Americans eager to dismantle the outmoded wall between church and state and ban the teaching of evolution and other controversial theories in classrooms may have to wait a bit longer, conservatives are counseling. But while conservative groups were outraged at this week's Senate compromise that headed off the so-called nuclear option, they are heartened by recent polls showing that many Americans are tiring of democracy and ready to adopt a more rigorous political system.
Proponents of theocracy are encouraged to 're-fasten their faith belts'
By Deanna Swift
WASHINGTON, DC—Americans eager to begin the transition from a democratic to a theocratic form of government are going to have to 're-fasten their faith belts,' supporters said today. After a compromise was reached in the Senate, averting the so-called 'nuclear option,' conservative Christians warned that the road to theocracy, a form of governance in which a handful of religious leaders lead on the basis of divine guidance, may prove both longer and bumpier than they had hoped.
God is my Senator
For the hundreds of millions of Americans who call themselves 'theocrats,' this week's Senate compromise that preserved the filibuster and guaranteed three of President Bush's judicial nominees a confirmation vote was a major setback. Among the canceled plans: the dismantling of the outmoded wall between church and state, passage of a constitutional amendment banning adultery and the replacement of activist judges with new, more activist judges.
Even more significantly, a scheduled celebration planned for the weekend, at which a 5,300 pound statue of the Ten Commandments was to have been installed in the lobby of the Supreme Court building, has been postponed indefinitely.
Harsh words for nonbelievers
While theocratic Americans from coast to coast—from small towns to big cities—spent the day mourning the death of their divine dream, the leaders of their movement were quick to damn non-believing Senators to the fiery furnaces of hell. Dr. James Dobson, head of Focus on the Family, had harsh words for anti-theocratic Senators of both parties, noting that "nothing of significance has changed" as a result of the so-called compromise.
But perhaps no religious leader was as devastated over the setback to theocracy as Rev. Roy DeLong, chairman of the Coalition for Traditional Values. DeLong and his supporters had been planning on attending this weekend's Ten Commandments installation and were already fashioning a new abstinence-only code for unmarried congressmen. "To get so close to a theocracy only to lose it is just more disappointing than I can describe," says Rev. DeLong. "For the time being, we're going to have to go back to our original strategy of electing theocrats by stressing values issues."
A silver lining
Despite the obvious setback to dismantling the secular state, there is some good news for proponents of theocracy. Recent polls have shown that many Americans have grown tired of the democratic system of government with its demands for civic engagement and voter participation and would like to try out a form of governance that draws its authority directly from God.
One such poll found that 62% of Americans now believe that God intended for the United States to be a theocracy. Twenty-three percent of Americans were attending a Christian church service or were watching such a service on television at the time that the poll was taken. Meanwhile, fourteen percent of Americans were disqualified from participating in the poll because they had either belonged to or had given money to the ACLU at least once in their lifetime.
I married an activist judge
Further surveys have revealed that the majority of Americans live in abject terror of activist judges, fearing the black-robed gavel wielders more than toxic mold, North Korea, or even crabgrass. Asked what to do about the life-threatening problem posed by activist judges, nine out ten Americans said that the solution was to replace them with other, different activist judges.
Would you like to try a more divine form of governance? Talk back to firstname.lastname@example.org .