Plan to Make Americans Nine Months Older Gains Ground

If a group of conservative political leaders gets its way, every American will soon be nine months older than they are today. According to the Truth in Age Act, currently being debated on Capitol Hill, the lives of individuals will be dated not from birth but from conception. While the measure has strong backing from values voters, supporters expect a tough fight from celebrities, few of whom want to see an additional 9 months tacked onto their ages.

Melanie Griffith, Madonna seen as high-profile opponents of Truth in Age Act.   

By Deanna Swift

WASHINGTON, DC—According to his official biography, Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn is 57 years old. But ask the Senator how old he is and you'll get a different answer: 58. That's because Mr. Coburn dates his life not from birth, as is the common practice in America and most of the world, but from the date upon which he was conceived: June 23, 1947.

If it sounds odd, Mr. Coburn and his staff—all of whom have added nine months to their own ages—consider it anything but. "The Senator says that he is 58 years old because he was conceived 58 years ago," says a staff member who asked to remain anonymous, but gives his own age as 37.

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The Truth in Age Act
In fact, Mr. Coburn and his conservative allies in the Senate feel so strongly about the issue that they will soon introduce a bill that will add nine months to the lives of every single American. The bill, known as the Truth in Age Act, is currently gathering sponsors on Capitol Hill, but already claims as backers some of the marquee names of the pro-family movement: 48-year-old Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, 55-year-old Jim DeMint of South Carolina and 55-year-old George Allen of Virginia.

Needed: a conception certificate
If the bill is enacted into law—something that political insiders say is a 'no-brainer' given today's pro-family climate in Washington—Americans would be required to identify their date of conception or DOC. Proof of 'conception day' will soon be necessary to secure everything from a passport to a Social Security card and a drivers license. Some government agencies say that they're already preparing for the shift away from birth certificates to the new conception certificates.

"Treat it as you would any other form of essential identification," says Marlie Schaeffer, a spokeswoman for the Social Security Administration. "Keep in mind that the certificate of conception has to be an original document. We can't accept photocopies or a document that you've had notarized yourself."

Hallmark shifting toward 'Conception Day' cards
Major makers of birthday cards—62% of the everyday occasion card industry—say that they're already preparing to make the shift to conception cards, as Americans stop celebrating the day they made their first physical appearance on earth and start ringing in the day that a father's sperm and a mother's egg first united. Birthday card giant Hallmark is said to be close to rolling out a new line of Conception Day cards that will replace traditional birthday imagery of cakes and gifts with stylized imagery of spermatozoa and ova.

Documentation difficulties
While initial polls indicate widespread bipartisan enthusiasm for the Truth in Age Act, even supporters admit that documenting their conception date may be difficult for some Americans. Victims of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, for example, lost many of their documents in the aftermaths of those storms, including their conception data. Lawmakers have signaled that they may be willing to write into the law a temporary exemption for hurricane victims, allowing them to retain their current ages until they are back on their feet.

Celebrity resistance expected
Resistance is also expected from a number of high-profile celebrities including Melanie Griffith, Barbra Streisand and Madonna, aging starlets who are loathe to add an additional nine months onto their already advancing years. Conservative stars, however, are said to be embracing the change. Sources close to Jennifer Aniston say that she is already updating her personal information to reflect her date of conception. "She's not ashamed to say that she was conceived 37 years ago," says a longtime friend to the actress. "She considers that the date that her life began."

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