Heartened by their progress in debunking Darwin's controversial theory of evolution, social conservatives are gearing up for another battle in the intellectual culture wars: against Albert Einstein's theory of relativism. Critics of the world-famous German scientist want to see his insight that nothing in the universe is morally any better than anything else replaced with a theory of moral certainty.
Einstein's pacifism, communist tendencies seen as 'black marks'
By Cole Walters
TOPEKA, KS—It is arguably the most important theory in all of America today: Einstein's theory of relativism in which the famous German scientist alleged that nothing in the universe is morally any better than anything else. But while the now dead thinker's insights have been popular for years, a growing chorus of critics would like to see his theory of relativism replaced by a more compelling paradigm: a theory of moral certitude.
Overlooking the obvious
It all began innocently enough, say scientific observers. Albert Einstein, a German-born physicist who later immigrated to America, was searching for an explanation of how the universe worked. But rather than reaching for the obvious answer—that God created the universe, the earth, the sun, moon and stars, plants and animals, and the first two people, within six ordinary days, Professor Einstein spun a wildly different account.
In his now infamous series of lectures before the Prussian Academy of Sciences in 1915, Professor Einstein asserted that it didn't matter how or by whom the universe had been created because it was all relative.
Relativism at the movies
For many years the cultural implications of this wild conjecture went unnoticed. Few Americans had heard of Professor Einstein, and fewer still were familiar with his theory, or the field of cosmetology that he helped to popularize. But then came the hit 1994 film "IQ," in which America's sweetheart Meg Ryan played Einstein's niece, and it wasn't long before his theory of relativism had taken hold in the nation's theaters, its schools—even its malls.
Einstein does Paris
Now a growing body of critics wants to see the famous white-haired physicist—played in the movie by the tartly lovable Walther Matthau—lose his unofficial title as the greatest scientist of the 20th century. Instead, they'd like to see him branded with a less laudatory label: the scientific force behind decades of cultural coarsening and decline culminating in such anti-family fare as Paris Hilton's nearly nude burger advertisement for Carl's Jr. and Jessica Simpson's x-rated version of "These Boots Were Made for Walking."
The physicist gets a 'Papal smear'
Earlier this year, the world's current most famous German, Pope Benedict, weighed in on the once feted physicist, blaming him for unleashing a "dictatorship of relativism" that threatens the absolute truth claims of religion. Explaining the 'Papal smear,' a source close to the Pope noted "our big enemies right now are relativism, pluralism, and naturalism, but the last two don't have the same name recognition or brand value. That's why it makes sense to go after Einstein."
A general theory of moral certainty
While most high school students no longer learn about Einstein's infamous theory in school because it is too complicated for standardized testing, critics of relativism would like to see any references to the "I'm OK, You're OK" view of the universe replaced with a theory that stresses moral certainty. Beginning this fall, some school districts in Kansas, Texas and Pennsylvania will offer a semester-long look at the Genesis creation narrative in place of classes in physics and astrophysics.
And for at least one school, a name change is in order. The unfortunately named "Albert Einstein High School" in Kensington, MD, is reportedly considering adopting a worthier moniker: "Dr. James Dobson High."
What else is Albert Einstein to blame for? Talk back to Cole Walters at [email protected]