August 23, 2005
God Denies Links to Pat Robertson
God denied having any links to conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson yesterday after He received reports that Mr. Robertson had called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Sources close to the Higher Being say that He is "tired" of Mr. Robertson and wants him to stop using His name.
God considering filing "cease and desist" letter
By Cole Walters
WASHINGTON, DC—God denied having any links to conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson yesterday after He received reports that Mr. Robertson had called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Sources close to the Higher Being say that He is "tired" of Mr. Robertson and wants him to stop using His name.
Stop calling please
This is not the first time that God has apparently been displeased by remarks that Mr. Robertson has made in his telecasts. He is said to have been very unhappy about a request Mr. Robertson made to Him last year, asking that He remove three Supreme Court Justices so that they could be replaced by conservatives. Mr. Robertson suggested that God put in the minds of the three oldest judges that it might be time to retire.
"Frankly He’s a little bit tired of this guy and thinks his shtick is getting really old," says a source who works closely with the Higher Being. The source notes that God has even contacted a lawyer about sending Mr. Robertson a "cease and desist" letter, demanding that the conservative broadcaster stop using His name on the 700 Club, in speeches and in other correspondence.
A troubled relationship
This is not the first time that Mr. Robertson and the Higher Being for whom he supposedly works have fallen out. God was reportedly irritated by Mr. Robertson’s claim in 1988 that he had Divine backing in his quest for the Presidential nomination. Aids to God at the time insisted that He had yet to make a decision in that race and was decidedly queasy about backing a televangelist. "That was really the beginning of the end," says an advisor to God at the time. "He had no choice but to intervene and make sure that this guy didn’t make it past the primary."
More denunciations to come?
Some political observers are questioning, however, why God would make a public statement in response to one particular outrageous statement when it has become so commonplace in recent days for religious activists including Dr. James Dobson, Tony Perkins and Pastor Roy DeLong, to invoke His name in attacks on everything from activist judges to same-sex marriage.
No more anal sex please
But sources close to God say that this is likely only the first public appearances that He will make as He seeks to distance himself from US religious leaders. Aids to the Higher Being say that He was not a fan of either Justice Sunday I or II, calling them bad TV, and that He is tired of receiving prayers about sodomy. "He has a message for his American fans in particular," say sources close to Him. "If you're going to pray, lay off the dirty sex talk. He’s sick of hearing about it."
Who do you think that God should denounce next? Talk back to Cole Walters.
August 23, 2005 | Permalink
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Tracked on Aug 24, 2005 9:07:14 AM
the person below me needs to just SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Posted by: get real, fucktard | Sep 13, 2005 5:04:43 AM
please give Pat a break. He is a devoted person and when he smiles I feel just like GOD herself is smiling at me. By the way every single person who was stucked at the New Orleans convention center and the big stadium should send Pat 5$ because he spent whole half an hour to pray for them and his prayer was answered few days later. Praise The Lord and The Federal Reserve System(for printing enough $ out of the air)
Posted by: bauer | Sep 5, 2005 7:06:24 AM
speaking as a dyed in the wool conservative, who has been a conservative since jesus christ was a corporal, and nobody had heard of robertson, i'd suggest pat robertson needs a nice hot cup of shut the f*** up
Posted by: "gunner" | Sep 3, 2005 5:45:28 AM
Deerly Beluvved, Ah Bes-seech Yew,
God is gettin' vury, VURY, V-U-R-Y tarred uv awl theez "evangelists" jet-settin' aroun' th' globe an' coughin'-up His Name en vayne.
Fer example, this pas' weeken', en obvious response tu "evangelist" Pat Robertson's re-marx konsurnin' Hugo Chavez uv Venny-zuela...I hev reseeved awn VURY GUD awthority thet He is Mightily Displeezed with Pat Robertson. [An' with Pat Boone, tu!]
Just for BEIN' 'Pat Boone', fer chrissakes!
En fact, Ah hev uh direck line tu God, mahseff, an' Ah K-N-O-W-Z thet Th' Almighty IS p-i-s-s-e-d!!!
Jes' this mornin', awn mah way en tu th' offiss, Ah cum aroun' tu mah awfframp - an' thur it wuz:
Starin' et me, an' thowzunds upon thowzunds uv commuturz raht-chur en th' face..uh huge billboard en stark black backin' with huge white letters an' th' mess-uj:
"DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE......."
[p.s. Then there's the lingering fallout over whack jobs like Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swaggart, Ralph Reed,
Jerry Falwell, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, The Rev. Don Wildmon, and The Rev. James Dobson - and don't forget Brother Bob, down on his knees on his prayer pillow, blessing handkerchiefs and sending out FREE to "the faithful" all those "autographed photos" of Jesus Xavier Christ - for a nominal fee of only $10]
With Mah Blessin's,
The Reverend Jimmy Cee in Knox Vay-gus, Tenn-uh-seee
Posted by: James Nolan Campbell | Aug 30, 2005 12:18:04 AM
Pat Bucanhan needs smiteing in the quickest way.
Posted by: JM | Aug 29, 2005 8:46:06 PM
It would be nice to hear God's comments on Robertson's business dealings with the late dictator Mobutu Sese Seko.
...or Liberian "President" Charles Taylor.
My favorite part is Roberston getting on TV to ask people for money to buy a plane.... three planes are purchased and then pressed into service for Roberston's business dealings in Africa.
Posted by: j | Aug 29, 2005 2:01:01 PM
Pat Robertson is not sorry for saying that america should take him out, in another word assassinate him.
becouse pat is the devil, he talks like the devil act like the devil, he must be the devil.
Posted by: kabba | Aug 25, 2005 10:37:17 PM
And people who can't freaking spell "denounce," I guess, just to even things up a bit.
Posted by: Jesus Chong | Aug 24, 2005 11:08:34 PM
Denouynce? WTF, God? Go right to smiting. Start with Pat, that fat f*** Falwell and then anybody who preaches on TV. Or has a show on Fox
Posted by: Jesus Chong | Aug 24, 2005 11:07:43 PM
hey, where is your rss feed?
Posted by: dude | Aug 24, 2005 4:49:18 PM