Ethics Troubles Could Keep DeLay Out of Heaven

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has been in the hot seat for months over alleged ethics violations. But the white-hot glare of the media spotlight pales in comparison to the heat that the Texas Republican will experience if ethics charges result in Mr. DeLay being 'left behind' to face a seven-year period of war, disease, famine and natural disaster known as the Tribulation.

Experts cite strict Biblical prohibition against taking bribes

By Deanna Swift

WASHINGTON, DC—For months House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has been in the hot seat over alleged ethics violations. But sources close to the powerful Texas Republican say that the white-hot glare of the media spotlight pales in comparison to the heat that Mr. DeLay will experience if ethics charges result in him being ‘left behind’ to face the seven-year period of war, disease, famine and natural disaster known as the Tribulation.

What’s more, even Mr. DeLay's fans who believe that the born-again Congressman will be Raptured up to heaven along with millions of other Christians warn that he could face more challenges when he reaches Heaven. At issue: strict Biblical prohibitions against accepting bribes in any form.

Love from above
It is the moment that the fifty-eight year old DeLay has been dreaming of since he became a born-again Christian in 1985: the Rapture, the summoning up to Heaven of millions of believers. Those lucky enough to make the trip skyward will leave behind nothing but their clothing, shoes, jewelry and prosthetic devices—and millions of their unsaved brethren.

Or left behind?
But sources close to the Sugarland, TX Republican say that he is increasingly worried that he might not be making the trip. What's the holdup? A smear campaign against DeLay orchestrated by the Democratic Party and broadcast by the liberal media across this world—and quite possible into the next.

"He's understandably nervous," says a friend and confidant of DeLay's. "At a certain point it’s less important what the Majority Leader actually did then what it is folks are saying about him. The concern is that He’s going to hear some of these charges and believe them before Tom has a chance to clear his name."

Thou shalt not accept bribes
While the Bible doesn’t mention ethical violations, lobbyists or corporate donations per se, the Book is crystal clear on the matter of bribery, particularly bribes that are given and received in the interest of perverting justice. "Do not accept a bribe, for a bribe blinds those who see and twists the words of the righteous," warns Exodus 23:8. "Be careful that no one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside," reads Job 36:18.

Now, even some of his colleagues are beginning to distance themselves from the GOP leader. "If you’re going to violate Biblical principles this probably isn't the one you want flout," says a DeLay aide who expects to be traveling skyward without the company of his boss.

Entry denied
Not everyone is convinced that the Majority Leader will be 'left behind' to endure seven years of Tribulation, marked by disease, famine, wars and natural disasters likely to wipeout some two-thirds of the world's population and lead to the end of the world as it is presently known.

A less popular view is that Mr. DeLay will be Raptured along with his fellow believers, but will fail to gain entry to Christ’s kingdom. This view holds that once Mr. DeLay reaches the Heavenly gates, he'll likely be turned away by Heavenly gatekeepers in possession of knowledge and documents regarding the Majority Leader's ethics scandals that even the House ethics panel hasn't seen.

The biggest election of all
In recent weeks, Mr. DeLay has begun to complain that the failure of the House ethics committee to meet threatens to imperil the midterm election he faces next year. But even more importantly say sources, the ethics scandal that DeLay wants so desperately to leave behind could leave him behind—to face seven years of Tribulation and an unpleasant choice: martyrdom or the antichrist.

What should Congressman DeLay do to save his soul? Talk back to [email protected]