The 2005 Oscars: Guaranteed to Offend

With Oscar’s big night just days away, it’s time to place our bets on who’ll be golden this year. But as the horse race heats up, an obvious question rears its head: in this year of valuing values, what films and celebs will values voters find most offensive?

Take the Swift Report Oscar™ Quiz to find out which of this year’s nominees is the most morally outrageous

By Todd Fox and Deanna Swift

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Oscar™ has made his preliminary picks, and if the list is any indication, there’s a good reason why they call California the Left Coast. Swift Report fave “The Passion of the Christ” (not to be confused with another award winner, “The Passion of Chris”) merited barely a mention.

Instead, the contenders for that golden statuette we all love to love are replete with themes and issues seemingly guaranteed to offend any self-respecting values voter turned moviegoer. No wonder Americans have been staying home from the cinema in droves.

As we prepare for the big night—betting on who’ll be golden this year, mixing up a big batch of our favorite Oscar™-tinis, and making sure that the stars and starlets on the red carpet are clad in appropriately modest garb, an obvious question rears its head: in this year of valuing values, what films and celebs will values voters find most offensive? Let the Swift Report be your guide to all matters anti-family on this special night.

Take our official Swift Report Oscar™ quiz to help you determine which of this year’s nominees is most deserving of your moral ire.

Swift Report Oscar™ quiz

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1. Actor in a Leading Role    

   Values viewers are lining up behind Million Dollar Baby as the year’s most offensive pic, and Clint Eastwood, who plays a boxing coach turned euthanizer (Oops! We gave the ending away), as the most offensive star. But Swift wonders why the anti-euthanasia crowd gets to have all the fun. You’ll never guess what actor offended us most this year.

   Don Cheadle – Hotel Rawanda

   Johnny Depp – Finding Neverland

   Leonardo DiCaprio – The Aviator

   Clint Eastwood – Million Dollar Baby

   Jamie Foxx – Ray

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2. Actor in a Supporting Role

   With all of the attention on offensive leading roles, the supporting players often miss out on the white hot glare of conservative media attention. Let’s do something about that.

   Alan Alda – The Aviator

   Thomas Haden Church – Sideways
   

   Jamie Foxx – Collaterol

   Morgan Freeman – Million Dollar Baby
   

   Clive Owen – Closer

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3. Actress in a Leading Role

   This was a hard one for the Swift Report. As viewers with exquisitely sensitive tastes, we found each of these female roles offensive to our values. Where do we start? Being Julia is apparently synonymous with being an adulterer, while the Maria of Maria Full of Grace isn’t our immaculate fave, but an illegal immigrant who comes to the US as a drug mule. Vera Drake, meanwhile, is an abortionist, while Hilary Swank takes the ‘easy’ way out, agreeing to be on the receiving end of an assisted suicide. So which leading lady is most deserving of our moral indignation?

   Annette Bening – Being Julia

   Catalina Moreno – Maria Full of Grace

   Imelda Staunton – Vera Drake

   Hilary Swank – Million Dollar Baby

   Kate Winslet – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

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4. Actress in a Supporting Role

   We hate to have to blame Mrs. Kinsey for the exploits of her husband, but ever since a young Swift attempted to replicate some of Kinsey’s findings (see Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, p. 313) with disastrous effects, we’ve been suspicious of the whole enterprise. So while we’d like to sustain the suspense of our Swift Report Oscar™ Quiz, we’re afraid this one is a giveaway.

   Cate Blanchett – The Aviator

   Laura Linsey – Kinsey

   Virgina Madsen – Sideways

   Sophie Okonedo – Hotel Rwanda

   Natalie Portman – Closer

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5. Animated Feature Film

   It took the combined geniuses of Reverend James Dobson and education chief Margaret Spellings to help us see that beneath the fuzzy exteriors of cartoon characters like SpongeBob and Buster lies a pro-homosexual agenda. But which of these animated feature films is truly deserving of our big ‘O’?

   The Incredibles

   Shark Tale

   Shrek 2

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6. Swift pick: Best Picture

   In addition to this year’s stable of sin-soaked pictures, there were also tails of heroism, inspiration and death-defying adventure. While the obvious favorite here, the Passion of the Christ, was cruelly left off the list, Swift did find one flick we’d give our right eye to see again: Ray. “If only Ray Charles had lived long enough to see this powerful portrayal of his life,” says Todd. Deanna calls the film inspirational, noting that “the movie shows that even if you are differently-abled, a drug addict, or just black, if you work hard enough, you too can overcome.”

   A final note on Million Dollar Baby: while conservatives have blasted this film for sexing up euthanasia, Swift was actually split on the flick. Todd enjoyed the fight sequences, especially the convincing portrayal of female German fighters as hardened, ruthless prostitutes, but felt the film gave enough mixed gender signals (notable example, the casting of Hilary "Boys Don't Cry" Swank) to warrant a thumbs-down. Deanna felt MDB gave a million-dollar lesson to feminists: if you can't survive in the ring, best stay to the kitchen.

   The Aviator

   Finding Neverland

   Million Dollar Baby

   Ray

   Sideways

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