The Swift Report

Citing Religion, Pharmacist Refuses to Dispense Pharmaceuticals

A Georgia pharmacist has refused to dispense pharmaceuticals, maintaining that filling prescriptions for allergy medicine, antibiotics, and erectile dysfunction treatments violates his religion. The pharmacist says that while he is still willing to sell vitamins and topical skin creams, distributing pharmaceuticals constitutes a denial of God's role as a healer.

Pray for your soul and call me in the morning

By Hermione Slatkin, health correspondent

MARIETTA, GA—When Bud Fisher stopped by a suburban Atlanta pharmacy to fill a prescription for a troublesome case of athlete's foot, the pharmacist told him something he'd never heard before: no. "He told me I'd have to take my business elsewhere because for him to give me my foot cream would be a violation of his religious beliefs," says Mr. Fisher, who has since had his prescription for Naftin, the only Rx allylamine cream and gel, filled elsewhere.

	Related Stories
	Transition to Theocracy May Take Time, Conservatives Caution Foes of Evolution Set Sights on New Target: Gravity Group Warns Spaying, Neutering Promote Pet Promiscuity

Just say no
It's a growing trend behind the counters of the nation's drugstores: licensed pharmacists who refuse to distribute pharmaceuticals for religious reasons. In recent months, pharmacists in Wisconsin, Illinois and Texas have all stood their ground and sent pill-seeking customers packing. At least one drugstore chain, Walgreens, now allows pharmacists to refuse to fill prescriptions.

Pharmacies latest 'drug-free zones'
But Marietta pharmacist James "Lou" Clements is the first known professional to refuse to distribute any medicines on the grounds that doing so would violate his deeply held personal beliefs. What's behind Mr. Clements' decision to stop meting out prescription pills, creams and syrups? He explains that his goal is to put a stop to practice of prescribing quickie medical fixes like antibiotics when prayer and fasting can be just as powerful.

Most diseases caused by sin
To make his case, Mr. Clements points to the Biblical figure of Asa, King of Judah, who was afflicted with a disease of the foot. "He only consulted physicians," notes Mr. Clements. "He had a bad case of foot disease, but he didn't seek help from God, and two years later he was dead." Reading about Asa's story and others, says the pharmacist, convinced him that modern medicine probably isn't the answer to the health woes of most Americans. "The physicians may have been able to treat the symptoms of Asa's problem but they couldn't get at the sin that was causing the disease."

Pharmacy students turning to Bible
While Mr. Clements' deeply held personal beliefs make him unique in his profession, a growing number of pharmacists in training say that they too plan to avoid prescribing pharmaceuticals for religious reasons. A number of colleges of pharmacy around the country now allow students to sit out classes on pharmaceutical education, letting them give topics like drug interaction, dosages and side effects a miss, if such topics violate their religious beliefs. Instead, the students study and prepare Biblical remedies, including a paste of mud and spit to cure blindness.

From filling 'scrips to filling time
For Mr. Clements, the biggest challenge these days is finding enough to do. While he still stands behind the pharmacy counter, clad in a crisp white jacket, he's no longer busy weighing, measuring, and mixing drugs and other medicinal compounds. Instead, he spends his days straightening displays of reading glasses and other non-prescription items, occasionally rifling through a magazine and talking to customers. "If you need vitamins or maybe an anti-wrinkle cream I can get it for you," he says. "As long as it's not prescription. That's where I draw the line."

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Man Sues After Being Implanted with Gay Stem Cells

A Kansas resident who underwent stem cell therapy for advanced male pattern baldness has since been diagnosed as gay. The man is now suing his doctors, alleging that they knew he did not want to be the recipient of gay stem cells.

Of the embryonic stem cells approved by President Bush, how many are gay?

By Hermione Slatkin

TOPEKA, KS—When Marybeth Witty stumbled upon her husband Dale watching a pornographic video on the internet, she knew something was wrong. Instead of looking at images of nude high school cheerleaders and young shaved lesbians as he often had in the past, the 37-year old auto parts salesman was taking in hot guy-on-guy action. "As soon as I saw what he was looking at I knew something was different," said Marybeth, a part-time manicurist who enjoys scrapbooking. "This was not the same Dale."

Finally: a cure for baldness
What precisely happened to her husband of eight years? Scientists say that the answer most likely lies in a controversial form of stem cell therapy that Mr. Witty underwent last year in an effort to finally cure the male pattern baldness that had tormented him for more than a decade. The changes in his behavior, says Marybeth, began soon after he—and his new head of hair—returned home. [Click thumbnail to view scientific diagram.]

...Experts estimate that as many as  10% of all stem cells   could be gay...

In a complex procedure that could soon become commonplace at hair clinics across the country, specialists took stem cells from the follicles of a donor, multiplied them in cultures, then implanted them into the scalp of Mr. Witty. Over the following months, the hair doctors coaxed Mr. Witty's new follicle stem cells to begin transmitting signals to his own shrunken, reluctant follicle cells. The result: a thick, healthy head of hair.

Diagnosis: gay
But while Mr. Witty got the lustrous locks of which he'd long dreamt, he may have also gotten something else from the lengthy and often painful procedure: gayness. After his wife found a personal ad that he had posted on gaychristians.com, seeking "pen pals and more," she convinced him to seek medical attention. The diagnosis: Mr. Witty is now gay.

Man says: "I won't take this lying down."
Within days of receiving the doctor's verdict, Mr. Witty had retained a lawyer and filed a lawsuit against specialists at Fetal Stem Cells, Inc., the center where he underwent the experimental hair treatment. According to court documents given to the Swift Report, Mr. Witty seeks to have the gay stem cells removed and replaced with straight cells at no cost, and is also demanding $99,000 for alleged pain and suffering.

While no one from FSC was willing to go on record about the pending lawsuit, a source close to the center say that this is not the first time that doctors there have been accused of implanting gay stem cells into straight recipients. "The problem is that you can't ask the stem cells if they are gay or straight," said the source. "You won't know until you've implanted them and they've had a chance to bloom." Experts estimate that as many as 10% of all stem cells could be gay.

Back on the straight and marrow
At home in Topeka, the Witty's say that they're anxious to resume the life they led before Mr. Witty was implanted with the gay stem cells. While they hope that a reversal of the procedure will cure him of his new taste for men, they say that they've got a back up plan prepared—just in case. Next month, Mr. Witty will travel to Orlando, Fla., to the headquarters of Exodus International, a world-renowned organization that helps individuals like Mr. Witty overcome their gayness.

Later this month, Mr. Witty will take his tale on the road, speaking to the 30th annual Exodus Freedom Conference in Asheville, NC, about the dangers of gay stem cells. "I didn't ask to be this way." said Witty, sporting a Caesar haircut. "I hope that the conference will allow me to hook up with other regular joes like me, who had this thrust upon them."

Hermione Slatkin can be reached at hermioneslatkin@yahoo.com

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

White House Appointees May Have 'Crony's' Disease

From former FEMA-front man Michael Brown to would-be-chief of Immigration Julie Myers, the niece of Air Force Gen. Richard B. Myers, the headlines of late have been filled with reports of unqualified individuals filling high-level jobs within the Bush Administration. Now scientists say they may finally understand why. These high-level appointees and the administration officials that recommended them for their jobs probably suffer from 'Crony's' disease, a genetic mutation that causes cronyism, corruption and unbridled patronage.

Experts say gene therapy could hold the cure for embattled officials suffering from 'Crony's Disease'

By Hermione Slatkin, health and science correspondent

SAN DIEGO, CA—Michael Brown. Julie Myers. David Safavian. Norris Alderson. They are the icons for a politically connected generation, as inexperienced as they are overcompensated. But what could cause these individuals to lobby for and accept positions for which they have no training, to engage in questionable contracting practices and to lie to federal prosecutors? 

Now, a team of scientists believes that it may finally have unlocked the mystery of what causes seemingly good people to go bad--or at least to be promoted well beyond their paygrades. The answer, it seems, is in the genes.

A gene for graft
The scientists, working in coordination with the Human Genome Project, say that they've finally identified what seems to be the genetic mutation that causes everything from cronyism and corruption to unbridled patronage .

The go-to gene, say scientists, is one of the more than 30,000 that make up the human gene sequence. By comparison, the fruitfly and the mustard weed, both of which lack the unethical gene, weigh in at 13,000 and 25,000 genes respectively.   

All it takes is one bad gene
While all humans possess the gene responsible for governing ethical behavior, it is a relatively rare mutation that causes full-fledged fraud to develop. "We're talking about a tiny percentage of cases where the gene has deteriorated to the extent that the disease manifests itself," says Dr. David Orlofsky, lead genomics experts at the Center for Structural Genomics. "Unfortunately, the cases where you do have deleterious genes often lead to behaviors that saddle society with a huge burden. It's this relatively small number of people with the disease who are being appointed to positions for which they are completely unqualified."

Dr. Orlofsky and his team spent 3 years studying the gene before they identified the marker for what genetics experts are calling Crony's disease.

Predicting ethical lapses
In recent years, genomics, the study of how genomes orchestrate the flow of information within cells, has taken off, facilitated by bioinformatics, the use of computers to process the huge amount of data that genomics is generating. And along the way, scientists have identified thousands of genetic markers linked to mutated genes associated with a range of medical problems.

Scientists say that they can identify the presence of the mutated gene that causes Crony's disease through a single drop of blood. A sample taken from former FEMA chief Michael Brown, for example, will be placed on a special slide and read by a laser. Within minutes, doctors will be able to determine whether Mr. Brown's incompetence on the job may have had a genetic basis. "I would imagine that even thought this is still pretty experimental stuff, Mr. Brown will be relieved to get a diagnosis," says Dr. Orlofsky. "At that point he can truthfully say that his genes made him do it."

A cure for corruption
Mr. Brown and others who are diagnosed as having the genetic disorder also have a treatment option: experimental gene therapy in which healthy genes are inserted into the genome to replace the offending, disease-causing gene. Using a carrier molecule known as a vector, the non-corrupt gene will be delivered to the target cells of ailing officials. If the new genes 'take,' the cells are restored to their original, ethical state, before the gene began to mutate, causing cronyism, corruption and ethical violations.

Who cheats?
Scientists say that their next step will be to identify the conditions under which the gene that dictates ethical behavior begins to mutate and otherwise 'go bad.' They say that they may also press for widespread testing in order to predict who will go on to develop Crony's disease. Initial testing is likely to center on high-risk sectors of the population, including office-seekers and holders of both political parties, evangelical preachers, major league baseball players and business school graduates.

For more information about treatment options, or to share your experience with Crony's disease, write to hermioneslatkin@yahoo.com.

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Group Warns Spaying, Neutering Promote Pet Promiscuity

A growing number of traditionalist pet owners are refusing to have their dogs and cats spayed and neutered, saying that surgical sterilization encourages pets to be sexually active before they are emotionally ready.

Pet abstinence movement has legs, culture watchers say

By Deanna Swift

 

	Related Stories
	• Adultery Provision Could Stall Homosexual Marriage Amendment • Doctors Doubt Teen's 'Virgin Birth' Story • Bush Abstinence Plan Pushes 'Virgin Birth'

BARTLESVILLE, OK—At just over a year old, Gunner looks—and acts—like a typical black Labrador Retriever. He bounds about the first floor of David and Shelley Frazier's split level home, his large paws hinting at just how big this pup will be when he reaches full size.

But Gunner isn't an ordinary pet—and David and Shelley are not ordinary pet owners. The three are members of a fledgling movement that promotes abstinence-only education for pets. While the vast majority of dogs Gunner's age have had their testicles removed in a process referred to as 'neutering,' 'castration,' 'fixing,' or 'altering,' this pup's sizable sacs remain intact, a testament to the Frazier's staunch opposition to neutering.

Promoting pet promiscuity?
"We felt like having him fixed was another way of saying 'you're good to go, Gunner. Go out and have all the fun you want,'" says Shelley Frazier. And that didn't sit well with their traditional values. Continues Mrs. Frazier: "At some point Gunner will find a mate and then he can start thinking about having puppies, but until then we're emphasizing abstinence as the best course for him."

But when they went looking for a pet-training curriculum that reflected their values, the Frazier's were shocked to discover that local dog trainers simply accepted that young dogs of all breeds and ages would freely engage in sexual activity—and promoted neutering as the best way to lower skyrocketing pregnancy rates among female dogs.

A traditional alternative 
So the Frazier's sought out an alternative, and after weeks of contacting other traditionalist pet owners they met their match: People for the Traditional Treatment of Animals (PTTA), founded in 2000 by long-time pet abstinence advocate Patty Dennon. At their very first meeting in nearby Oklahoma City, the Frazier's rubbed elbows with dozens of traditionalist owners of Afghan Hounds, Pointers, Pugs—even a Siamese cat—all committed to raising their animals 'right,' in a culture so morally bankrupt that even pets are adversely affected.

He heated up the screen in the critically acclaimed—and sexually charged—film Y Tu Mamá También, and he’s doing it again in the newly released Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. Mexican heartthrob Diego Luna is now touting the importance of abstinence—for dogs and cats—in a new PTTA ad targeting the problem of dog and cat overpopulation.

Click thumbnail to view new PTTA ad.

 

"After a few hours of education about our program, 75% of the people in the audience become convinced that animal abstinence is the way to go," says Dennon. "Our goal is actually to create a culture shift in the way that pets are treated in America. We want to see the concept of abstinence be the norm rather than the exception."

Handling misconceptions
Dennon's traditionalist approach to raising and caring for pets may strike some as unfamiliar. Instead of encouraging pet owners to get their dogs and cats spayed and neutered, Dennon focuses on values, or better yet, the lack of values in today's animal world. The poster child for that degraded culture: Smarty Jones, last year's Kentucky Derby winner and a notorious stud. Mr. Jones, who was booed and hissed at one recent PTTA meeting, has reportedly had 111 different sex partners this year.

When Dennon does speak of spaying and neutering, it is to warn the pets and their families that the sterilization processes won't necessarily prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. "What I tell them is that if your pet is spayed or neutered and chooses to have sex, they're not getting the protection they think they are," says Dennon. As for her own 7-year old tabby, Rachel, and her 3-year old Portuguese Water Dog, Bruno, Dennon puts her money where her mouth is. "If either of them came to me and was going to have sex, I wouldn't tell them they needed to get spayed or neutered first. I don't think it will protect them."

Pet heaven
As for the Frazier's, they came out of the PTTA meeting more convinced than ever that abstinence is the best course for Gunner—at least until he enters into a committed relationship. "This is the best situation for him because he shares our values," says Shelley Frazier.

And when they're not trying to keep Gunner away from the Foxhound floozy down the street, the Frazier's have a new mission: figuring out a way for their puppy to accompany them when they are 'raptured,' or summoned up to heaven in the event predicted in Thessalonians and expected to take place any day.

So far though, it seems unlikely that the Frazier's abstinent pooch will be able to travel skyward with them at rapture-time. Most prophecy experts agree that when the believers are raptured, their pets will probably be left behind.

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

'Bloodless' Cheney Bewilders Doctors

Doctors who performed surgery on Vice President Dick Cheney over the weekend to remove aneurysms from behind both of his knees say that they made a bewildering discovery: Mr. Cheney has no blood flowing through his veins. Doctors present in the operating theater also determined that the Vice President's body temperature is approximately 45 degrees, less than half the average human temperature.

Lab tests reveal ethylene glycol and green fluorescent dye. 

By Hermione Slatkin

WASHINGTON, DC--Doctors who performed surgery over the weekend to treat aneurisms behind both of Vice President Dick Cheney's knees say that they made a bewildering discovery during the procedure: Mr. Cheney has no blood flowing through his veins.

	Related Stories
	• Ethics Troubles Could Keep DeLay Out of Heaven • FBI Wiretap Finds Widespread Support for Patriot Act • Americans Warming to Theocracy

An astounding discovery
Surgeons say that they made the highly unusual finding while implanting stent tubes in the Vice President's legs, intended to help what they expected to be blood flow through Mr. Cheney's weakened arteries. Instead of fluid plasma and cells, however, the doctors encountered something altogether different: a viscous fluorescent green liquid.

A bright green liquid
"We were prepared for the typical amount of bleeding that accompanies any invasive procedure, but I'd never seen anything like this before," says Dr. Marvin Henry, one of the team of surgeons that operated on the Vice President. "Liquid tissue is ordinarily a deep red in color when it's exposed to oxygen. This liquid was bright green."

Mystery in a test tube
Puzzled by the mysterious fluid circulating through Mr. Cheney's veins, the surgeons immediately collected some of it in test tubes and sent the samples to the laboratory at the George Washington University Hospital. There, a team of chemists and lab technicians got to work, conducting experiments and analysis in order to identify the structure and composition of the liquid.

"It tastes disgusting"
The lab experts finally identified the fluid through a taste test; one brave technician detected the presence of a bittering agent known as denatonium benzoate (trade name Bitrex). After that, it wasn't long before the scientists knew what they had on their hands: ethylene glycol, more commonly known as antifreeze, the water-based liquid coolant used in gasoline and diesel engines to keep them from freezing.

A body temperature far below normal
The surgeons who performed the operation on Mr. Cheney say that they suspect that the presence of antifreeze in his veins is most likely the result of intelligent design, the work of the same designer who gave the Vice President a body temperature less than half that of the average human beings. While most humans maintain a temperature of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, or 37 degrees Celsius, Mr. Cheney's internal temperature is just 45 degrees Fahrenheit, a mere 13 degrees above freezing. "At temps that cold, he probably doesn't have to worry about his organs freezing up but things can definitely get a bit sluggish," says Dr. Henry. "That's probably why his designer gave him ethylene glycol. It was a very intelligent thing to do when you think about it."

Surgeons kept the Vice President on ice throughout the six-hour long procedure in an effort to keep his body temperature from rising to normal human levels.

Antifreeze no risk to stent grafts
Doctors say that there is no reason why the stent tubes implanted behind both of Mr. Cheney's knees can't help the Vice President's internal antifreeze to circulate despite the fact that they were originally designed to aid in blood flow. While lab technicians were unable to identify Mr. Cheney's brand of antifreeze, they speculate that it is likely one made by the Dow Chemical Company, a major contributor to the Bush/Cheney election fund in 2000. 

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Poll: Rove, Bush Deserve Same Benefits that Married Couples Have

According to a recent poll, a wide majority of Americans believe that long-time companions President Bush and advisor Karl Rove should have access to the same rights that married couples enjoy. Under current law, Mr. Rove would be denied hospital visitation rights should the President become ill. Nor could the two exercise the right to refuse to testify against one another should legal troubles befall one or both of them.   

Legal limbo for a couple of more than 30 years

By Deanna Swift

WASHINGTON, DC—A new poll reveals that an overwhelming majority of Americans believe that President Bush and his confidante of more than 30 years should have access to the rights and privileges enjoyed by their married counterparts. Under current state and federal laws, with the exception of the gay state of Massachusetts, Mr. Bush and Mr. Rove are denied more than 1,000 rights afforded to married couples, including the right to visit one another in the hospital in the event of an emergency and the right to refuse to testify against one another should legal troubles befall one or both of them.

	Related Stories
	• Poll: Karl Rove Leak Story 'Boring,' 'Hard to Follow' • New Poll Shows Most Americans Think 'Some Torture' OK • Jailhouse Weight Loss Plans More Popular than Ever

'How can something so right be so wrong?'
According to the poll, 71% of Americans answered 'yes' to the question "Should President Bush and Karl Rove be able to enjoy the same benefits and responsibilities that married couples have?" Twenty-eight percent of Americans answered 'no.'

The poll was conducted by the Swift Report, a popular conservative Weblog that frequently covers gay issues of importance to the GOP. Earlier this year, the Swift Report released the results of another poll in which it ranked the most influential gay Republicans. In that survey, actor Charlton Heston narrowly beat out such party luminaries as Abraham Lincoln and J. Edgar Hoover for the honor of 'top' GOP gay.

America embraces a conservative couple
What accounts for the embrace of the long-time political partners, at a time when much of the GOP remains hostile to gay marriage in particular and to homosexuals in general? Swift Report founding editor Todd Fox, the author of the forthcoming self-help guide "Stumbling Down the Yellow Brick Road: An Ecumenical Ex-Gay Travel Journal," (Regnery) speculates that because the two men live their lives in the public eye, not in the closet, many Americans have come to accept their relationship.

"They're in the news day after day in a way that allows us to really celebrate their partnership, their closeness," says Mr. Fox. "And when we see that these two guys have been able to make it work for more than 30 years, I think that something in our heart-of-hearts says 'let's help them make it permanent. Let's help them go all the way.'"

A warm bath of affection—but trouble ahead?
But while the poll may signal the high regard—and the warm bath of affection—in which most Americans hold the relationship between Mr. Bush and Mr. Rove, the two still face a rocky road together given the current legal climate. For instance, should the two be embroiled in some kind of legal trouble, Mr. Rove could not refuse to testify against Mr. Bush. He would have that right were the two married, or afforded the rights of a married couple.

A love name made public
There may also be limits as to just how much the public wants to know about these long-time companions. Case in point: the recent revelation regarding Mr. Bush's nickname for Mr. Rove, "Turd Blossom," meaning a flower that sprouts upon cattle excrement in Texas or a term of endearment between two men. (Mr. Rove's nickname for Mr. Bush, "Texas Longhorn," a popular term of endowment, has been less well publicized.) When Mr. Bush's name for his companion appeared in newspapers across the country, several editors moved to strike the reference, maintaining that it was unsuitable for family publications.

The Roberts effect
Sources close to the couple also say that good old-fashioned jealousy could be taking a toll on the two. Mr. Rove is reportedly unhappy with President Bush's choice for the Supreme Court, ex-gay conservative John Roberts. Says one insider: "Karl is worried because George had been spending so much time with John, who frankly is younger and better looking than Karl is. Who wouldn't be a bit wary?"

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Movement to Classify 'Liberalism' as Mental Disorder Gains Steam

Think that some of President Bush's judicial nominees are 'out of the mainstream'? Worried that John Bolton may not have the temperament to represent the U.S. at the U.N.? If some Republicans get their way, there may soon be an official diagnosis of what really ails you: political paranoia disorder.

American Psychiatric Association approves the inclusion of "Political Paranoia" in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

By Hermione Slatkin, medical correspondent

NEW YORK, NY—When Zacharia Goodman recently sought out the help of a therapist, it was no mystery as to what was ailing him. The 27-year-old copy editor was so consumed by his belief that President George W. Bush stole the 2004 election that he was having trouble sleeping, completing rudimentary tasks at work, and carrying on conversations about topics not related to politics.

The therapist he consulted wrote Goodman a prescription for the social anxiety drug Paxil and encouraged him to spend less time reading left-wing Web logs and listening to Air America.

This particular story has a happy ending; Goodman admits that he's already far less irritating to be around than he was just a few weeks ago. But countless paranoids just like him may be going untreated, say mental health professionals. The reason: the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM presently excludes political paranoia from its 933 pages of symptoms, diagnoses and treatment recommendations.

 Download the Political Paranoia Inventory (PPI) Self Test

 

Democrat or just demented?
Now a group of Republican lawmakers is hoping that they can do something about the problem. Early this summer, Senator Bill Frist, the first practicing physician elected to the Senate since 1928, plans to file a bill that would define "political paranoia" as a mental disorder, paving the way for individuals who suffer from paranoid delusions regarding voter fraud, political persecution and FBI surveillance to receive Medicare reimbursement for any psychiatric treatment they receive.

Rick Smith, a spokesman for Senator Frist, says that the measure has a good chance of passing—something that can only help a portion of the population that is suffering significant distress.
"If you're still convinced that President Bush won the election because Republicans figured out a way to hack into electronic voting machines, you've obviously got a problem," says Smith. "If we can figure out a way to ease your suffering by getting you into therapy and onto medication, that's something that we hope the entire 109th Congress will support."

A vocal supporter
GOP Congressmen aren't the only ones committed to helping Zacharia Goodman and the tens of millions of Americans who are believed to have contracted political paranoia disorder. Popular conservative radio host Michael Savage has also joined the call to help those suffering from this devastating illness. In his new book, "Liberalism is a Mental Disorder," Mr. Savage shares his observations of the affliction he likens to a national cancer.

While the talk show host has yet to endorse Senator Frist's bill—Mr. Savage would like to see Medicare and other socialist-type programs repealed as they are not explicitly mention in the United States Constitution—he is expected to join with the GOP Senate leader this summer in a series of town hall meetings entitled "Helping Your Liberal Neighbor: America Confronts a Mental Disorder."

A meeting of the minds
Of course, while Congress can pass laws defining mental disorders, the ultimate decision regarding the inclusion of political paranoia disorder in the next version of the DSM isn't up to legislators—or activist judges—but to psychiatrists. The entire assembly of the American Psychiatric Association (APA) cleared the way for that move at their recent national assembly in May.

This won't be the first time that the APA has bowed to political pressure to add or delete common mental disorders. In 1973, the APA removed homosexuality from the massive psychiatric desk reference. The 1987 publication of DSM-III-R deleted ego-dystonic homosexuality as well.

Have you been diagnosed with political paranoia disorder? Share your experience with hermioneslatkin@yahoo.com.

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Drug Companies Say Promising New Therapies Could Treat 'Deeply Held Personal Beliefs'

A team of scientists has announced a breakthrough in therapies that could someday be used to treat so-called deeply held personal beliefs. The therapies, known as VOX III inhibitors, target the area of the brain responsible for generating strong opinions and have already shown promising results when tested upon lab rats and on human subjects at either end of the political spectrum.

At last, a pharmaceutical cure for partisanship?

By Hermione Slatkin, Health and Science Correspondent

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Three months ago, retail manager Lou Beamer met the girl of his dreams. She was attractive, a solid wage earner and shared his love for movies and long walks on the beach. But there was a problem. 'Sarah' was a member of the American Civil Liberties Union, the notorious organization of secularists that seeks to strip all references of God from public life.

	Related Stories
	Conservatives Push for Psychiatric Diagnosis of 'Loony Leftists' Red Parents, Blue Children? Experts Say Surgical Solution May Be Within Reach Man Sues After Being Implanted with Gay Stem Cells

"As soon as she told me, I knew that our relationship was over," says Beamer, who has since met someone whom he terms 'the woman of his dreams' through the Christian Singles Network. "She said those four letters, 'ACLU,' and I thought to myself 'I'm through with you.'"

Treating 'deeply held personal beliefs'
But what if there were a drug to help 'Sarah' overcome her secularist views? Or even better, a treatment that Mr. Beamer could take in order to temper his extreme aversion to secularists? The benefits, say experts, are obvious. Heterosexual couples like Beamer and 'Sarah' could someday sustain long-term relationships, even marriages. And the drugs could be used to heal the country's increasingly bitter partisan divide.

From lab to lobe
The new therapies, called VOX III inhibitors, work by targeting the portion of the brain responsible for generating strong opinions. Scientists have spent years developing the therapies, which they began testing upon laboratory rats. They initially divided their rodent subjects into three groups: so-called 'liberal' rats who were fed a steady diet of National Public Radio programming, 'conservative' rats, into whose cages was piped a mix of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and a control group for which the scientists played their own personal i-Pod collections.

After just three weeks of the selective programming, the channels were changed. For the partisan rats, says Dr. Wilson Reich, who oversaw the experiment, that switch was profound and painful—until they begin receiving an intraveneous drip direct to their frontal lobes, containing the VOX III inhibiting substance. "Then it was like we were dealing with a different group of rats entirely. The conservative rats could listen to NPR all day and you wouldn't see as much as a twitch," says Reich. "The possibilities for people were immediately obvious to all of us standing in the lab that day."

Ask your doctor if a VOX III inhibitor is right for you
The scientists are currently negotiating to sell their idea to a major drug company, and experiments on human subjects, many of whom have been diagnosed with political paranoia, are already underway. But while existing treatments for political disorders are confined to liberal diseases, experts say that the promise of the VOX III drug class lies precisely in its bipartisanship.

"I see patients all the time who are literally kept from living a useful life because of their deeply held personal beliefs," says Chicago therapist Lee Wichman, L.C.P.C. "They're such strong supporters of private Social Security accounts that they can't sleep. Or they end up losing their job because of their strong commitment to Darwinism. A drug like this might enable them to one day contribute to society."

Are you a candidate for a drug that treats deeply held beliefs? Ask your doctor, and talk back to hermioneslatkin@yahoo.com

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Ban on Gay Sperm Has Community Taking Matters into Its Own Hands

Last week's decision by the Food and Drug Administration to ban gay men from donating to sperm banks has angered many in the gay community, prompting some members to take matters into their own hands. A "call-to-arms" resulted in hundreds of semen samples being sent to the FDA's Rockville, MD, headquarters.

Protest organizers praise 'outpouring of support'

By Todd Fox

ROCKVILLE, MD—Long Island  residents Joey Mirras and Sandy McAvoy, domestic partners of 14 years, have never considered themselves "activists" and have little interest in politics. But that was before the Food and Drug Administration made its controversial decision to ban gay men from donating sperm to local sperm banks. The FDA's move, says Mirras, left them with bad tastes in their mouths, and prompted them to put out a "call-to-arms" among their extensive network of gay and straight friends. "We weren't going to take this lying down," says Mirras, whose movement called "Act Up, Jack Off" is now gaining national attention.

Sperm release hits the street
The protest has already resulted in hundreds of semen samples being sent to the FDA's Rockville, MD, headquarters. According to Maryland postal officials, the state's mail distribution centers have been flooded with the samples, sent in from all over the country and tagged with statements such as "Don't Ask, Don't Sell" and "Different Strokes for Different Folks." Mirras and McAvoy say that they plan to keep up the pressure on the agency until it comes to its senses. [Click thumbnail to view PDF letter urging the community to protest.]

Implications for GOP officeholders?
While the gay community has been sharply critical of the ban, the FDA's move also prompted harsh words from some unlikely quarters. A number of conservative Republican office holders are reportedly concerned that the new rule may affect them adversely, as most GOP leaders have turned out to be gay. One potential sperm donor who now fears being barred at the door: the Republican mayor of Spokane, WA, an outspoken opponent of gay rights who last week acknowledged trolling a gay website and soliciting sex with men.

"He's going through an incredibly rough time right now," says a source close to the embattled mayor. "It's tough enough for him to deal with the fact that he may have to step down from his job. Now he can't give sperm in Spokane? It's a tragedy."

Gay stem cells at issue?
In announcing the ban, which will prevent men who have had male sexual partners within the past five years from selling their sperm, the FDA cited statistics that gay men are at increased risk for diseases like HIV, syphilis, and hepatitis. But some observers say that the agency is less concerned about the sperm itself than about what that sperm might potentially produce: gay babies and their building blocks, gay stem cells.

Last month, a Kansas man who'd undergone stem cell therapy for male pattern baldness sued his doctors when he was diagnosed as gay just weeks after the procedure. Experts estimate that as many as 10% of all stem cells could be gay.   

An outpouring of support
Meanwhile, Joey Mirras and Sandy McAvoy say that they're thrilled that their call for action resulted in a quick response, and a flood of activity. "We really didn't expect so many people to respond so vigorously," said Mirras. "The outpouring of support has really been moving and motivating for us."

Do you think that the FDA has taken a badly aimed shot at the gay community? Send your opinion to toddfox4u@yahoo.com

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Critics Charge that New Food Pyramid is in Bad Taste

The U.S. agriculture department is unveiling a new icon this week intended to help Americans make healthy food choices. But despite its new look, the food pyramid now features plenty of familiar corporate logos. 

And a new slogan: "Invest in your health"

By Hermione Slatkin, Health Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC—The Bush Administration has relied on sophisticated PR tools to promote everything from Social Security reform to a kindler, gentler image overseas. In what could be its most ambitious initiative to date, the administration has teamed up with a top PR company to change the way Americans eat. This week, the government will unveil a new, improved version of a familiar icon--the food pyramid--updated to include some familiar corporate logos.

For sale: the food pyramid
To overhaul its famous food pyramid, the Agriculture Department (USDA) has brought in top PR firm, Porter Novelli, at a cost of $2.5 million. Porter Novelli brings to the project an impressive roster of food industry clients, including the Campbell Soup Company, McDonald's and the Dole Food Company. Several of the companies have weighed in on the icon that will be used to help Americans make healthier food choices, suggesting, for example, that the pyramid include more processed foods, or specific brand names.

Sources close to the project say that many of those suggestions have been adopted, and that the revised version of the pyramid will feature prominent corporate logos in place of the old cartoon images of eggs, bread and meat. (Click thumbnail to enlarge image.) 

Invest in your health
Along with the food pyramid's high-powered makeover, The USDA is also rolling out a new slogan: "Invest in your health," a phrase intended to reflect the department's embrace of the Bush Administration's concept of an ownership society, in which Americans take personal responsibility for every aspect of their lives from home ownership to retirement to food choices.

"We want Americans to think about nutrition the way they do about their investments. Put something in, you want to get the maximum back in return," says Alan Schloesser, a spokesperson for the agency. "The new pyramid will help Americans identify what food choices will give them the most bang for their buck. Bread, cereals, rice and grains are like blue chip stocks—steady, dependable. Your meats and other fats are like high risk stocks—tech companies or emerging markets. It's fine to experiment occasionally, but you don't want to make them the basis of your portfolio or your meal plan," says Schloesser.

New standards—and some familiar logos
The USDA's new dietary guidelines encourage Americans to forego fatty favorites and sugary staples in favor of fruits, vegetables and whole grains. The government says that 50% of our daily diet should be fruits and vegetables. The new guidelines recommend that an average person consume roughly 4 1/2 cups of fruits & veggies and at least 3 ounces of whole grains a day.

But if the current obesity epidemic is any indication, transforming the way Americans eat may be easier said than done. And while many Americans may still be unfamiliar with whole grains or with unusual vegetables like broccoli or kale, the USDA is hoping that the introduction of familiar corporate logos will change all of that—in a hurry. "When you looked at the original pyramid, you had to try to guess what the picture symbolized. But images aren't always accurate," says Schloesser. "Just because something is brown doesn't mean it's made from whole grains."

In poor taste?
Critics note that most of the companies included on the new pyramid have made sizeable donations to either the Bush reelection campaign, or to the committee that sponsored the President's inaugural celebration. Unlike campaign donations, which are strictly limited by federal law, corporations may give unlimited amounts to inaugurations.

Company logos that will dress up the redone pyramid include Dole, whose CEO David Murdock brought in more than $100,000 for the Bush reelection effort. The meat, poultry, fish and dry beans category will sport the familiar Tyson logo. Tyson donated $100,000 to the 2005 Presidential Inaugural Committee. Finally, the fats, oils and sweets category will be stamped with two of the best known corporate logos in the country: Coca Cola and Pepsi Cola. Pepsi Cola gave $100,000 to the inauguration, while Coca Cola VP Barclay T. Resler was a Bush "ranger," rounding up more than $200,000 in campaign contributions for the president.

Not every company included in the new pyramid is a Bush donor. While the CEO of Kellogg's, Carlos Gutierrez, is President Bush's commerce secretary, the company has not given sizeable amounts to the Bush campaign or to the Republican Party.

Bottoms Up
The Food Guide Pyramid was originally introduced as an easy way to show what food groups make up a healthy diet. The visual aid also demonstrates the importance of consuming a variety of foods from all five groups. The pyramid shape (rather than a circle or square) also indicates which foods we should eat the most of and which we should eat less of. The food groups that make up the widest part of the pyramid, or its base, should provide the bulk of our daily diet. As we ascend the pyramid, the amount of foods we consume should get smaller.

The addition of corporate logos marks the first substantive overhaul to the Food Guide Pyramid since it was unveiled by the USDA in 1992.

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Some See Hand of Devil in Deaths of Schiavo, Pope

The recent deaths of Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II were as untimely as they were unexpected. But now some religious leaders are asking if darker forces may have been involved—if the twin deaths were, in fact, the work of the devil. And with the Reverend Jerry Falwell still ailing, some are asking an obvious question: which religious icon will be next? 

Is Michael Schiavo the devil incarnate, or merely an incubus?

By Deanna Swift

VATICAN CITY--The recent deaths of Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul were as untimely as they were unexpected. But despite the obvious parallels between the two—both were physically disabled persons who were fed through tubes—some religious leaders are beginning to question whether the Florida woman and the now deceased pontiff may have shared a darker connection: deaths that were the result of devilish intervention.

According to scripture, the hand of the devil will become increasingly obvious after the period known as 'the Rapture,' the long-foretold event in which God welcomes his most faithful followers into the heavens. The rapture is believed to have occurred last month, meaning that nonbelievers are now well on their way to a tumultuous period known as the tribulation. To date fewer than 50 Christians are confirmed as having been raptured.

Is Schiavo the devil?
While the hand of the devil seems to be everywhere in our coarsened, secularized culture, a growing number of observers believe that they can now match a face with the name of the Antichrist: Michael Schiavo. In recent weeks, internet chat rooms and conservative talk radio stations have been dominated by reports that Schiavo planned to murder his wife Terri in order to keep her from revealing that he was, in fact, the Antichrist.

But not everyone agrees with that assessment. While they are quick to condemn Mr. Schiavo, some Christians are reluctant to officially tag him with the Antichrist brand. During the years of Tribulation, marked by earthquakes, catastrophic floods and the end of traditional marriage, the Antichrist is expected to emerge as a charismatic leader of the global community—more akin to Colin Powell or Bono than Michael Schiavo, who has no diplomatic experience and has not declared that he intends to seek global office.

Or merely an incubus?
The 'anti' camp in the Antichrist debate say that it is more likely that Mr. Schiavo is merely an incubus: a male demon that practices his dastardly deeds in the dark hours of the night.

"Anyone who has been following the story of Terri has to recognize that this guy is the devil in some form," says Mark Bruschi, a former security guard who left his job in Dayton, OH, and traveled to Pinellas Park, FL, to join last month's vigil in front of the hospice where Terri Schiavo lived. "Is he the Antichrist? It's still too early to tell. The Tribulation is just getting started—we haven't even seen the wrath of the lamb yet," says Bruschi, referring to the period during which God is expected to unfurl his vengeance on the earthly world. "Get back to me then and I'll let you know if Schiavo is your guy."

Who will be next?
Lost in the fanfare over first Ms. Schiavo's untimely death, then the Pope's unexpected demise, was the near death of another American religious icon: the Reverend Jerry Falwell. Hospitalized with pneumonia last month, the 71-year-old founder of the Moral Majority and Liberty University had to be resuscitated. While his doctors say that Mr. Falwell's health is much improved, he faces an uncertain future.

That's got some Christians worried about which of their leaders may have been scheduled for the next departure. "It could be any of them: Dobson, LeHaye, Colson. It's a terrible thought but that's how the devil works," says Sandy Slokum, executive director of Defend Our Marriages, an Arlington, VA-based advocacy group that seeks to amend the constitution in order to ban adultery. "These are dark days. Dark days indeed."

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

News that the 'Rapture' Has Come and Gone Alarms Many Christians

What if the 'Rapture' happened but you were left behind? That's what millions of Christians are wondering amid mounting evidence that the Rapture, the much-anticipated event in which God summons his faithful to the heavens, may have happened earlier this month. Among the startled 'still here': House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, just one of the political leaders who had expected to be making the trek skyward.

From Capitol Hill to Kansas, finger pointing and questioning: 'why are we still here?'

By Deanna Swift

Editor's note: After receiving hundreds of e-mails questioning the veracity of this article, the Swift Report conducted an internal investigation and later retracted the story. The official retraction can be read here.

WASHINGTON, DC--When House Majority Leader Tom DeLay delivered a moving speech from the halls of Congress last week, in which he argued that his political enemies are persecuting him because of his religious faith, there was just one problem: he wasn't supposed to be there. Earlier this month, say observers, the 'Rapture,' the much-anticipated event in which God summons his faithful to the heavens, finally happened.

But instead of Mr. DeLay and millions of other believers making the skyward trek, the biblical bash appears to have been an exclusive, invitation-only affair. As of today, fewer than three dozen Christians are confirmed to have been 'raptured,' leaving their rejected brethren to deal with seven years of Tribulation, a turbulent period marked by the return of the anti-Christ.

For those who had hoped to be cashing in on their heavenly rewards, these are days of soul searching and regret. From Capitol Hill to the mega-churches of the south, disappointed travelers are asking the same questions: 'Why not me?' 'What did I do wrong?' and 'Was it something I said?'

The lucky few
David Dumé, originally of Spring Hill, KS, appears to be among the lucky few who are currently enjoying the company of the world's most famous father. Mr. Dumé, who had recently returned to Kansas from Hollywood, where he enjoyed a short but lucrative career in adult-themed films, was expected to attend a potluck supper and informal prayer session at the Spring Hill Baptist Church—but disappeared from site just minutes after reaching the building.

Stunned onlookers say that they watched aghast as Mr. Dumé "flew up through the ceiling," leaving a pile of clothing, gold jewelry, an outsized diamond-covered crucifix, and several piercings and chains behind. Experts say that the fact that Mr. Dumé and others cast off such earthly accoutrements is another sure sign that they were indeed raptured.

And the not-so-lucky
The pastor of the church, Roy DeLong, who is also an active supporter of conservative political causes including a constitutional ban on gay marriage and private Social Security accounts, says that he is personally shocked that Mr. Dumé was chosen to make the trip, while he and so many other more faithful believers remain behind. "He was not even a regular presence around here, that's what's so startling. I don't want to say that mistakes were made, but you really have to wonder about the selection process here," says Pastor DeLong.

DeLong, who also heads up the Baptist Leadership Council, will join other prominent Christian leaders, including the Reverends Tim Lahaye, James Dobson and Franklin Graham, for an emergency meeting later this week. "At this point, we're concluding that this was probably a practice round before the real deal," says Pastor DeLong. "That's the only way this makes any sense. He left behind all of the wrong people. Why would He do that?"

The right—left behind
Meanwhile, no one appears to have made the trip upwards from Capitol Hill. Beltway observers had speculated that dozens of high-profile leaders, including President Bush and Representative DeLay, would be raptured, possibly setting off a complex battle over succession within the halls of power.

So certain were these men that their earthly tenure was coming to an end, say sources, that they scheduled a lengthy break over the Easter weekend. While Stewart Roy, a spokesman for Mr. DeLay, refused to acknowledge that the House Majority Leader has indeed been left behind, he did confirm that the Texas representative is taking some much-needed time off. "Let's just say that there are some unexpected openings in his schedule. I'm not going to say anything more than that."

Deanna Swift can be reached at deannaswift1@yahoo.com

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Doctors Baffled by DeLay's Missing Heart

When House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was hospitalized with heart problems last week, doctors believed they had a common case of arrhythmia, or irregular heart beat, on their hands. Instead, the Texas representative has been diagnosed with a highly unusual ailment known as 'antirrhythmia': the absence of a discernable heartbeat.

X-rays turn up no sign of missing organ; MRI scheduled

By Hermione Slatkin, Health Correspondent

WASHINGTON – When Texas representative Tom DeLay went to the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md. last week after experiencing what his office described as minor fatigue, cardiac specialists at the hospital believed they had a typical case of arrhythmia on their hands.

But a full battery of tests did not turn up the irregular heartbeat of which Mr. Delay has long complained. Instead, the House Majority Leader has been diagnosed with a highly unusual ailment known as 'antirrhythmia' in which the heart beat is not detectable to the human ear.

DeLay says he'll 'beat' condition
With no known treatment for the rare condition, the hospital elected to discharge Mr. DeLay so that he could rest at home. Despite the health set back, the congressman planned to push a head with a packed itinerary of speaking and fundraising over the weekend, traveling to Florida to address the Club for Growth, a conservative political organization, before heading to Georgia to raise money for Republican Representative Phil Gingrey.

"We told him he could go about his regular schedule, said Rear Admiral Arthur MacDonald, a member of the hospital's department of cardiology. "He can continue to fundraise as long as he doesn't over do it and go overboard."

Docs checked the right side first
When doctors first encountered the missing heartbeat, their initial diagnosis was that Mr. DeLay suffered from an unusual—but not unheard of—condition known as Dextrocardia with Situs Inversus in which internal organs develop on the right side rather than the left side of the body. Approximately one in 8,000 babies is born in the US each year with the genetic condition.

While the condition may lead to problems with organ function, it is not necessarily a death sentence. Mr. DeLay would have been the first known legislator to have been diagnosed with Dextrocardia with Situs Inversus.

Absence of heart shouldn't affect 'Hammer'
Doctors at the Bethesda hospital say that they haven't abandoned efforts to locate the congressman's heartbeat, noting that Mr. DeLay will be readmitted this week for an extensive battery of tests, including an EKG and an MRI, either of which could detect the missing organ.

In the meantime, however, the cardiac specialists say that they don't expect the absence of a heartbeat to have a noticeable impact on the former exterminator's job performance. "You wouldn't know to look at him that he suffers from antirrhythmia," says Rear Admiral MacDonald. "I expect that he'll continue to play the same role in his party and on Capitol Hill that he's been playing for the past 20 years."

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Proposed 'Terri's Law' Would Guarantee Food, Water and Shelter to all Americans

A bill introduced into the U.S. Congress by Florida legislators this week is intended to protect the life of Terri Schiavo, the brain-dead Florida woman whose husband seeks to remove her feeding tube. But legal analysts say that the bill, which would keep Terri alive by creating a guaranteed right to food, water and shelter, could have the unintended consequence of aiding the poor, including those who are not mentally incapacitated.

Some legislators seek to balance bill by making it harder for the mentally incapacitated to declare bankruptcy

By Deanna Swift

CLEARWATER, FL—The brain-dead Florida woman known to her supporters as 'Terri' made her presence felt on Capitol Hill this week as two Florida legislators introduced a bill intended to protect her life. Florida Senator Mel Martinez and Florida Representative Dave Weldon have filed a bill that would stymie the efforts of the woman’s husband, Michael Schiavo, to remove his wife's feeding tube by guaranteeing all Americans the right to food, water, and shelter.

But while Ms. Schiavo herself enjoys wide-spread support in the Republican-dominated legislature, few lawmakers have the stomach to embrace the concept of a guaranteed right to nourishment, warning that it could be taken advantage of by individuals other than Terri Schiavo, including poor Americans who are not mentally incapacitated.

A dangerous precedent
Legal experts also warn that by embracing the so-called ‘right to eat,’ the Bush Administration risks contradicting its avowed opposition to new international human rights. Earlier this month, the US fought unsuccessfully to amend documents from the historic Beijing Conference with language mandating that no new rights be created.

“The problem here is that once you say people have a right to eat, where does it stop?” asks Eric Stafford,” a spokesman for the Foundation for Moral Law, a nonprofit legal organization that seeks to reestablish a society with good morals and values as set forth in the Holy Bible. "If you say that everyone can eat and drink according to their needs, then how do we make sure that it applies just to Terri Schiavo and not to millions of other Americans, let alone to people around the world?"

Hungry for action
But Terri’s supporters, who gather in Clearwater, FL, each day in front of the home of Michael Schiavo, say that they are hungry for action—even it means embracing a law that is socialistic in nature. “If we end up protecting some other people in addition to Terri, so be it,” says Maryanne Gable, who traveled here from Augusta, GA to join the campaign to save Terri.

Support for ‘Terri’s Law’ is visible everywhere in this coastal city. ‘Terri’s Friends,’ as they call themselves, wear buttons and T-shirts and hoist placards bearing their new mantra: "Save Terri: Food, Water, and Shelter are Basic Human Rights for All.” The slogan has even been spray painted on an overpass above highway 19, one of the major thoroughfares here. [Click here to order a ‘Save Terri’ button today!]

Vote on 'Terri’s Law' could come next week
Capitol Hill insiders say that it’s still too soon to tell precisely how the guaranteed right to food, water and shelter will fare once subjected to congressional scrutiny, but predict that ‘Terri’s Law’ could come up for a house vote within days. 

While some GOP lawmakers are expected to balk at the idea of creating a right to food, others are embracing the idea. When Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum spoke to the press this week in support of President Bush’s plan to partially privatize social security, his support for ‘Terri’s Law’ was visible: he wore one of the ‘Save Terri’ buttons on his lapel.

Staff reporter Cole Walters contributed to this story from Washington, DC

Deanna Swift can be reached at deannaswift1@yahoo.com.

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Red Parents, Blue Children? Experts Say Surgical Solution May Be Within Reach

It’s an increasingly widespread problem: ‘blue’ children born to ‘red’ parents. But is there anything that can be done to treat early onset political disorders—before they harden into life-long voting patterns? Some scientists say that innovative laser surgery may be the answer, and that putting politically disturbed children under the knife is far more effective than treating them on the couch.

New research links liberal views in children to a genetic disorder

By Hermione Slatkin, Health Correspondent

BALTIMORE -- It's one of the first questions new parents hear these days: is your child liberal or conservative? But for a growing number of parents, the answer is an all too unpleasant admission. Call them red parents of blue children, or simply red-faced with shame, these conservative mothers and fathers are hungry for a solution.

Now, for the first time, scientists may finally be getting a handle on what causes political disorders in young children—and what can be done to cure this damaging affliction.

Bad judgment—in the genes
Researchers believe that our political views are genetically hard-wired into the brain before birth. So why are some children capable of advanced conservative reasoning while others are afflicted with Early Onset Political Disorder or EOPD? Scientists believe that this particular variety of political disorder results when a mutation causes the product of a single gene to be altered or missing. And unless the mutation is repaired at the cellular level prior to birth, EOPD can result. Download the EOPD selft-test (PDF).

Roughly 1 in 4,000 babies are born with the condition, say scientists, and until recently the prognosis for the afflicted children was extremely grim. “Most parents don’t even become aware that their child suffers from EOPD until it’s too late,” says Dr. Steven Geiger, director of research at the Center for Neurological Studies at the University of Illinois, Urbana Champaign. “They suspect that something is wrong, that their child is ‘different’ or ‘difficult,’ but we haven’t been able to offer them much hope.”

Under the knife—for a better life
But thanks to an innovative surgical procedure, a solution to the disorder may finally lay within reach. Using a technique similar to arthroscopic surgery, Geiger and others have been able to penetrate the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, the neural region where reason, emotion and judgment intersect.

By firing lasers at the cortexes of children who suffer from EOPD, the doctors say that they’ve been able to reduce symptoms of the disorder by as much as 75%. And best of all, once performed, the procedure seems to be permanent, although Geiger notes that his young patients may require another dose of the treatment once they turn 18. “It’s pretty amazing when you think about it. After just 30 seconds under the laser, these kids are able to distinguish between right and wrong when they couldn’t before.”

A success story
Margie and Steven Lauder of Plano, TX worried that something was wrong with their son Michael from the time he was a year old. He was frightened of the color red, notes Margie, and showed a disturbing lack of focus on himself. “You could give him a toy and he’d want to share it right away. He was more interested in whether the other kids had enough toys than whether he had one. We knew something wasn’t right.”

But that strange behavior erupted in a full-blown disorder last summer when the Lauder’s took their four children to a GOP-sponsored rally in support of the president. “Michael screamed and cried like he was in pain,” says Margie. “He cried for so long that he made himself sick. That’s how we knew that something was really wrong.”

The diagnosis of EOPD came soon after, and late last year Michael underwent laser therapy on his pre-frontal cortex at a Houston-area hospital. The transformation, notes Margie Lauder, was dramatic and immediate. “Now he’s just like the other kids. He wants to be the one with the most toys, and he doesn’t cry when he sees President Bush on TV.”

Send this page by entering the recipient's e-mail:

Pope’s Advisors Tell "Ill Papa" to 'Save His Breath'

With the 84-year-old Pope still suffering from the effects of flu and a recent tracheotomy, his advisors are urging him to choose his admonishments carefully. Sources close to the Pontiff say that they want him to avoid ‘wasting his breath’ on the condemnation of figures or acts that are only somewhat evil as opposed to truly evil.

The Swift Report asks: if you were the Pope, whom would you call ‘evil’ next?

By Hermione Slatkin, Health Correspondent

Vatican City—Pope John Paul II will likely need weeks of therapy to recover his speech following surgery on his windpipe, say sources close to the 84-year-old Pontiff. And with that in mind, the Pope’s advisors are cautioning him to choose his admonishments carefully, lest he ‘waste his breath’ by condemning figures or acts that are only moderately evil as opposed to truly evil.

In the coming days, the Pope’s physiotherapists will teach him to cover the tracheotomy hole in his neck with a finger while pushing air through his larynx. Next up: speech therapists will show their holy patient to articulate a vowel while exhaling, making the vocal cords vibrate and causing a basic sound to come out. Finally, the Pontiff will begin pronounce syllables, short words and brief phrases until he has resumed the capacity to speak.

Advisers to Pope: watch what you say
That long road to recovery makes it essential, say sources close to the Pope, that the still-ailing Pontiff be judicious about the individuals, acts and events that he calls evil. In the weeks leading up to his recent illness, the Pope was anything but selective with his condemnations.

In his most recent book, “Memory and Identity,” his fifth book for mass circulation, the Pope fired off a series of condemnations, calling homosexual marriages part of “a new ideology of evil.” The Pontiff also likened abortion to the Holocaust, and warned that evil lurks everywhere, even in liberal political systems.

The 'E' Word
Now, say his closest confidantes, the Pope must be far choosier before singling out whole classes of people, countries or historical moments and branding them with the ‘E’ word.

“It’s going to be very challenging for the Pope in these coming days and months,” says Marco Concetti, a regular theological commentator for the Vatican newspaper, L’Osservatore Romano. �