Transition to Theocracy May Take Time, Conservatives Caution

Americans eager to dismantle the outmoded wall between church and state and ban the teaching of evolution and other controversial theories in classrooms may have to wait a bit longer, conservatives are counseling. But while conservative groups were outraged at this week's Senate compromise that headed off the so-called nuclear option, they are heartened by recent polls showing that many Americans are tiring of democracy and ready to adopt a more rigorous political system.

Proponents of theocracy are encouraged to 're-fasten their faith belts'

By Deanna Swift

WASHINGTON, DC—Americans eager to begin the transition from a democratic to a theocratic form of government are going to have to 're-fasten their faith belts,' supporters said today. After a compromise was reached in the Senate, averting the so-called 'nuclear option,' conservative Christians warned that the road to theocracy, a form of governance in which a handful of religious leaders lead on the basis of divine guidance, may prove both longer and bumpier than they had hoped.

	Related Stories
	• Adultery Provision Could Stall Homosexual Marriage Amendment • New Poll: Americans Warming to Theocracy • White House Exploring 'Rapture' Contingency Plans

God is my Senator
For the hundreds of millions of Americans who call themselves 'theocrats,' this week's Senate compromise that preserved the filibuster and guaranteed three of President Bush's judicial nominees a confirmation vote was a major setback. Among the canceled plans: the dismantling of the outmoded wall between church and state, passage of a constitutional amendment banning adultery and the replacement of activist judges with new, more activist judges.

Even more significantly, a scheduled celebration planned for the weekend, at which a 5,300 pound statue of the Ten Commandments was to have been installed in the lobby of the Supreme Court building, has been postponed indefinitely.

Harsh words for nonbelievers
While theocratic Americans from coast to coast—from small towns to big cities—spent the day mourning the death of their divine dream, the leaders of their movement were quick to damn non-believing Senators to the fiery furnaces of hell. Dr. James Dobson, head of Focus on the Family, had harsh words for anti-theocratic Senators of both parties, noting that "nothing of significance has changed" as a result of the so-called compromise.

But perhaps no religious leader was as devastated over the setback to theocracy as Rev. Roy DeLong, chairman of the Coalition for Traditional Values. DeLong and his supporters had been planning on attending this weekend's Ten Commandments installation and were already fashioning a new abstinence-only code for unmarried congressmen. "To get so close to a theocracy only to lose it is just more disappointing than I can describe," says Rev. DeLong. "For the time being, we're going to have to go back to our original strategy of electing theocrats by stressing values issues."

A silver lining
Despite the obvious setback to dismantling the secular state, there is some good news for proponents of theocracy. Recent polls have shown that many Americans have grown tired of the democratic system of government with its demands for civic engagement and voter participation and would like to try out a form of governance that draws its authority directly from God.

One such poll found that 62% of Americans now believe that God intended for the United States to be a theocracy. Twenty-three percent of Americans were attending a Christian church service or were watching such a service on television at the time that the poll was taken. Meanwhile, fourteen percent of Americans were disqualified from participating in the poll because they had either belonged to or had given money to the ACLU at least once in their lifetime.

I married an activist judge
Further surveys have revealed that the majority of Americans live in abject terror of activist judges, fearing the black-robed gavel wielders more than toxic mold, North Korea, or even crabgrass. Asked what to do about the life-threatening problem posed by activist judges, nine out ten Americans said that the solution was to replace them with other, different activist judges.

Would you like to try a more divine form of governance? Talk back to [email protected] .

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Comments

[Rev Joe Bob]

The New Orleans Flood is God's message to kill Pat Robertson, for his hubris, kill all ID believers for their stupidity, and kill all right-wing minions because we need to improve the gene pool. I had a vision and The Lord God said it is so.

Theocracy In Action!

Hallelujah!

[Bern]

Good news and bad news: the good news is God exists.
The bad is that George created 'him'!

[Bern]

Good news and bad news: the good news is God exists.
The bad is that George created 'him'!

[Serpent]

I cannot believe this, these polls must be a fake. Dependent on where you call, you could get very varying answers, especially when the interviewers ask leading questions. But this is the typical way if you want to pacify a population that is already trapped in fear of new terror attacks, by showing them tainted polls that are an indication that people wants some kind of dictatorship.

Even on conservative forums, there is an occasional nutcase who believe that Bush is the second incarnation of Moses or whatever, but the clear majority of conservatives seems rather normal.

[toad]

Coalition for Traditional Values, wow that is one group I missed in my "Bomb Throwing Hate Peddlers" Blog. Ill have to check them out.

[Lyn]

OK, here's the newsflash -- although I'm sure some of y'all already know it: True democracy is as close to a true theocracy as we can get. Say what? Yes, that's what I said. Because (here comes the flash) God is US. No, no, NOT the "United States" (shudder), but us people.

Or, to put it more grammatically, God is WE! Because "God" is the conscious energy without which the universe could not/would not exist. That we are CONSCIOUS is the way wherein we are "in the image of God." "God" only "works" in this world through us. And the more conscious WE are, the more of "God's work" is made manifest. The real enemies of "God" are those who want us to be UNconscious -- in other words, the ideologues/demagogues of EVERY stripe!

By the way, the true nature of "God" (as you'll realize as you get into it) is LOVE. Not sex (though joyful, consentual sex is much closer to God than is war), but the kind of love that prompts us to care, REALLY CARE, about other people -- ALL OF THEM.

So, there it is folks, the secret of the universe, not to mention human life. Of course, I didn't figure this out by myself -- and I suspect this is only the BEGINNING of wisdom. But the fact that I was able to learn this much is proof that anyone who REALLY wants to know, can find it. Peace!

[Alan]

If "Ford is Lord", let's all just buy Hummer's, and watch the "New Ed Sullivan Show" in September on FOX, with the new act: "Cup and Saucer Sinners {OH!! I meant "Spinners"} Extraordinaire: the 'Frist-Dee Leigh Brothers'", back from their world tour in Tierra del Fuego and Zanzibar, spinning their divine kitchen ware.

[Sideshow Bob]

I'm pretty neutral on all this God stuff.

Just as long as we Americans protect the right to own large, semi-automatic weapons.

And Nazi memorabilia, of course.