June 14, 2006
Most Massachusetts Marriages on Verge of Collapse
It has been just over two years since a tribunal of black-robed Massachusetts judges set out to undermine traditional marriage. Now say a growing number of experts, most marriages in that state are teetering on the verge of collapse. It is predicted that by 2013, the majority of adults in Massachusetts will be 'hooking up with' or married to at least one same-sex partner.
More couples 'exploring what's out there'
BOSTON—Retired teachers Bob and Debbie Mastrantonio had planned to celebrate 40 years of wedded bliss this summer, welcoming friends and family to their suburban Boston home for hot dogs, ice cream and a tribute to that all-American institution: marriage. Instead, the party's off, and so is the marriage. Like an estimated 92% of married couples in Massachusetts these days, Bob and Debbie are headed to divorce court.
From man and wife to 'man hunt'
The trouble started two years ago, recalls the couple's son Tom "Tiger" Mastrantonio, just weeks after a fiat of black-robed judges in the Commonwealth handed down their infamous decision legalizing homosexual marriage, effectively undermining Bob and Debbie's union, along with hundreds of thousands of other traditional Massachusetts families. "Overnight my dad just turned into a different guy," says Mr. Mastrantonio. "He kept saying he wanted to 'get out there' and 'explore other options.'" What initially seemed like a new hobby reached a crisis point last fall when an uncle encountered Bob's profile on a popular gay dating site: manhunt.net.
Meet your new polyamorous mom
Meanwhile Debbie's devastation over the collapse of her traditional marriage led her to seek relief and companionship in the arms of another woman: former high-school classmate and long-time public school teacher Juliet Kolodny. The couple recently invited a third woman to join their polyamorous union and hope to make the love trio official sometime next fall. "I never knew this kind of situation was even an option," says Debbie Mastrantonio. "It's basically anything goes these days."
Marriages collapse en mass
Experts say that the collapse of Bob and Debbie's marriage is far from unique. More than half of all Massachusetts marriages have ended since the Supreme Judicial Court launched its assault on morality in 2002. By 2013, it is predicted that the majority of adults in the Commonwealth will have abandoned traditional unions in favor of homosexual marriage, polygamous pairings, relationships with dogs, cats or other house pets, or incestuous love matches with their own brothers and sisters.
Gay levees breached
While there are still a handful of heterosexual Bay State couples that continue to try to buck the cultural tide despite the collapse of the gay levees around them, even they show signs of weakening. Organizers of the recent Boston Pride events report record attendance at this year's parade and festival by married couples who describe themselves as "bi-curious."
Bi-curious and curiouser
Boston resident Linda Haynes is part of one such curious couple. Mrs. Haynes notes that while a typical June Saturday would have found her playing with her kids in the yard of her suburban home, she and husband Doug opted instead to march in the gay pride parade. "There's a whole world out there to explore," says Mrs. Haynes. "So we said 'let's hire a sitter and get out there.'"
The couple has no plans to divorce, says Mrs. Haynes, but they are keeping their options open. This weekend they plan to post a joint profile on bicupid.net, a virtual meeting site for bisexual and bicurious friends, couples and singles. "We haven't decided whether it's going to be another man or a woman," says Mrs. Haynes. "But we're definitely ready to expand our marriage."
Have gay unions in Massachusetts caused your marriage to deteriorate? Talk back to Russell D'Arby at firstname.lastname@example.org.
June 14, 2006 | Permalink
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Tracked on Jun 14, 2006 7:33:59 PM
this explains everything.
As a former Mass resident I have been wondering why I now seem to get more enjoyment from feeling my own ass than my girlfriend's ass. She has a great ass, butt, ass I recently discovered, my own ass is phenominal. All these wasted years!
My girlfriend is imploring those mASS judges to stop fondling themselves long enough to recind their cruel judgements and for the love of God (and her ass) please be kind and jail all them homersexurals.
P.S. I'm joining the new Jim Taggert Crystal Cathedral Reform School and Massage Center.
Posted by: Keith | Feb 23, 2007 5:50:31 PM
It is impossible to predict any potential Earthly event to occur in 2013 when the world will surely end in hell fire and damnation in 2012. If anything, Mr. D'Arby needs to revise this report with this information. If he has any trouble, he needs to give Rev. Falwell, or another high-profile, wealthy and politically connected Evangelical preacher with a pipeline to the Messiah (a.k.a., George W. Bush) to get their fact-free information straight in the eyes of their pseudo-god (who might be Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, or Malech).
Mr. D'Arby also missed one item, which suggests that when traditionally married American couples physically (and literally) cleave together, it should only be for procreation purposes, in the missionary position and with the lights off as a way to ward off temptation to go the way of those marrying gays.
All anyone can say is, "Prepare for Judgement Day," which is scheduled to take place on New Year's eve 2013 at exactly 11:59:50 EST. Don't plan any parties, because this planet won't exist by then, thanks to all those heathens in Satan's service that homo-fied America's entire (non-saved) heterosexual population...
According to Jerry Falwell.
Posted by: Treva | Jun 20, 2006 1:03:19 AM
The best satire is nearly indistinguishable from the commentary it lampoons. Case in point, Stephen Colbert.
Posted by: Albatross | Jun 16, 2006 12:09:00 PM
"abandoned traditional unions in favor of homosexual marriage, polygamous pairings, relationships with dogs, cats or other house pets,"
Jeez, people. Read more closely. I was a bit annoyed at the article at first, but that line tipped me off. Satire, people.
Posted by: Ruzkin | Jun 15, 2006 6:02:24 AM
Posted by: BGI | Jun 14, 2006 2:34:19 PM
How does a word become homosexual? Or is this a part of the "Homosexual Agenda" that I just missed? I guess I'll just have to turn in my "gay" card because I am not up to date on the latest gay language.
Thank you for the list, now I can find me a nice woman and start us a family.
I also like the fact that I can take a DNA test to find out if I'm gay or not. Shoot all this time I thought having sex with men was a pretty good indication that I was.
Posted by: Jeff | Jun 14, 2006 11:30:36 AM
It's hard to believe anyone took this seriously. . . Even if it weren't such an obvious joke, it's too over-the-top to stop from laughing.
I expect to see this artical posted on the American Family Association website by the end of the day. It provides as much hard evidence of the dangers of Same Sex Marriage as any other artical no their site!
Posted by: Jeff | Jun 14, 2006 11:18:51 AM
Folks, it's a joke. This whole website is. It's like the Onion.
Geez, people get so worked up even over parody!
Posted by: bornagain2 | Jun 14, 2006 10:44:47 AM
Wonderful satire. Too bad so many people have the blinders on that didn't get it. ROFLOL!
Posted by: Mark | Jun 14, 2006 10:41:29 AM
Haha...that's what happens when you read things out of context. I didn't even realize this was satire! LOL
I just get so heated about the issue!
Posted by: Ethan | Jun 14, 2006 10:14:06 AM
Sheesh, looks like I'm the only liberal with a sense of humor. I thought this was hilarious. Ya'll gotta stop being so uptight. Golly.
Posted by: joe | Jun 14, 2006 10:14:01 AM
Umm... I hope y'all are kidding. This is clearly a satire. Look at the other articles in this blog...
Posted by: Daniel | Jun 14, 2006 10:06:32 AM
I know to disagree with a Christian or a conservative is a lost cause and a waste of time, so I'm going to try to be as diplomatic and succint as possible.
You're saying that the legalization of homosexual marriage is ruining traditional marriage. Your example of Bob & Debbie is mute because if two people love each other and are actually straight, they wouldn't care if things changed because it doesn't affect their marriage. The obvious problem is that, because of people like you, Bob & Debbie had no other option, socially or psychological, because they were told "This is the way it is". So they got married and just stayed together, because 'that's what you do'. But now the big secret comes out, because Bob and Debbie are gay, or at least bi. They realize they don't have to deny it now...because it's more accepted. So they get divorced. The legalization of gay marriage isn't the threat to traditional marriage, the past 2,000 years of social conditioning which forces people to deny who they are to keep others happy...that is what has gotten people in positions they never really wanted to be in. Watch...once gay marriage is legalized...you'll see a decline in traditional divorces because gay people won't have to pretend to be straight and get married.
Posted by: Ethan | Jun 14, 2006 8:53:10 AM
This article is a load. The people involved in the story were already unhappy in their lives- and seemingly trapped in straight lives. I would think eventually, stories like this would no longer ring true- since people would be "allowed" to wed the person of the gender they were most attracted to in the first place- rather than have decades of "let's pretend."
Posted by: DivaJean | Jun 14, 2006 8:49:36 AM
This is ridiculous tripe. The argument seems to be that since the cultural demands for a traditional marriage are falling by the wayside - according to this article, because of the legalization of gay marriage in MA rather than the myriad other factors that contribute to family dissintegration (financial woes, spousal abuse, alcoholism, poor communication) -people of both sexes are now all streaming into the arms of newfound gay partners because the idea of "something else out there" has all of a sudden changed their sexual orientation. 2 problems with this argument: (1) the people who were in these relationships were living a lie in the first place and ended up being trapped in their marriages if they are now feeling the freedom to explore other angles of their sexual identity, and (2) what's wrong with pursuing happiness if, indeed, the first scenario is true?! Obviously the bigger problem is that the forcing of traditional marriage on people who would otherwise have chosen a different sexual path locks people into unhappy, and unstable relationships that are founded on dishonesty rather than allowing them to pursue an option that may very well lead to a stable, loving, and fruitful union. Trying to link divorce rates in MA to the legalization of gay marriage is no different than saying crop failure is an indication of witchcraft. What century are we living in?
Posted by: Michael | Jun 14, 2006 8:28:22 AM
This is utter crap. Those pictures are falsely labeled and untrue.
Posted by: Sal | Jun 14, 2006 8:06:34 AM
OK so your poll? I am going to give you the actual definitions of those words just because a word has the letters a-s-s in a row doesn't make it gay. You folk are just too stupid to know the actual definitions of the words. You are obviously too stupid to use a dictionary also.
For your information (not that you care but at least maybe you will learn something)
ouvert - carnival
enclitic - to add to a word
spheterize - to own
rubasse - a red quartz
mansuetude - gentle
Now I don't know which of those offends you most.
But how about this? You are all physcho fundie assholes and I hope ALL your children grow up to be gay so when you disown them you can die old alone and bitter.
Posted by: punkgrrrl | Jun 14, 2006 7:50:50 AM
You really want me to believe that legalizing gay marriage has anything to do with couples divorcing or not taking their marriage vows seriously? Please...the divorce rate has been hovering at 50-60% for many years now,long before gay marriage was ever a consideration. So called traditional marriages aren't failing because of gay marriage, they're failing because people aren't willing to put in the time, effort and sacrifice that it takes to stay in a relationship and make the marriage work. Put the balme where it really belongs and stop trying to pass the buck.
Posted by: Clover | Jun 14, 2006 7:49:44 AM
Are you kidding me? Who are these "experts"? Where is the evidence to back up the claims found in this article? Is a solitary case study the only source used to support the accusations made by this author? I'm appauled by this inflammatory writing! It is my hope that your readers are more intelligent than the author. I hope they are are able to see through this propaganda as being a prejudiced attempt to elicit an emotional reaction, rather than an intellectual analysis based on evidence.
Posted by: Tessa | Jun 14, 2006 7:38:06 AM
Is this for real or a joke? LOL!!! You've GOT to be kidding me!
Posted by: James | Jun 14, 2006 7:35:41 AM
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