The Swift Report

Hippies, Dems 'Burned Up' Over Flag Amendment

For hippies, democrats and other malcontents, summer is traditionally the peak flag-burning season of the year. But a push by Republican Senators to pass the Flag Protection Amendment may pour cold water on solstice celebrations, veggie cookouts and other warm-weather gatherings that typically feature flag burning as a main event.

Most Massachusetts Marriages on Verge of Collapse

It has been just over two years since a tribunal of black-robed Massachusetts judges set out to undermine traditional marriage. Now say a growing number of experts, most marriages in that state are teetering on the verge of collapse. It is predicted that by 2013, the majority of adults in Massachusetts will be 'hooking up with' or married to at least one same-sex partner.

Bush: We Will Defend Marriage, Borders

They do the jobs that Americans by and large refuse to do: hairstylist, flower arranger, bathhouse attendant. But if President Bush gets his way, an amendment to the Constitution known as the Marriage and Border Protection Amendment will soon bar gay aliens from penetrating the nation's borders and undermining our most sacred institution: legal heterosexual marriage.

Citing Religion, Pharmacist Refuses to Dispense Pharmaceuticals

A Georgia pharmacist has refused to dispense pharmaceuticals, maintaining that filling prescriptions for allergy medicine, antibiotics, and erectile dysfunction treatments violates his religion. The pharmacist says that while he is still willing to sell vitamins and topical skin creams, distributing pharmaceuticals constitutes a denial of God's role as a healer.

Student Suspended Over Evolution Slur

A seventh grade student at a south central Kansas junior high school has been suspended after implying that a classmate was descended from monkeys. School officials say that the student's two-week suspension was merited by the seriousness of the offense. 

Most Americans Want to See Constitution Replaced by Ten Commandments

Following the lead of France and the Netherlands, American voters are widely expected to reject the US Constitution when they go to the polls later this summer. While the Constitution was once held in great acclaim by voters, its popularity has slid in recent years as it has lost market share to more muscular governing documents, including the Ten Commandments and the Patriot Act.

Iraqi Constitution Snags on Gay Marriage

Members of the Iraqi National Assembly are still struggling to come to an agreement on how the country's new constitution should handle a controversial issue: gay marriage. The delay in completing a constitution for Iraq comes as a blow to the Bush Administration which went into Iraq more than two years ago in order to defend traditional marriage.

Miers 'Chaste,' Religious Leader Assured

Seeking to win over conservative Christians to the side of Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, administration officials have begun to spread the word that the unmarried Ms. Miers is 'chaste,' and has never lain with a man. If confirmed, Ms. Miers will likely be the first virgin justice to join the Supreme Court.

Few Americans Familiar with More than Four of Ten Commandments

While the Ten Commandments are increasingly popular in both text and tablet form, a new poll has found that few Americans are familiar with more than four of them. The Biblical bans on murder, theft, and adultery ranked highest among adults surveyed, while only a handful were familiar with Commandments prohibiting graven images and false witness.

Poll: Karl Rove Leak Story 'Boring,' 'Hard to Follow'

A recent poll reveals that most Americans aren't paying attention to 'Rove-gate' because the story is boring and hard to follow, and say that they would be more interested in the CIA leak probe if it involved celebrities. As to the relationship between Karl Rove and President Bush, a majority of Americans says that the long-time companions should not be allowed to marry but should enjoy many of the rights afforded to married couples.