The Swift Report

Indictment Likely to Keep Tom DeLay from Heaven

The political future of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is in doubt today after he was indicted on a conspiracy charge. But the current heat on Mr. DeLay is nothing in comparison to what he'll experience if ethics charges result in him being 'left behind' to face a seven-year period of war, disease, famine and natural disaster known as the Tribulation.

Experts cite strict Biblical prohibition against taking bribes

By Deanna Swift

WASHINGTON, DC—The future of powerful Texas Republican Tom DeLay is in doubt today after he was indicted by an Austin grand jury on a single charge of conspiracy. But sources close to the Majority Leader say that the heat he is currently feeling is nothing compared to what he will experience if ethics charges result in him being ‘left behind’ to face the seven-year period of war, disease, famine and natural disaster known as the Tribulation.

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While Mr. DeLay's political future--and a long-planned trip to Heaven--are now in doubt, even Mr. DeLay's fans who believe that the born-again Congressman will be Raptured up to heaven along with millions of other Christians warn that he could face more challenges when he reaches the Kindgom in the sky. At issue: strict Biblical prohibitions against accepting bribes in any form.

Love from above
It is the moment that the fifty-eight year old DeLay has been dreaming of since he became a born-again Christian in 1985: the Rapture, the summoning up to Heaven of millions of believers. Those lucky enough to make the trip skyward will leave behind nothing but their clothing, shoes, jewelry and prosthetic devices—and millions of their unsaved brethren.

Or left behind?
But sources close to the Sugarland, TX Republican say that he is not just worried about his political future in this world, but in the next as well. "He's understandably nervous," says a friend and confidant of DeLay's. "At a certain point it’s less important what the Majority Leader actually did then what it is folks are saying about him. The concern is that He’s going to hear some of these charges and believe them before Tom has a chance to clear his name."

Thou shalt not accept bribes
While the Bible doesn’t mention ethical violations, lobbyists or corporate donations per se, the Book is crystal clear on the matter of bribery, particularly bribes that are given and received in the interest of perverting justice. "Do not accept a bribe, for a bribe blinds those who see and twists the words of the righteous," warns Exodus 23:8. "Be careful that no one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside," reads Job 36:18.

Now, even some of his colleagues are beginning to distance themselves from the GOP leader. "If you’re going to violate Biblical principles this probably isn't the one you want flout," says a DeLay aide who expects to be traveling skyward without the company of his boss.

Entry denied
Not everyone is convinced that the Majority Leader will be 'left behind' to endure seven years of Tribulation, marked by disease, famine, wars and natural disasters likely to wipeout some two-thirds of the world's population and lead to the end of the world as it is presently known.

A less popular view is that Mr. DeLay will be Raptured along with his fellow believers, but will fail to gain entry to Christ’s kingdom. This view holds that once Mr. DeLay reaches the Heavenly gates, he'll likely be turned away by Heavenly gatekeepers in possession of knowledge and documents regarding the Majority Leader's ethics scandals that even the House ethics panel hasn't seen.

The biggest election of all
Mr. DeLay was quick to dismiss the charges against him today, calling them "lies" and "political retribution" even as he was stepping down from his post as Majority Leader. But some experts are warning that the ethics scandal that DeLay wants so desperately to leave behind could leave him behind—to face seven years of Tribulation and an unpleasant choice: martyrdom or the antichrist.

What should Congressman DeLay do to save his soul? Talk back to deannaswift1@yahoo.com 

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Bush to Tour Mansions Ravaged by Estate Tax

President George W. Bush is encouraging Congress to focus on perhaps the most dire issue facing the nation today: the estate tax and its devastating impact on the richest Americans. Mr. Bush said that repealing the tax could aid tens, even dozens of Americans. Former FEMA chief and Arabian horse expert Michael Brown has been tapped to reach out to the victims of the tax.

Cargo planes arrive carrying fois gras and veuve cliquot

By Deanna Swift

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush is encouraging members of Congress not to delay in their efforts to improve the fortunes of some of the worst suffering Americans: those devastated by the estate tax. Mr. Bush said that repealing the tax could aid tens, even dozens of Americans.

A tour of devastated estates planned
President Bush plans to visit Bridgehampton, NY, Aspen, CO and Rancho Santa Fe, CA later this week, where he will tour the mansions of some of the Americans hardest hit by the tax. Aides to the President say that he will first survey the properties from the air in an effort to assess the impact of the estate tax on landscaping, pool maintenance and fleets of cars.

The death tax earns its name
While the surcharge on wealth is formally know as the “estate tax,” over time it has come to be known as the “death tax” due to its devastating impact on the nation’s wealthy. “These are people who have been forced to choose between unbelievably expensive works of art and other unbelievably expensive works of art,” explained one source close to the White House. “In the President’s view, no one should have to do without the necessities of life.”

A point man appointed
In a sign of just how serious Mr. Bush is about helping victims of the tax, he has tapped former FEMA head Michael Brown to liaise with those most in need of help: the wealthiest 2% of Americans. Mr. Brown, known as “Brownie,” will join Mr. Bush on the tour of mansions and other properties upon which the estate tax has rained down wrath. “He’s the right person for the job,” said one source close to Mr. Brown. “He feels the pain of these people and he wants to make sure that they get what they need ASAP.”

On the ground, fois gras and veuve clicquot
Air Force One will be accompanied by cargo planes loaded with emergency supplies for the mansion occupants. On its way: individual servings of fois gras, chilled veuve clicquot with champagne flutes and an allotment of truffles for residents who have gone without them for as many as two days.

From Arabian horses to the horsey set
Mr. Brown’s admirers say that the former rules enforcer of the Arabian horse association should do  well in his new position as the Arabian horse is popular among the wealthiest Americans. Experts say that Mr. Brown will also encounter some similarities between the horses he once oversaw and their owners to whose rescue he will soon be coming. Both are prized for their gleaming coats and endurance but have suffered mentally as a result of generations of inbreeding.

Has the Bush Administration done enough to ease the suffering of the wealthiest Americans? Talk back to Deanna Swift.

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Broke White House Rushes to File for Bankruptcy

The White House is rushing to have its debts erased, just weeks before the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act is scheduled to go into effect. By filing now, the Bush Administration avoids the law's tough new penalties, including mandatory repayment and court-ordered financial counseling. Sources close to the White House say that the Administration began having trouble paying its bills after the President burned through most of his political capital. 

Political capital borrowed at interest rates of 18%

By Deanna Swift 

President's Remarks view

WASHINGTON, DC—The White House is officially bankrupt. That’s what advisors to the President are saying after the Bush Administration moved to have its debts erased, just weeks before a tough new bankruptcy law goes into effect. By filing now, the White House can climb out from under its unpaid debts and declare a fresh start under chapter 7 of the bankruptcy code.

Avoiding a strict new law
That’s good news for the Bush Administration, say financial advisors. If the White House had waited until October 1st to declare bankruptcy, much tougher standards would have applied, thanks to the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act signed into law by President Bush last April.

White House above the median income
Under the new law, debtors who earn more than the median income in their state and can repay at least $6000 of their debt over five years will no longer be able to have their debts wiped out. With the median income in Washington, DC slightly more than $46,000, the White House obviously falls into that category, say experts. Under the new provisions, the Bush Administration would also be forced to enroll in a court-supervised financial-counseling program, something advisors say that the President wants to avoid. "He obviously doesn't want somebody telling him how much he can spend or telling him that he's got to live within his means," says one source close to the White House.

White House 'living near the edge'
Sources close to the White House say that the Administration began having trouble paying its bills after Mr. Bush started spending the political capital he believed he had earned in his contest with Democratic contender John Kerry. Feeling flush with cash, say experts, Mr. Bush began to display a behavior typical of many bankrupt Americans: he lived beyond his means. He even began risking his retirement savings on risky get-rich-quick schemes. Describes one onlooker: "The phone was ringing at the White House all day and all night as collection agents called wanting to know when they were going to get their money. It was a very tense situation."   

Second thoughts about a bill
Mr. Bush was reportedly very excited about the changes in the bankruptcy bill until he realized that some of the tough new penalties would likely to apply to him. Now, say sources close to the White House, he is particularly concerned about the law's language concerning serial filers--people who have filed for bankruptcy on more than one occasion. "Frankly, he's had some financial problems in the past and he's always had other people who were willing and able to bail him out. Now the new law says that it's not up to society to pay his debts."

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Losing the White House
If he declares bankruptcy within the next few weeks, say experts, Mr. Bush's assets will be liquidated and given to creditors, while many of his remaining debts will be cancelled, giving him a fresh start. If he waits until the new law goes into effect, Mr. Bush will likely lose whatever equity he has in the White House. The new law says that in order to qualify for a homestead exemption, a bankruptcy filer must live in the home for a majority of the time. Since Mr. Bush has spent much of his Presidency at his second home in Crawford, TX, say observers, he would likely fail to meet that standard.

Do you think that President Bush should consider attending a money management class? Talk back to Deanna Swift.

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Poll: Most Blame Cindy Sheehan for High Gas Prices

According to a recent poll, most Americans place the blame for skyrocketing prices at the pump squarely at the feet of anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan. The poll found that Americans were more likely to blame Mrs. Sheehan for their gasoline woes than they were illegal aliens, homosexuals, child molesters or Democrats.   

Prices said to be highest within 100 mile radius of Mrs. Sheehan's protest

By Deanna Swift

WACO, TX—Prices at the gas pump have been surging through the all important summer driving season. But whose fault is it that our Ford Excursions and Cadillac Escalades are so expensive to fill? A new poll may finally have the answer to a question that has so many Americans pumping mad. [Click thumbnail right to view the "Sheehan effect".]

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The results of the poll confirm that most Americans place the blame for skyrocketing prices at the pump squarely at the feet of anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan. Energy analysts say that the poll's conclusions aren't surprising. Since Mrs. Sheehan began her protest against the Iraq war near the ranch of President George W. Bush, oil prices have shot up nearly $10 a barrel.

Pumping mad at protest mom
According to the poll of 2,130 driving-age adults, conducted by Polltronics, Inc., 73% of Americans say that they think Cindy Sheehan is to blame for surging gas prices at the pump. Of that number, 31% said that Mrs. Sheehan bears all of the responsibility for the rising cost of gas, 26% said that the protesting mom deserves some of the blame and 18% said that she is partly responsible for sky-high gas prices. The remaining 25% believed that Mrs. Sheehan is to blame, but not for the high price of gasoline.

Who is to blame?
Pollsters then asked respondents to rank various individuals and groups according to the degree of blame they deserve for the recent surge in fuel costs. The list, read to participants in randomized order, included Mrs. Sheehan as well as illegal aliens, homosexuals, child molesters and Democrats. In each case, respondents said that they were more likely to blame Mrs. Sheehan for their woes at the pump than they were any of the other categories. Besides the protesting mom, illegal aliens and homosexuals were most likely to be fingered for the high cost of gasoline.

Prices 'through the roof' in Crawford
Drivers near Crawford, TX say that gas prices have shot up in the weeks since Mrs. Sheehan set up camp near the ranch where President George W. Bush is spending his 5 week vacation. According to Texasgasprices.com, a gallon of gas at one Chevron station in Waco is now $2.69. That's just 18 miles from where Mrs. Sheehan has been presiding over her anti-war protest for the past three weeks.

What would Cindy pay?
Although Cindy Sheehan may be the cause of soaring gasoline costs, she is not immune from feeling a pinch at the pump. The protesting mom is said to drive a vehicle notorious for its fuel inefficiency: the new Hummer H3, a super-size SUV that gets just 20 miles per gallon on the highway. The pink H3 was reportedly donated to Mrs. Sheehan by the activist group Code Pink, while her gas bill is paid by the notorious anti-bush philanthropist George Soros.   

How this Polltronics poll was conducted
Samples for Polltronics polls are random digit samples of telephone numbers selected using the "probability proportionate to size" method, which means numbers from across the country are selected in proportion to the number of voters in each state.

A computer selects the first eight digits of an actual working number and then appends a two-digit random number to produce a random-digit dial (RDD) sample. An RDD sample allows for contacting not only listed and unlisted numbers, but also households with new numbers.

In order to ensure a distribution of ages and genders within households, the interviewer selects the respondent by asking to speak to the adult with the next birthday. Quotas are applied to ensure the sample mirrors the proportions of voters nationally. Specifically, the aim is for a gender split nationwide of 53% female / 47% male, as well as regional quotas.

The RDD selected phone numbers are sent to the interviewers through computer-assisted telephone interviewing (CATI) software. Both the software and human supervisors monitor each step of the interviewing process. While calls are automatically dialed, the system does not use predictive dialing so prospective respondents always find a live interviewer when they answer their phone.

How much has Cindy Sheehan caused the price of gas to rise in your area? Talk back to deannaswift1@yahoo.com.

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50 Cent Leaves 'Live 8' Over Trade Policy Dispute

Rapper 50 Cent, scheduled to perform in Philadelphia as part of a worldwide concert aimed at highlighting global poverty, has pulled out of the show as a result of a dispute with event organizers over trade policy. Sources close to Mr. Cent say that he is unhappy with the event's anti-globalization tone and wants to work more closely with the world's powerbrokers known as the G8, no relation to Mr. Cent's own G Unit.

The author of "Power of the Dollar" expresses concern about the dollar's slide

By Russell D'Arby

LONDON-- Rapper 50 Cent, scheduled to perform in Philadelphia as part of Live 8, a worldwide concert aimed at highlighting global poverty, has pulled out of the July 2 show, citing a dispute over trade policy. Sources close to Mr. Cent say that he is unhappy with the event's anti-globalization tone and with organizer Sir Bob Geldof's hostility to the World Trade Organization, the international body that referees the rules of trade between nations.

Get rich or die tryin'
The multi-platinum artist officially blamed scheduling conflicts in his decision not to perform in Philadelphia; Mr. Cent is currently shooting an autobiographical film based on his experiences growing up in an ownership society, entitled "Get Rich or Die Tryin". The Philadelphia show, one of 8 concerts being held from Canada to South Africa next weekend, is expected to attract as many as 2 billion viewers.

Mr. Cent has been replaced in the Philadelphia lineup by artist, producer and noted critic of corporate globalization, P. Diddy.

Conflicting world views
Sources close to the rapper say that despite his initial excitement about the project, Mr. Cent's enthusiasm began to wane in recent week as Live 8 organizers, most notably former Boomtown Rat Sir Bob Geldof, began to make increasingly radical statements about global capitalism. Sir Geldof has called for a million protestors to travel from the Live 8 concert in London to Edinburgh, Scotland, site of a summit of the world's most powerful countries, known as the G8. The G8 has no connection to Mr. Cent's own G Unit. 

Fears of a 'massacre'
Mr. Cent is said to have expressed concerns that a march of that size could endanger participants and local residents, and lead to the type of violence between protestors and police witnessed at anti-globalization protests in Seattle and Genoa. But it is the tone of the dialogue that is said to have caused Mr. Cent the greatest concern. In a statement released by his publicist last week, Mr. Cent all but ignored the Live 8 organizers, reaching out instead to the G8 member countries:

"50 Cent applauds the recent decision of the G8 to cancel the debt of some of the world's poorest nations. He extends his best wishes to participants in the Gleneagle's G8 summit and looks forward to the further implementation of the Africa Action Plan."

The Lexus and the Olive Tree
Mr. Cent's outspoken defense of the World Trade Organization makes him a rarity among rappers today. He was one of the few rap artists to back the candidacy of Carlos Perez del Castillo of Uruguay for the top job at the WTO. Rap artists including P. Diddy, Jadakiss and Fat Joe threw their support behind del Castillo's opponent, Pascal Lamy of France, a supporter of so-called "controlled globalization," an idea that Mr. Cent and others dismiss as nothing more than Western protectionism.

Sources close to Mr. Cent attribute his willingness to break with his posse on issues of global trade to the rap star's trademark brash swagger and to a book that he read during his lengthy recuperation from 9 gunshot wounds in 2000: Thomas Friedman's 1999 volume, "The Lexus and the Olive Tree." "Those were dark days for 50," says a friend of the rapper. "That book really opened his eyes and convinced him that there isn't a country out there that has upgraded its living or worker standards without free trade and integration."

Do you think 50 Cent did the right thing by pulling out of the Live 8 concert? Talk back to Russell D'Arby.

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This Summer's Hottest Show: Bush's 'Social Security—On the Verge of Collapse-a-pa-loo-za' Tour

This season's must see concert event isn't the Rolling Stones but President Bush's 'Social Security—On the Verge of Collapse-a-pa-loo-za' tour, otherwise known as the Summer of Fear 2005. In this Swift Report exclusive, we grab a pair of much coveted tix and go behind the scenes with the stars, do a bit of crowd surfing and score some hard-to-get Collapse-a-pa-looza swag. 

Summer of Fear 2005: Westchester, Bridgehampton, Naples, Lake Forest, Aspen, Taos, Malibu

By Deanna Swift and Todd Fox

Well, the big day is finally here! Todd and I have scored front row tix to this season's must-see concert event: Social Security—On the Verge of Collapse-a-pa-loo-za, AKA the Summer of Fear tour starring President George W. Bush. (Todd, I'm not even going to ask what you had to do to get your hands on those tickets…) Now we just have to sign a loyalty oath—never a problem for us here at the Swift Report—and we're in!

The key to any great concert is a stand-out warm-up act and today we couldn't ask for more. Chris Cox, President Bush's nominee for the Securities Exchange Commission, is in the house and he rocks! Cox is our second favorite Caly Congressman (Dana Rohrabacher gets our top spot, natch). More importantly CCC shares Swift's passion for Ayn Rand and all things objectivist. Sadly for us, the John Galt of the SEC sports a ring on his finger, leaving us no choice but to look for love on this Ayn Rand fan dating site.

The drug of choice at a Summer of Fear event isn't E, K or BC bud. Everyone in this crowd is snorting O—that's oxytocin, a hormone that primes users to hand over their money to perfect strangers.  A couple of quick hits off of the nasal spray pump and Todd can't wait to make new friends and show them his wallet. "I feel so full of love," Todd says, handing a $20 to a handsome Brooks Brothers-clad man. "I want to share my private account with him."

We're still waiting for the main attraction, Mr. Ownership Society himself, but buzzed on O and still jazzed from seeing Congressman Cox we're content to engage in a little people watching. Todd spots Grover Norquist and heads right over to get reacquainted while I go in search of the Bush twins to find out why think Social Security needs to be strengthened and modernized. "They just like think that the system could use a makeover," a source close to the twins told me. "It's like 70 years old or something and that is so ancient."

By the time the reformer-in-chief finally makes it out onto the stage, the crowd is going wild. As you would expect, most of the people who've turned out for Collapse-a-pa-looza are kids, eager to begin preparing for their retirement. And while the Prez is the big draw here, there's lots to do besides learning about how to pass on an asset base if we pre-decease. One hot spot: the tattoo tent where reform-sters can make their support for private accounts permanent.

POTUS has just come out for his final encore and we're spent! But no summer concert would be complete without a trip to the swag table. We're tempted by everything: the Summer of Fear tour bumpersticker, the Collapse-a-pa-loo-za baseball shirt, not to mention the private accounts coozie. But between my new tattoo and Todd's now empty wallet (the effects of oxytocin last for up to 4 hours) we'll have to wait for the next tour date: Aspen, CO.

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Wolfowitz: World Bank Must Introduce Free Checking, Online Bill Payment

Paul Wolfowitz, President Bush's choice to head up the World Bank, has wasted no time in laying out an ambitious agenda to remake the world's largest source of aid to developing countries. In order to effectively compete in an increasingly cut-throat lending market, says Wolfowitz, the World Bank must offer free checking and online bill payment. Some financial analysts say that the move could be risky, given the developing world's notorious suspicion of banks.

Wolfowitz must persuade natives to move savings from socks and mattresses to World Bank checking accounts

By Cole Walters, staff reporter

Washington, DC – Paul Wolfowitz, President Bush's choice to head up the world's largest source of aid to developing countries, is wasting no time in proposing an ambitious agenda to shake up the formerly staid World Bank. Mr. Wolfowitz announced yesterday that in order to compete effectively in an increasingly cut-throat lending market, the World Bank must offer free checking and other incentives, including online bill payment and free gifts for customers who agree to open World Bank checking accounts.

But many financial analysts were quick to criticize the move, noting that it may be difficult for the World Bank to win over new customers, given its enduring reputation as a global loan shark. Another challenge: the 61-year-old Mr. Wolfowitz must persuade potential customers in the developing world to abandon their long-held distrust of banks.

Coming to a neighborhood near you
For members of the World Bank's 10,000-member staff and influential governing board, made up of representatives of 184 nations, word of Mr. Wolfowitz's plans to remake the institution is providing yet another reason to grouse. While their boss-to-be is widely derided as a political hawk, he is also likely to put his unique stamp on their employment futures.

As the World Bank shifts many of its operations online, up to half of its loan officers, customer service representatives and tellers could lose their jobs, or be shifted to one of dozens of new "one-stop-shopping" outlets being planned across the globe. According to a spokesman who is facilitating Mr. Wolfowitz's transition into the bank's top job, the first outlets in Peshawar, Pakistan; Lagos, Nigeria; and Philadelphia could open as early as this summer.

"We want to send a message to poor people around the globe that 'we are your bank,'" announced Bank spokesman Christian R. DeLucre. "Now they can enjoy all of the convenience of online bill payment and unlimited check writing, with no obligation to maintain a minimum balance."

Thanks, but no banks
But the bold move has already come under fire from residents of the same communities that the World Bank is purporting to help. In Peshawar, a representative of the conservative Islamic party Jamiat Ulema Islam immediately condemned the initiative, noting that Koranic law expressly forbids interest-bearing transactions, a category that the Bank's proposed interest-bearing checking accounts would certainly fall into.

In the United States, public officials in Philadelphia expressed bafflement that their city has been selected to house one of the World Bank's new 'convenience banking centers.' "Sure we've had our problems in the past and we're experiencing some budgetary contractions now. What American city isn't?" said city spokeswoman Marlene Nicolo, "But we've got plenty of banks here already. As far as we're concerned they can keep their business out of our city."

'Break the bank'
For critics of Wolfowitz—and the World Bank—news of his plans is seen as evidence that the institution could soon play an even more nefarious role than it has in the past. Activists from the group 'Break the Bank' are planning to release a statement to on-line independent media centers around the world this week, charging that what Mr. Wolfowitz is calling 'free checking' is really nothing of the sort.

"They call it free checking, but if you read the fine print, the fines for bounced checks are horrendous," said one activist who asked not to be identified. "In some parts of the world, a bounced check is just an inconvenience, but for the folks the Bank pretends it's helping, paying these fines could mean going without food for six months."

Free gift—your choice
Despite opposition from within and outside of the institution he'll soon head up, there are no signs that Mr. Wolfowitz plans to back away from his ambitious agenda. Next week, the new president's transition team will ink a deal with a Chinese manufacturer for the production of hundreds of thousands of t-shirts, key chains and insulated cup holders known as 'koozies.' The products will feature the image of a smiling globe and a new slogan: 'A Bank for the World.'

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FBI to Outsource Agents to India, China

Under pressure to produce more actionable intelligence, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has announced that it plans to layoff many of its agents and outsource their positions to countries including India, China and Vietnam. The move will enable the FBI to hire three times as many agents at a fraction of the wage that they would earn in the US.

Unemployed agents retraining for service sector jobs

By Cole Walters, staff reporter

WASHINGTON, DC—Last year Chad H. found what he thought was his dream job. The FBI cyber agent couldn’t have been happier with his work, a combination of high-tech intrigue, heart-pumping excitement and plenty of surveillance of teens downloading music files from the internet and other individuals allegedly violating copyright laws.

But last week Chad and hundreds of other FBI agents got the word that they were being laid off. Like thousands of other US employers, the FBI has discovered that firing employees here and outsourcing their positions to countries with lower wages and more relaxed labor standards can generate huge savings. “I’m disappointed. I won’t deny that,” Chad said. “But that seems to be the way that the economy works these days. First it was manufacturing jobs, then high tech, now special agents.”

Same spooks—half the cost
For fiscal year 2006, the FBI submitted a budget request totaling 31,475 positions (including 12,140 agents and 2,745 Intelligence Analysts) and $5.7 billion. The agency hasn’t yet said what percentage of those positions it proposes to outsource overseas, nor has it detailed how the jobs will be divided among the four main countries to which the jobs will be outsourced: India, Pakistan, China and Vietnam.

By laying off agents here and replacing them with workers in other countries, the FBI could save billions of dollars. Currently, special agents enter service as GS 10 employees on the government pay scale and can advance to the GS 13 grade level in field non-supervisory assignments. All special agents qualify for availability pay, which is an additional premium compensation for unscheduled duty equaling 25 percent of the agent's base salary.

Whose side are they on?
But not everyone thinks that replacing thousands of US born special agents with foreign nationals from India, Pakistan, China, and Vietnam is a great idea, despite the fact that the move will generate significant cost savings and enable the FBI to compete on a global stage. Some opponents question, for example, whether agents from other countries would feel the same compunction to uphold the major FBI priorities, including protecting the US from terrorism, fighting white collar crime and enforcing corruption?

“What about when we go to war with China and all of our special agents are Chinese?” says intelligence expert Charles G. Faherty, author of Red Star Rising: Up Against the Great Wall. “That could be a real problem.”

From Special Agent to Sales Associate
For former cyber agent Chad H., however, the possibility of war with China—and being sold-out by his Chinese replacement—is the last thing on his mind. He’s more concerned these days with earning a living. While he has more than a decade of experience in the computer industry, most of those jobs, like the special agent positions, have been shipped overseas.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t qualify for retraining through the federal Trade Adjustment Assistance Program (TAA/NAFTA), a program that benefits employees of companies that have been adversely affected by foreign competition but doesn’t apply to government agencies. 

For now, says Chad, he’s taking things one day at a time. “It seems like almost every job these days you need to be able to use a computer terminal: cashier, pizza delivery. I’ve got a lot of skills. Hopefully I’ll be able to put them to use again soon.

If you are a resident of India, Pakistan, China or Vietnam and are interested in applying for a job with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, visit their website and apply today! https://www.fbijobs.com/

White House Hopes 'Pip-Squeak' Can Help Peddle Social Security Privatization

Tired of being pounced on by 'silverbacks,' the White House is turning to an unlikely spokesman to pitch its Social Security plan: a 9-year-old from Houston, TX, named Noah McCullough. The Bush administration hopes that Noah will have better luck selling its plan than grown-up Republicans have had.

A bright boy, but can he pass the Swift Report Social Security Quizzle™?

By Deanna Swift

KATY, TX—Tired of being shouted down by 'silverbacks' at every turn, the Bush administration is hoping that a youngster can do what grown-ups in the GOP have failed to do so far: convince Americans to partially privatize the government-run retirement program. Nine-year-old Noah McCullough, a 4th grader at Williams Elementary School here in Katy, will join the president's Social Security road show in March, as soon as his school lets out for spring break.

This is far from Noah's first foray into presidential politics. He campaigned for President Bush in the recent election, attended the inauguration, and even penned a guest column about the inaugural parade for his hometown newspaper, the Katy Sun. "The 55th Inaugural Parade was delayed but well worth the wait," wrote Noah, noting that his favorite personages—other than the president, of course—were Trent Lott and Tom DeLay. "They are both incredible leaders and who put a lot of time organizing each detail of the inauguration to make sure that it was festive and amazing."

The smartest boy in the world?
Noah has already made 5 trips to the Tonight Show, to show off his veritable storehouse of knowledge about presidential history. This summer, he bested Howard Dean in a trivia face off at the Democratic National Convention. The 'littlest Republican' and the former Vermont governor went head to head, answering such questions as 'who was president when the United States acquired Hawaii? Answer: William McKinley. But after Noah correctly identified the first secretary of state (Jefferson), and Dean misidentified the first president to travel outside the country (it was Theodore Roosevelt, not James Madison), the verdict was in: Dean had lost again.

Gen Z vs. the 'Silverbacks'
As part of an all-out battle to sell President Bush's Social Security plan to the people, Noah will travel to several states, appear on local radio programs, answer trivia questions and make some remarks about the popular retirement program. "What I want to tell people about Social Security is to not be afraid of the new plan," Noah told the New York Times. "It may be change, but it's a good change." He also said that he fears that the program could be bankrupt by the time he runs for the presidency in 2032.

Bush administration officials are hoping that the nine-year-old has more luck pitching the program to the people than grown-up emissaries of the GOP have had so far. In recent weeks, luminaries including Rick Santorum have been shouted down by aggressive 'silverbacks,' also known as AARP members. The angry seniors have packed town-hall sessions, peppering their politicians with hard questions about the future of Social Security.

No kidding
Deputizing the 4th grader as a volunteer spokesman for private retirement accounts is just one part of a multi-pronged GOP strategy to sell the privatization program. Earlier this week, USA Next, an advocacy group that bills itself as a conservative alternative to the AARP, went on the offensive against the retiree group which it maintains supports gay marriage and opposes the troops.

USA Next is now collecting the opinions of seniors who are "tired of AARP's liberal games." Wrote one fed up senior: "They recently sent a petition asking for my wife and I to sign to fight against the President's Social Security plan. I replied with a letter accusing them of being a Socialistic outfit."

Deanna Swift can be reached at deannaswift1@yahoo.com.

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Christian Groups Move to Block Procter & Gamble Merger

A coalition of Christian groups is calling on the Department of Justice to block the proposed merger between Procter & Gamble and razor giant Gillette because of P&G's ties to the Church of Satan. If the corporate marriage is approved, the new corporation will be the largest in the world to be controlled by Satan worshippers.

$57 billion question: what percentage of the new company's profits will be donated to the Church of Satan?

By Deanna Swift

CINCINNATI, OH—Just days after household products giant Procter & Gamble announced that it would be swallowing razor giant Gillette Co., a coalition of Christian groups is warning that the corporate marriage would create the largest company in the world to be controlled by Satan worshippers.

The groups, which include the Campaign for Families, Defend Our Marriages and the Coalition for Traditional Values, are asking the Department of Justice to block the merger on the grounds that it will give an unfair advantage to Satan in the battle of good vs. evil. The American Family Association submitted its own complaint, objecting to Procter's support for what it calls "the homosexual agenda."

News of the proposed mega-merger sent stocks of the two companies up sharply Friday, but many questions remain. What will the new entity be called? How many jobs will be cut as Gillette and Procter combine operations? And what percentage of the new company's profits will go to the Church of Satan?

Trademark of the beast
While the Gillette Co. has no known ties to the Church of Satan, Procter's relationship to the devil dates back decades. During the 1960's, Christians who looked closely at the corporate logo, a moon-star symbol that had appeared on many of the company's products since 1882, saw not 13 stars representing the 13 original colonies as the company insisted, but something altogether different: the Mark of the Beast. The arrangement of stars, noted these witnesses, secretly spelled out the numbers '666,' immediately recognizable to students of the Bible as the digits of the devil.

While Procter dropped its satanic logo in 1985, there's no word yet on what logo the merged companies will use, and whether the new image will incorporate the mark of the beast. Analysts note that in recent years, Procter has worked to update what has long been a staid image, and is thus unlikely to reuse the satanic logo from its past.

Our next guest: Satan
Procter took its relationship with the devil public in 1994, when then CEO Durk Jager allegedly appeared on the Phil Donahue and "came out" as a Satanist, acknowledging that a large portion of P&G's profits goes to support the Church of Satan. Jager proclaimed that he felt comfortable disclosing Procter's ties to the Church of Satan because of the openness of American culture.

When a visibly startled Donahue asked Jager if he wasn't worried that his company's close ties to Satan might weaken Procter's market share among Christians, Jager was quick to respond: "There aren't enough Christians to make a difference."

Jager later allegedly appeared on the popular Sally Jesse Raphael show, where he again announced that Procter was controlled by Satan worshippers.

Shop with the devil
The proposed merger will create a global powerhouse, marketing everything from deodorant to dog food. Analysts say that the marriage of P&G with its non-Satanic competitor is necessary if the companies are to fare successfully in a retail era dominated by Wal-Mart.

While Wal-Mart has no known ties to the Church of Satan, many Christians have warned that the retail giant's introduction of radio frequency identification devices to monitor supply and demand of its products could portend the arrival of the economic system that the Antichrist is expected to implement. According to Revelations 13:16, everyone living under the Antichrist's economic system will be required to receive an implant in his or her right hand or forehead.

The Rapture Ready index, a prophetic speedometer of end-time activity, experienced a slight drop in its Mark of the Beast category upon news that Wal-Mart's implementation of the radio tags had run into problems.

Deanna Swift can be reached at deannaswift1@yahoo.com

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