Cheers, Jeers, Papal Smears: Pope Benedict's First 100 Days (and Nights!)

It has been just 100 days since Pope Benedict XVI was selected to assume the leadership of the Catholic Church, but the new Pontiff has been anything but idle. Benedict nee Ratzinger has been busy issuing scathing criticisms or 'Papal smears' of people and acts. In this Swift Report exclusive, we take a look at some of Benedict's first condemnatas—and the individuals and acts that inspired them.

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VATICAN CITY—It seems like only yesterday that Pope Benedict XVI nee Ratzinger was trying on his long white gown for the first time. But time flies when the future of the family—if not the free world—is at stake. In this Swift Report exclusive we take you behind the scenes to take a look at the results of the first of Pope Benedict's "Papal smears,' the scathing criticisms or condemnatas that are at the very heart of the Papacy.

Divorcees
They may be at the heart of ABC's television lineup, but the new Pope has had nothing good to say about the divorcees who populate Wisteria Lane. In a lengthy, off-the-cuff speech to Italian priests earlier this summer, Pope Benedict singled out divorced Desperate Housewife Edie (Nicollete Sheridan) for harsh criticism, warning that if she remarries in the next season without getting an annulment, she will be ineligible to receive Communion.

Nudity
Pope Benedict XVI has said nothing that we know of about nudity in his first 100 days (and the Swift Report would never speculate as to what Benedict wears under his amiculum). But nudists it seems are wild for the new Pope. Since Joseph Ratzinger was elected to the Papacy last spring, visitors have been pouring into the Schuetzing Valley to see his former home and pay tribute to him wearing only the clothes that God gave them.

Harry Potter
The bespectacled wizard may be burning up bestseller lists the world over, but Mr. Potter has not found a friend in the new Pope. In a letter to one of Harry's arch-critics, Pope Benedict warned that spending too much time with the boy wizard could land young readers on the wrong side in the battle of good vs. evil. His is a subtle seduction, wrote Mr. Potter's sworn enemy in a letter to an ally, "which act unnoticed and by this deeply distort Christianity in the soul, before it can grow properly."

In vitro fertilization
Angie Harmon's new show "Inconceivable," in which the GOP babe plays an 'unconventional' fertility doc, has yet to hit the airwaves, but Pope Benedict's review is in: one big thumb way down. In a speech early this year, the new Pope denounced artificial procreation and in vitro fertilization, warning against technology "that does harm to the dignity of parents and children alike."

Pseudo matrimony
Some of the new Pope's harshest 'Papal smears' have been reserved for what he terms "pseudo matrimony," fake partnerships between couples including Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, J Lo and Mark Anthony and likely soon to include Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. In his remarks, the Pope dismissed "free unions," "trial marriages" and celebrity "pseudo-matrimonies" as expressions of an anarchic freedom that wrongly passes for true freedom of man," he said. 

Theory of relativism
While they share a common German heritage, the new Pope has had nothing guten to say about world-famous physicist Albert Einstein, widely reviled by the Vatican for his role in creating the now discredited Theory of Relativism. In recent marks, the Pope has added his voice to the fray, warning against a theory of the universe in which everything is relative, or nothing is morally better than anything else.

Comments

[Michelle]

Pope Benedict XVI = Sith Lord

[Genevieve]

The pope is watching way too much tv.

[Innocent Surfer]

This has got to be one of the most foolish and unfunny bits of doggeral I've ever seen. Thank goodness, I'll not be back!

[zippy]

So if the Pope hates Desperate Housdewives, and Laura Bush is going to appear on that show, according to this distinguished Report, isn't that an attack on America's first housewife? Our glorious leader doesn't have to stand for that! Pope Ratzi better change his cath-aholic tone before Karl Rove reveals the Vatican tie to Saddam, WMDs and 9-11 to Bob Novak, conservative commentator and noted expert on bovine scatology.

[StreetCred]

I don't know what you expect of a man who spent all those years playing a hard-luck postman on the TV show Cheers.

Give the guy a break. It took me six months to learn how to use those self-flushing toilets, and I'm smarter than any pope who was willing to put up with that fat slob Norm!

Deanna Swift, you're one pushy woman. Which isn't all bad, if you know what I mean.