This Summer's Hottest Show: Bush's 'Social Security—On the Verge of Collapse-a-pa-loo-za' Tour

This season's must see concert event isn't the Rolling Stones but President Bush's 'Social Security—On the Verge of Collapse-a-pa-loo-za' tour, otherwise known as the Summer of Fear 2005. In this Swift Report exclusive, we grab a pair of much coveted tix and go behind the scenes with the stars, do a bit of crowd surfing and score some hard-to-get Collapse-a-pa-looza swag. 

Summer of Fear 2005: Westchester, Bridgehampton, Naples, Lake Forest, Aspen, Taos, Malibu

By Deanna Swift and Todd Fox

Well, the big day is finally here! Todd and I have scored front row tix to this season's must-see concert event: Social Security—On the Verge of Collapse-a-pa-loo-za, AKA the Summer of Fear tour starring President George W. Bush. (Todd, I'm not even going to ask what you had to do to get your hands on those tickets…) Now we just have to sign a loyalty oath—never a problem for us here at the Swift Report—and we're in!

The key to any great concert is a stand-out warm-up act and today we couldn't ask for more. Chris Cox, President Bush's nominee for the Securities Exchange Commission, is in the house and he rocks! Cox is our second favorite Caly Congressman (Dana Rohrabacher gets our top spot, natch). More importantly CCC shares Swift's passion for Ayn Rand and all things objectivist. Sadly for us, the John Galt of the SEC sports a ring on his finger, leaving us no choice but to look for love on this Ayn Rand fan dating site.

The drug of choice at a Summer of Fear event isn't E, K or BC bud. Everyone in this crowd is snorting O—that's oxytocin, a hormone that primes users to hand over their money to perfect strangers.  A couple of quick hits off of the nasal spray pump and Todd can't wait to make new friends and show them his wallet. "I feel so full of love," Todd says, handing a $20 to a handsome Brooks Brothers-clad man. "I want to share my private account with him."

We're still waiting for the main attraction, Mr. Ownership Society himself, but buzzed on O and still jazzed from seeing Congressman Cox we're content to engage in a little people watching. Todd spots Grover Norquist and heads right over to get reacquainted while I go in search of the Bush twins to find out why think Social Security needs to be strengthened and modernized. "They just like think that the system could use a makeover," a source close to the twins told me. "It's like 70 years old or something and that is so ancient."

By the time the reformer-in-chief finally makes it out onto the stage, the crowd is going wild. As you would expect, most of the people who've turned out for Collapse-a-pa-looza are kids, eager to begin preparing for their retirement. And while the Prez is the big draw here, there's lots to do besides learning about how to pass on an asset base if we pre-decease. One hot spot: the tattoo tent where reform-sters can make their support for private accounts permanent.

POTUS has just come out for his final encore and we're spent! But no summer concert would be complete without a trip to the swag table. We're tempted by everything: the Summer of Fear tour bumpersticker, the Collapse-a-pa-loo-za baseball shirt, not to mention the private accounts coozie. But between my new tattoo and Todd's now empty wallet (the effects of oxytocin last for up to 4 hours) we'll have to wait for the next tour date: Aspen, CO.

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Comments

[Ricardo]

We have an old saying here in the OC. COX SUCKS!

[CryptoCat]

Hey Deanna --

MTV is reporting that the concert in Malibu will feature a tribute to Ozzy Ozbourne.

The show's climax will include Bush biting off the head of a unnamed Ohio senator.

[Alan]

I understand that VP Cheney will make a surprise appearance with his group: "Dicky Doo and The Dont's", singing popular tunes from "Blood, Sweat, and Tears", in support of the US Iraq war.