It’s holiday time again, and the editors of the Swift Report present you with our annual recommendations of gifts for the ones you care most about. Whether your crowd is downright naughty or conservatively nice, consult our ultimate holiday gift guide, which covers most everything the busy Swifter could want.
By Todd Fox and Deanna Swift
The Pherometer
"When No Really Means Yes"
Ever wonder, Do we have chemistry? With this amazing device that resembles a wrist watch, sexual consent will no longer be a confusing question of rhetoric. Using a highly sensitive pheromone sensory technology, the Pherometer measures the level of chemosexual attraction of your potential mate. Great for discreet use at parties and social gatherings. Her lips may say No, but with the Pherometer, soon you'll both may be saying: Oh, Yes!
Deanna Swift: At last, a way to end those tiresome “he said/she said” controversies that are at the heart of so many date rape cases. Now if they would just invent a ‘merit-o-meter’ that could determine whether a lawsuit has actual merit or is merely the product of greedy trial lawyers seeking to extort millions in damages.
Todd Fox: If only I had had one of these gizmos back in college! Certainly would have saved me from some embarrassing moments. The Pherometer worked equally well with both sexes, but I had to withhold my A rating, as it doesn't screen for family members. Oh grandma, say it ain't so!
Bible Answer-All
In Revelation 4:1, who is told to "Come up hither"?
Who led a rebellion against the authority of Moses and the ground swallowed them up?
The Bible Answer-All’s lightning fast search and retrieval engine serves as a way for you to get solid answers to these and other important scriptural questions. Defend your faith against false teachers, prophets and--let's face it--annoying know-it-all family members. By pointing to the Bible as both the source and final court of truth, this electronic device will help you discern right from wrong and avoid deception like no other handheld device available to date. Just imagine what Jesus would have done if he had had one of these.
Deanna Swift: Boy could I have used this last weekend when my blue-state brother-in-law and I were arguing over the Bible’s position on taxes. I knew that tax collectors are compared to drunkards, gluttons and other sinners but couldn’t remember if the reference was from Matthew or Daniel (it’s Matthew). I’d love to give it to him for Christmas--that is if he and his secularist wife actually celebrated Christ’s birth.
Todd Fox: Holy Jehosaphat! This thing really does bring chapter and verse to your fingertips, er, tap of the stylus. A bit disappointed that it does not give you the option to choose which version of the text (it is King James). Also, I had difficulties with the "beam a prayer" feature--could not tell if it was sent.
ASI-MO Robotic personal shopper
Tired of dealing with bitchy retail queens? In need of fashion advice, but afraid to support the homosexual agenda? The ASI-MO Robotic personal shopper is designed to operate in the real world, and can provide you with the level of individualized attention and service beyond what your typical homosexual would offer. This stylish stylist is ideal for pulling outfits for upscale functions, from Christian Coalition award ceremonies to GOP benefit dinners, but can also assist in putting together your entire season’s wardrobe. ASI-MO's abilities to walk with attitude, navigate malls, and recognize sales will enable ASI-MO to easily function in our world and truly assist humans.
Deanna Swift: I found the ASI-MO vastly preferable to dealing with the hipster clerks with attitude that one encounters so often. My complaint was in the quality of the garments the robot retrieved for me. I specifically asked for size 14 trousers and got a size 12 instead. And the silk blouse ASI-MO selected for me was decidedly see-through, not at all appropriate for Sunday services.
Todd Fox: I give this a nelly ho-ho-ho! Took it to Nieman Marcus with me and boy did the heads turn! ASI-MO shopped for all my holiday gifts while I enjoyed an Egg Nog latte. Had I the money, I'd have this buddy under my tree. Attachments come separate. Enough said!
eMail-to-Mail® Integrated Mailing System
Weary of virtually everything delivered to you in an instant? Experience the nostalgia of the pre-information age when missives traveled through traditional channels and took their time to reach you. This new integrated mail system, from mail experts Pitney-Bowes, will transfer your outgoing electronic mailings to print, and then will envelope, stamp, and label each for real-time postal delivery. By eliminating virtual handling and letting eMail-to-Mail® do the work, all of your messages will remain private and confidential, leaving little chance that hackers will be intercept your secret notes.
Deanna Swift: What a treat it was to open old-fashioned envelopes again! No more e-mail for me; it’s strictly paper and stamps for this gal. One suggestion: a feature that would let you filter out pornographic spam before you open the envelope and see you-know-what staring you in the face.
Todd Fox: I imagine this is a gift the USPS is going postal over. Certainly a must-buy for those who like to send threatening letters anonymously. If only this would walk the letters to the post office!
The Swift Stocking Stuffer
The Bill O'Reilly Caribbean Bath Collection
"Once people get into that hot weather they shed their inhibitions." Bill O'Reilly.
For your next steamy Caribbean fantasy, why not slip into a hot bath, tune in the O'Reilly Factor, and treat yourself with the "little loofah thing." We guarantee, you'll be glad you did.
Use the link to visit my site and view some other fine gift alternatives for that "compassionate conservative" friend on your list. All proudly presented by RoveCo International, including the Bush "Ike" Jacket, Na'Palme' fragrance for men and women, and the "Ghost Toast" kit. All payable with the new "Political Capital Card"!
Posted by: The Dood | December 18, 2004 at 07:08 AM
We suspect that you might have given the ASIMO shopping droid a higher grade if you had popped for the optional rat brain.
Posted by: Simbaud | December 18, 2004 at 12:26 AM