God denied having any links to conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson yesterday after He received reports that Mr. Robertson told residents of Dover, P.A., that they had rejected God by voting their school board out of office for supporting "intelligent design" and warned them of His wrath. Sources close to the Higher Being say that He is "tired" of Mr. Robertson and wants him to stop using His name.
God considering filing "cease and desist" letter
By Cole Walters
WASHINGTON, DC—God denied having any links to conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson yesterday after He received reports that Mr. Robertson told citizens of a Pennsylvania town that they had rejected Him by voting their school board out of office for supporting "intelligent design" and warned them not to be surprised if disaster struck.
Earlier this year, God received reports that Mr. Robertson had called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Sources close to the Higher Being say that He is "tired" of Mr. Robertson and wants him to stop using His name.
Stop calling please
This is not the first time that God has apparently been displeased by remarks that Mr. Robertson has made in his telecasts. He is said to have been very unhappy about a request Mr. Robertson made to Him last year, asking that He remove three Supreme Court Justices so that they could be replaced by conservatives. Mr. Robertson suggested that God put in the minds of the three oldest judges that it might be time to retire.
"Frankly He’s a little bit tired of this guy and thinks his shtick is getting really old," says a source who works closely with the Higher Being. The source notes that God has even contacted a lawyer about sending Mr. Robertson a "cease and desist" letter, demanding that the conservative broadcaster stop using His name on the 700 Club, in speeches and in other correspondence.
A troubled relationship
This is not the first time that Mr. Robertson and the Higher Being for whom he supposedly works have fallen out. God was reportedly irritated by Mr. Robertson’s claim in 1988 that he had Divine backing in his quest for the Presidential nomination. Aids to God at the time insisted that He had yet to make a decision in that race and was decidedly queasy about backing a televangelist. "That was really the beginning of the end," says an advisor to God at the time. "He had no choice but to intervene and make sure that this guy didn’t make it past the primary."
More denunciations to come?
Some political observers are questioning, however, why God would make a public statement in response to one particular outrageous statement when it has become so commonplace in recent days for religious activists including Dr. James Dobson, Tony Perkins and Pastor Roy DeLong, to invoke His name in attacks on everything from activist judges to same-sex marriage.
No more anal sex please
But sources close to God say that this is likely only the first public appearances that He will make as He seeks to distance himself from US religious leaders. Aids to the Higher Being say that He was not a fan of either Justice Sunday I or II, calling them bad TV, and that He is tired of receiving prayers about sodomy. "He has a message for his American fans in particular," say sources close to Him. "If you're going to pray, lay off the dirty sex talk. He’s sick of hearing about it."
Who do you think that God should denounce next? Talk back to Cole Walters.