Americans Most Likely to Go to Heaven, Study Shows

A new study shows that there are more Americans in Heaven than there are individuals from any other country. The study, based on registration data collected over a period of five years, confirms what many Americans have long believed: that they are more likely than their counterparts from most other countries to ascend to Heaven upon leaving this world.

French, Dutch least likely to make skyward trek 

By Cole Walters

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—A new study released this week confirms what many Americans have long suspected: that they are more likely than people from other countries to go to Heaven. The study found that nearly 75% of the people currently in Heaven were originally American citizens. By contrast, the same researchers found that Hell, largely avoided by Americans, is populated mostly by Europeans including large numbers of French, Dutch, and Danish.

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English only please
The study, conducted by the Family Research Institute in Colorado Springs, CO, was based on registration data collected at the entry to the Kingdom of Heaven between 1999 and 2004. Researchers discarded registration materials that were filled out in languages other than English, that language that the Bible was written in. They also eliminated Heaven entrance forms that were completed in English but indicated a non-US originating address, including those from the United Kingdom, Australia, Jamaica, and New Zealand.

Deomagraphics
In addition to analyzing the country of origin of Heaven's newest residents, researchers also examined their personal histories, including their party affiliation, where in the US they resided prior to moving skyward and what type of vehicle they drove while still on earth. The researchers concluded that Republicans were twice as likely as Democrats to get into Heaven, and that residents of rural areas and the so-called "flyover country" were more likely than urban dwellers to inherit the earth. New entrants were not asked on their registration materials to identify themselves as "meek."

No big surprises here
Researchers said that they were not surprised by the results of their study, given the fact that the United States was founded on Judeo-Christian principles. "It had been our strong sense all along that Americans would turn out to be over-represented when we went in and looked at the demographic data," notes Dr, Steve Myer, director of research at the Bible Institute. "And that's exactly what we found when we ran the numbers."

Behind the numbers
What accounts for the strong presence of Americans in Heaven? Afterlife analysts say that Americans are more likely than citizens of other countries to find themselves bound for eternal happiness because they are Christian, God's chosen religion. Add to that the fact that most Americans support positions that Jesus Christ would likely endorse were He alive today—including welfare reform, the death penalty and a ban on stem cell research—and the over-representation of US-born citizens in the New Jerusalem is no mystery, say experts.

Next up: Hell
Family Research Institute experts say that next up they will turn their attention to the place of eternal suffering where many Europeans are thought to reside: Hell. They admit, though, that determining the makeup of the land of evildoers will likely be considerably more difficult than their successful Heavenly regression. "For one thing, the record keeping isn't nearly as good," notes Dr. Myer. "You're also dealing with a lot of different languages: French, Dutch, Danish." Dr. Myer is currently recruiting graduate students in the Liberal Arts as well as UN interpreters to help him complete the research.

Would you change your party affiliation or move to a different part of the country if it boosted your odds on getting into Heaven? Talk back to [email protected]

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Comments

[ben]

Please note that in the english-speaking heaven, there are two sections. One section is called 'Imperial Hubris' and is for the elite slaveholding, founding fathers and their decendants who spoke perfect english while whipping, raping and lynching their non-english speaking slaves and the non-english speaking native Americans who were already here. Also in this section will be the neo-confederates of both political parties who never met a 'Monroe Doctrine' or a 'pre-emptive strike' they did not love. Bush, Thurmond, Lott, Dole, Helms, Chaney, Reagan, North, Rice and all like-minded elites will populate this special section. The other section named, 'Meek and Lowly', is populated by their victims. Those that do not speak English, are given a special exemption because of the severity of the crimes committed against them. This section is hundreds of times larger than the other because the number of victims is hundreds of times larger than that of the victimizers. Since heaven is very democratic, the larger section occupies the best area and has the best water, food, view and everything else that is better in heaven. As a bonus, the victims get to judge and mete out the appropriate punishment to their tormentors. They don't have to worry about forgetting some of the crimes committed, because their God has a perfect memory and reminds them as needed. After sentencing, the inhabitants of 'Imperial Hubris' are forthwith shipped to the hell they thought only non-english speakers went to. Since they are the last to arrive there, it's only fair that they be the first to be 'fired'! And so, the scales of justice are finally balanced - although it took awhile!

[B L Zebub]

Pat Robertson is on the short list for sure. Following Pat's example, I ask myself every day, "who would Jesus assasinate?"

[Fannie Farmer (Mrs.)]

Bob Dole ends up in Hell - but because he had such a distinguished career of public service, he gets a choice of which particular Hellish setting he'll be spending eternity in, so Beelzebub takes him on a tour.

First Beelzebub shows him a lake of boiling pitch, with the tormented floating in it up to their necks. The smell of burning flesh is awful. "Could I see another possibility?" the Senator asks politely.

Next he's taken to a room where the eternally damned are hanging by their heels, and demons come by with pitchforks to stick them. Their screams of agony fill the air. "No, no, let's see something else."

Next he's taken to a beautiful air-conditioned banquet room, with people eating from large bowls of red, ripe strawberries - dipping them in powdered sugar, then clotted cream, before biting them in half, chewing them, and swallowing them. "This one! This one!" says Dole.

Beelzebub studies his printout, and then says, "No, sorry - my mistake - this is the room for torturing the strawberries."