he will take the test, but that he is likely to select a private location and will share the results first with friends and family members.
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