This week, a delegation of conservative journalists--including the Swift Report's own Deanna Swift--will travel to Baghdad in order to bring you what the so-called mainstream media won't: good news. In today's installment, the first of a Swift Report series, Deanna kicks off her "Truth Tour" travelogue, giving readers an advance peek at her week inside Baghdad's exclusive Green Zone.
Packing sunscreen, Chanel shades and an appetite for the truth
By Deanna Swift
TAMPA, FL—Well, we're off! As you no doubt know by now, I'll soon be on my way to Baghdad, part of a delegation of conservative journalists fed up with the way that the so-called mainstream media poops all over our country (excuse my French!) and this war we're winning.
And instead of holing up in four-star Baghdad hotels like those other reporters (AKA: the 'Bad News Bears'), our Truth gang will be bringing you success stories straight from the source: U.S. Central Command headquarters inside the exclusive Green Zone. [Click thumbmail to enlarge image of Melanie Morgan.]
But enough about our mission; you want to hear about me! What am I packing? Are our "Truth Tour" tents really co-ed? And how do I plan to protect my hair and skin from summer sandstorms? Camping for a cause
Let's get the gossip out of the way first: there is no truth to rumors that I'm going to be bunking with handsome Buzz Patterson, author of "Reckless Disregard: How Liberal Democrats Undercut Our Military, Endanger Our Soldiers, and Jeopardize Our Security." The tents we'll be sharing in the Green Zone are strictly same sex. Dibs on the sleeping bag furthest away from the freedom shield, Melanie!
Patriots pack light
The bash America crowd may insist on "reporting" from Iraq wearing flak jackets, bulky body armor and helmets to exaggerate the dangers of Baghdad, but you won't catch members of the Truth Tour hiding under such unflattering garb. Nothing gets between a conservative journalist and her mission!
A 'listening' tour
OK—enough of the so-called mainstream media telling Americans how they feel about the war. Now it's time for conservative journalists to tell you how we think ordinary Iraqis feel about the fact that the war has been a huge success for them. Best of all, we won't go on and on like some reporters. Our daily broadcasts will wrap up for you all of the positive things happening in Iraq—in under a minute.
And a daytrip to Fallujah
My comely colleague Melanie Morgan put it best: most journalists in Iraq spend their days '"sit[ting] around in a hotel bar," cribbing each others quotes "so they don't have to go out and cover the war." Not the Truth Tour! I plan on getting out and exploring the countryside a bit during my visit to the freedom front. Tops on my agenda: Fallujah, just a 40 minute bus ride from the Iraqi capital, but a world away from the hustle and bustle of the big city.
Wish me well!
Well that's enough for now—if I don't finish packing my Vuitton bags soon, the "Truth Tour" plane to Kuwait is going to take off with out me! Now where did I put those Chanel sunglasses?
Xoxoxo
Deanna
Ps: if you'd like to ask an ordinary Iraqi how well things are going, send your question to [email protected]
Amazing; the selective truth tour has become the symbol of Bush apologists still trying to maintain that the occupation of Iraq, and the plundering of its natural resource are the birthright of the world's most obscene consumer of oil. Just read one of Melanie Morgans' feel good stories about a little Iraqi girl whose legs were badly burned after being caught in her vehicle in the midst of a firefight between insurgents and a US patrol. The story was all about the altruism of the US medical personnel who treated the little girl, after having had very little attention from the ravaged Iraqi health service. NOWHERE did it mention that had US forces not been there to begin with, that little girl would not have had to be treated in the first place. I hope the MSM in the West continues to downplay the 'significance' of this charlatan experiment in misinformation; after the carnage of this weekend, how many stories of freshly painted schools will erase the fact that Iraq is now the world's greatest training ground for terrorism?
Posted by: pjr | July 18, 2005 at 03:31 PM
Ms. Swift:
I surely hope you will take a case of Miss Clairol Ash Blonde to give to the natives. If they can only bleach their hair California Blonde, they will surely see how good it is to support America! And then we could tell the good Iraqis from the bad ones! Take lots!
Posted by: Sonsa | July 11, 2005 at 04:12 PM
You know Ms. "Swift," I don't know what's more disturbing: The fact that the above faux right-wing news article is so convincing on its face, or the fact that you aren't ethical enough to post a disclaimer on your site clearly stating that you're writing satire.
Posted by: S.M. Dixon | July 10, 2005 at 07:14 AM
If your psychological defect was simply one of denial, you could be pitied and perhaps helped. But since you're a remorseless liar, propagandizing on behalf of an administration that has endangered this country with it's poorly-planned, poorly-executed, illegal invasion of Iraq -- a war that is a miserable failure, no matter how many happy lies you try to tell -- you're not pitiable, you're a traitor.
Posted by: S.M. Dixon | July 09, 2005 at 08:02 PM
Dear Deanna,
Thanks for getting the Real Word out to True Americans on a regular basis. We can only hope the liberals listen in and learn a thing or three.
Will you and the other conservative radio personalities and patriots be learning Arabic on the flight over? I think it might be useful, in order to get views from people other than US military troops.
Posted by: Josh Narins | July 09, 2005 at 09:51 AM
Good for you! While there, please also try to find out why Rumsfeld (my man!) has anticipated our fight taking up to twelve years. Things are going well, but we'll need to keep fighting? I don't get it.
Also, try to get the CIA and Pentagon to stop reading the papers! They think that al Qaida recruitment is picking up in Iraq because Iraqis hate us! Please! They don't even get CBS news there, how would they know they hate us?
Please try to figure out why more than a thousand US troops have died while building schools and an electrical infrastructure after we won the war two years ago! The insurgents, Iraqi rebels, foreign insurgents, and Baathists who are fighting us obviously need to read more Sean Hannity! Hey, we won this a long time go! Settle down and stop killing us! Sheesh!
And please show us good examples of Sunnis and Shi'a getting along. We've heard too much about them bombing each other's mosques and killing each other, when a civil war just can't be happening, because things are going REALLY WELL there.
And one last thing. Please come back alive and uninjured. We know you want to show some bravura, but the roads are often deadly and we don't know which of the Iraqi police are insurgents and which are working for peace.
Despite my sarcasm, please be safe and come back whole.
Posted by: Chris Cronin | July 08, 2005 at 12:27 PM
Dear Deanna,
As you offer us your hard-hitting conservative coverage of the victory area, I would be especially interested if the homosexuality rate has gone up or down since the deposition of SH. It would be a shame for us to have gone through the trouble of deposing SH only to find the Iraqui people have lost all of their morals and ideas of self-worth and I believe the homosexuality factor to be a telling sign of strong leadership. Here's to hoping the Iraqui's have not lost their sense of decency during this victorious time!
Your friend In Christ
Mariellen Parks
Posted by: Mariellen | July 07, 2005 at 03:43 PM
Dear Deanna
Perhaps you could prominently display some American corporate logos, as your tour the victory zone. Just to show those few malcontents the goodness of America. I'm thinking this would look good on a hat or shirt.
xxoo
JBL
Posted by: Jerry bin Laden | July 07, 2005 at 10:12 AM