Indictment Likely to Keep Tom DeLay from Heaven

The political future of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is in doubt today after he was indicted on a conspiracy charge. But the current heat on Mr. DeLay is nothing in comparison to what he'll experience if ethics charges result in him being 'left behind' to face a seven-year period of war, disease, famine and natural disaster known as the Tribulation.

Experts cite strict Biblical prohibition against taking bribes

By Deanna Swift

WASHINGTON, DC—The future of powerful Texas Republican Tom DeLay is in doubt today after he was indicted by an Austin grand jury on a single charge of conspiracy. But sources close to the Majority Leader say that the heat he is currently feeling is nothing compared to what he will experience if ethics charges result in him being ‘left behind’ to face the seven-year period of war, disease, famine and natural disaster known as the Tribulation.

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While Mr. DeLay's political future--and a long-planned trip to Heaven--are now in doubt, even Mr. DeLay's fans who believe that the born-again Congressman will be Raptured up to heaven along with millions of other Christians warn that he could face more challenges when he reaches the Kindgom in the sky. At issue: strict Biblical prohibitions against accepting bribes in any form.

Love from above
It is the moment that the fifty-eight year old DeLay has been dreaming of since he became a born-again Christian in 1985: the Rapture, the summoning up to Heaven of millions of believers. Those lucky enough to make the trip skyward will leave behind nothing but their clothing, shoes, jewelry and prosthetic devices—and millions of their unsaved brethren.

Or left behind?
But sources close to the Sugarland, TX Republican say that he is not just worried about his political future in this world, but in the next as well. "He's understandably nervous," says a friend and confidant of DeLay's. "At a certain point it’s less important what the Majority Leader actually did then what it is folks are saying about him. The concern is that He’s going to hear some of these charges and believe them before Tom has a chance to clear his name."

Thou shalt not accept bribes
While the Bible doesn’t mention ethical violations, lobbyists or corporate donations per se, the Book is crystal clear on the matter of bribery, particularly bribes that are given and received in the interest of perverting justice. "Do not accept a bribe, for a bribe blinds those who see and twists the words of the righteous," warns Exodus 23:8. "Be careful that no one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside," reads Job 36:18.

Now, even some of his colleagues are beginning to distance themselves from the GOP leader. "If you’re going to violate Biblical principles this probably isn't the one you want flout," says a DeLay aide who expects to be traveling skyward without the company of his boss.

Entry denied
Not everyone is convinced that the Majority Leader will be 'left behind' to endure seven years of Tribulation, marked by disease, famine, wars and natural disasters likely to wipeout some two-thirds of the world's population and lead to the end of the world as it is presently known.

A less popular view is that Mr. DeLay will be Raptured along with his fellow believers, but will fail to gain entry to Christ’s kingdom. This view holds that once Mr. DeLay reaches the Heavenly gates, he'll likely be turned away by Heavenly gatekeepers in possession of knowledge and documents regarding the Majority Leader's ethics scandals that even the House ethics panel hasn't seen.

The biggest election of all
Mr. DeLay was quick to dismiss the charges against him today, calling them "lies" and "political retribution" even as he was stepping down from his post as Majority Leader. But some experts are warning that the ethics scandal that DeLay wants so desperately to leave behind could leave him behind—to face seven years of Tribulation and an unpleasant choice: martyrdom or the antichrist.

What should Congressman DeLay do to save his soul? Talk back to deannaswift1@yahoo.com 

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