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February 28, 2005
White House Hopes 'Pip-Squeak' Can Help Peddle Social Security Privatization
Tired of being pounced on by 'silverbacks,' the White House is
turning to an unlikely spokesman to pitch its Social Security plan: a
9-year-old from Houston, TX, named Noah McCullough. The Bush
administration hopes that Noah will have better luck selling its plan
than grown-up Republicans have had.
A bright boy, but can he pass the Swift Report Social Security Quizzle™?
By Deanna Swift
KATY, TX—Tired of being shouted down by 'silverbacks' at every turn, the Bush administration is hoping that a youngster can do what grown-ups in the GOP have failed to do so far: convince Americans to partially privatize the government-run retirement program. Nine-year-old Noah McCullough, a 4th grader at Williams Elementary School here in Katy, will join the president's Social Security road show in March, as soon as his school lets out for spring break.
This is far from Noah's first foray into presidential politics. He campaigned for President Bush in the recent election, attended the inauguration, and even penned a guest column about the inaugural parade for his hometown newspaper, the Katy Sun. "The 55th Inaugural Parade was delayed but well worth the wait," wrote Noah, noting that his favorite personages—other than the president, of course—were Trent Lott and Tom DeLay. "They are both incredible leaders and who put a lot of time organizing each detail of the inauguration to make sure that it was festive and amazing."
The smartest boy in the world?
Noah has already made 5 trips to the Tonight Show, to show off his veritable storehouse of knowledge about presidential history. This summer, he bested Howard Dean in a trivia face off at the Democratic National Convention. The 'littlest Republican' and the former Vermont governor went head to head, answering such questions as 'who was president when the United States acquired Hawaii? Answer: William McKinley. But after Noah correctly identified the first secretary of state (Jefferson), and Dean misidentified the first president to travel outside the country (it was Theodore Roosevelt, not James Madison), the verdict was in: Dean had lost again.
Gen Z vs. the 'Silverbacks'
As part of an all-out battle to sell President Bush's Social Security plan to the people, Noah will travel to several states, appear on local radio programs, answer trivia questions and make some remarks about the popular retirement program. "What I want to tell people about Social Security is to not be afraid of the new plan," Noah told the New York Times. "It may be change, but it's a good change." He also said that he fears that the program could be bankrupt by the time he runs for the presidency in 2032.
Bush administration officials are hoping that the nine-year-old has more luck pitching the program to the people than grown-up emissaries of the GOP have had so far. In recent weeks, luminaries including Rick Santorum have been shouted down by aggressive 'silverbacks,' also known as AARP members. The angry seniors have packed town-hall sessions, peppering their politicians with hard questions about the future of Social Security.
No kidding
Deputizing the 4th grader as a volunteer spokesman for private retirement accounts is just one part of a multi-pronged GOP strategy to sell the privatization program. Earlier this week, USA Next, an advocacy group that bills itself as a conservative alternative to the AARP, went on the offensive against the retiree group which it maintains supports gay marriage and opposes the troops.
USA Next is now collecting the opinions of seniors who are "tired of AARP's liberal games." Wrote one fed up senior: "They recently sent a petition asking for my wife and I to sign to fight against the President's Social Security plan. I replied with a letter accusing them of being a Socialistic outfit."
Deanna Swift can be reached at deannaswift1@yahoo.com.
February 28, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack
February 25, 2005
As Thunderbolts and Floods Plague LA, Some Fear God's Wrath
As the heaviest rains in more than 100 years continue to
punish Los Angeles with floods and mudslides, some Angelenos are
wondering if the devilish storms have more to do with the wrath of God
than a persistent bulge in the jet stream. For celebs set to step out
on Oscar night, the biblical weather presents its own tricky conundrum:
how to look one's best on the red carpet, even as the heavens rain down.
Some wonder: would a best pic nod to "Passion of the Christ" calm the heavens?
By Russell D'Arby, Entertainment Correspondent
LOS ANGELES—For seven days and seven nights, residents of this city named for angels have been punished with weather seemingly sent by the devil himself. A deadly series of storms across southern California has spawned everything from thunderbolts to tornadoes, washing out freeways with steady rain and sending torrents of mud crashing through homes. Earlier this week, a section of the Hollywood Freeway had to be shut down for several hours, because it was submerged beneath as much as 5 feet of water.
With no end in site, some Angelenos are beginning to think about building an ark—or hiring day laborers to construct one for them. And just about everyone in La La Land is asking the same question: what did we do to deserve this?
And the nominees are: rain, rain and more rain
Meteorologists are blaming the deadly storms on a persistent pattern in the jet stream in which moisture laden air from the southerly flow meets up with cold Canadian air, and the resulting precipitation lets loose on southern California. But not everyone buys that explanation.
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Tips for the Red Carpet | |
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These tips from celebrity consultant Dee Cee Maravelo will make sure would-be winners are red-carpet ready—no matter what the fates have in store. Go Sleek—For hair that's guaranteed to turn heads, Maravelo is recommending sleek updo's, graceful chignons and neatly coiffed bobs. Why? Last year's tousled looks are too easy for locusts and other winged creatures to nest in. Avoid Fashion Disasters—Nothing makes a 'worst-dressed' list faster than a rain-soaked Cavalli or mud-splattered Dior. Maravelo is encouraging her clients to select rain and wind-proof fabrics in shades that mimic the disaster-wracked landscape. "Earth tones are very popular this year." Adapt—How to handle a plague of frogs or locusts with savoir faire? Incorporate these natural accessories into your Oscar gown, says Maravelo. "Remember Bjork's swan dress in 2001? I predict that we're going to be seeing a lot of locust lace this year." Be Choosy—Oscar hopefuls will be showered with thousands of dollars worth of goodies this year, but they should select carefully, says Maravelo, lest they end the night aboard an ark. One good choice: the Philips Sonicare and Crest Intelli-Clean system toothbrush, packaged in a limited-edition rhinestone-studded case. |
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Roy DeLong, pastor of the Spring Hill Baptist Church in Spring Hill, KS, is a close observer meteorological forecasts—and of biblical prophecy. He says that he first began to notice an ominous shift in the weather pattern over southern California in early February. "Coincidentally, that was about the same time that the Oscar nominations were announced," says DeLong, who until recently served as the head of the Baptist Leadership Council. "The next day the skies open and you could tell He was not pleased."
A pass on "Passion," then the floodgates opened
While prominent social conservatives have been quick to criticize many of this year's Oscar nominees as offensive to traditionalists and so-called 'values voters,' Mr. DeLong says that he's not as concerned with the films that made the list as the One that was left off.
"When they passed on Passion, that's when I knew that a terrible fate was going to befall the city of Los Angeles," says DeLong, referring to Mel Gibson's masterpiece that chronicles Jesus Christ's last days on earth. "And sure enough, the rains came, He hurled down thunderbolts, and sent the homes of the nonbelievers sliding down cliffs and into sink holes."
Star Jones, Melissa Rivers and a plague of locusts
For the celebrities who will soon be making the march down the red carpet, the near biblical weather events that have caused millions of dollars in damage and killed at least nine people represent more than just a soggy inconvenience. These Oscar hopefuls—and their glamorous supporters—must move beyond the death and destruction and select gowns and formalwear, get coiffed, shod and manicured, all the while wondering what the heavens have in store for them on Oscar night.
Fashion consultant Dee Cee Maravelo, who frequently advises top tier celebrities on how to dazzle on the catwalk, says that she's telling her clients to dress their best—but prepare for the worst. "This is the biggest night of the year for these folks. Not only do they have to face down a gauntlet of vengeful media. Now they have to be prepared for storms of frogs and fishes, plagues of locusts, you name it."
Maravelo says that she's advising her clients to prepare for possible wrath from above by selecting rain-proof fabrics and choosing sleek hairstyles in which it is more difficult for locusts and other winged creatures to nest.
For the winner, a rapturous night
For his part, Pastor DeLong is still praying that "The Passion of the Christ" will get a last minute reprieve come Oscar night. "All it would take is some sort of recognition that 'Passion' was the best film of the year and I'm fairly certain that California could kiss this hellish weather goodbye."
And if the rapture were to occur on Sunday night, signaling that true believers were, at long last, being summoned home? Such an event is unlikely to have much of an impact on the Academy Awards. This is one show nearly guaranteed to play to a full house—rapture, or no rapture.
February 25, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 24, 2005
The Moralist: False Identities for Dummies
Is it ever ok to apply for a position under false pretenses,
even if you lack the necessary credentials to do the job? The Swift
Report moralist says 'absolutely'—but suggests steering clear of
background checks and using a pseudonym whenever possible.
The Swift Report moralist helps untangle today's moral and ethical conundrums
By Howard Ogilvie, Swift Report Moralist
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Meet Mr. Moralist | |
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The Swift Report is proud to introduce Howard Ogilvie as "Mr. Moralist," the author of a regular column on these pages that will help readers untangle their moral and ethical conundrums. Mr. Ogilvie, a specialist in matters moral, will already be familiar to many Swift Report readers from his role as our official ombudsman. In that position, Mr. Ogilvie handled several sensitive stories, including the Swift Report's response to the news that executive editor Todd Fox had been included on reporter Jeff Gannon's 'enemies list.' To send a question to Mr. Moralist, write to swiftreport@yahoo.com. |
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Dear Mr. Moralist: I am seeking a professional position for which I have no credentials and very little training. If I secure the job, I will have access to some of the most powerful individuals in the country. In order to get the position, however, I must undergo an extensive background check, a process that I fear could reveal some embarrassing moments from my past (anything that goes on the internet, it seems, is there forever). I recently discovered a loophole that will allow me to avoid the probing search into my personal life but still enjoy the benefits associated with the professional position. I'm also considering using a pseudonym as my own name is hard to spell and pronounce. Must I inform my new employers that I am unqualified for the position and that I may not be who they think I am?
First, kudos to you for pursuing such an exciting career opportunity. Many people feel dissuaded from actively seeking out positions for which they have no training, experience or credentials. But the moralist sees no ethical reason why you should be kept from following your career dreams, especially if you are able to do great things while in your new position.
As for sidestepping an intrusive search into your past, who can blame you for that (even the moralist has a few dark spots on his dossier, after all)? Whatever small ethical lapse may be constituted by your bending, or slightly breaking, of the rules, is more than made up for by the good that you'll do once in your new position. Consider, for example, our new attorney general, Alberto Gonzales, who found himself in a similar situation just a month ago.
Gonzales knew that he would be able to do a world of good once he had the keys to his new office in hand, but first he had to submit to an intrusive question-and-answer session. His solution: not to flatly deny writing a memo that referred to some provisions of the Geneva Convention as "quaint" and "obsolete" (that would be lying, after all), but to rely on the ethically stronger "I can't remember" defense.
Nor does the moralist have any problem with your choosing a name that is easier to spell and pronounce than your God-given moniker (what we wouldn't give to have been christened something other than 'Ogilvie.') Plenty of political figures have changed or altered their names for ones that better resonate with voters. Take Byron Looper, for example, who not so long ago was just another Tennessee republican. But then he had the foresight to change his middle name to (Low Tax) (parentheses included) so that voters would know exactly what he stood for. The end result: it will be a long time before most Tennesseans will forget about Byron (Low Tax) Looper.
So feel free to pursue your career dreams, knowing that you have the full blessing of the moralist behind you. And I look forward to hearing more about you in the not so distant future.
JOB APPLICANT UPDATE: After successfully circumventing an intrusive search into his personal history, the applicant went on to shine in his new position. It is gratifying to see ingenuity rewarded.
Dear Mr. Moralist: My daughter recently announced to the world that she practices a lifestyle to which I am adamantly opposed on moral grounds. Must I continue to provide shelter, succor and sustenance to an individual that I regard as a selfish hedonist?
The things kids do! It's important to keep in mind that while God doesn't punish us per se, he does send occasional reminders our way. In this case, God is probably not punishing you for being evil, but may be offering something more tangible for you to speak against—a prophetic summons to 'work from home,' in other words. As for a moral imperative to continue to house and provide for a spawn gone to seed, the bible is filled with cautionary tales of daughters who defy their father—and pay a heavy price as a result. The moralist hopes that you'll take comfort in the words of Leviticus 21: 'If a priest's daughter defiles herself by becoming a prostitute, she disgraces her father; she must be burned in the fire.'
FRUSTRATED FATHER UPDATE: After careful consideration of the moralist's advice, the father in this case did indeed decide to give the selfish hedonist the heave ho.
To send a question to Mr. Moralist, write to swiftreport@yahoo.com.
February 24, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 22, 2005
Editor Questions Place on Gannon's 'Enemies List'
The editor of a popular conservative weblog is questioning why
his name has appeared on the list of 'enemies' that reporter Jeff
Gannon is considering suing. Swift Report executive editor Todd Fox
notes that his news site has consistently sided with Mr. Gannon in
recent weeks and suggests that the reporter's enmity towards him may
date back to a personal misunderstanding over the difference between a
professional colleague and an escort.
An evening of oysters and white burgundy ends with an invoice
By Howard Ogilvie, Swift Report Ombudsman
LOS ANGELES—The executive editor of the Swift Report, Todd Fox, is questioning why his name has appeared on the list of 'enemies' that reporter Jeff Gannon is considering suing. According to news reports over the weekend, Mr. Gannon, whose real name is James D. Guckert, may sue liberal interest groups, bloggers and others, including Mr. Fox, for what he's calling a "political assassination."
Earlier this month it was revealed that Mr. Gannon had gained access to presidential and White House press conferences using a false identity, and that he had links to patriotic websites including including hotmilitarystud.com, militaryescorts.com and militaryescortsm4m.com. Since the revelations, Mr. Gannon left his job at Talon News, and shut down his personal website.
Swift support
When the story of Mr. Gannon's alleged duplicity first broke, liberal bloggers and members of the elite media were quick to condemn Mr. Gannon as a fake with a pornographic past. But the Swift Report praised his even-handed treatment of the president and Bush administration policies, calling him "a breath of fresh air," and "a real journalist." "It's unusual to see someone rise to the heights of the journalistic profession with almost no formal training," wrote Deanna Swift in an internal memo to the Swift Report editorial board earlier this month.
But the cozy relationship between the Swift Report and Mr. Gannon likely ended for good over the weekend with the reporter's alleged inclusion of Mr. Fox on his 'enemies' list. Also singled out by the former Talon News correspondent was Media Matters, what he referred to as a "well-funded" liberal group headed by longtime "attack dog" David Brock.
Drinks and hors d'oeuvres—then an invoice
According to Mr. Fox, he first met Mr. Gannon at the Leadership Institute's Broadcast Journalism School in Arlington, VA, where Fox was teaching an accelerated course in journalistic ethics. The two met up again in Washington, DC in 2000, says Mr. Fox, for drinks and 'professional chit chat.'
"I thought JG and I were getting together as professional colleagues, but at some point after we'd both consumed a great many Bluepoints on the half shell and way too much white burgundy, the evening started to feel well, romantic," says Mr. Fox. "I had to be very firm with him that we were having a journalistic meeting of the minds and that this was not a date."
But while the two parted amicably, Mr. Fox says his confusion only deepened a week later when he received an invoice from Mr. Gannon in the mail. "I opened the envelope, very thick ivory paper with JG's monogram, and inside was a bill for $200. Well, I returned it and you better believe that I didn't enclose a check for services rendered." (Click thumbnail to view invoice.)
Advice to Gannon: come clean
It was that misunderstanding, believes Mr. Fox, which may have led his name to be mentioned this weekend along with several prominent bloggers and liberal activists. "Who knows, maybe if I'd paid the bill this wouldn't be happening," says Mr. Fox.
Mr. Fox, who created the Swift Report last year, has enjoyed a long and fulfilling career in both the publishing and entertainment industries. Starting as a dancer in the 1980-81 national tour of Jesus Christ Superstar, he remains active in the theatre, most recently serving as lead choreographer with the Billy Graham "Crusader" Tour. After completing his degree in journalism from California Baptist University, he worked as a professional journalist for a decade and is the author of a forthcoming self-help guide entitled "Stumbling Down the Yellow Brick Road: An Ecumenical Ex-Gay Travel Journal" (2005).
As for Mr. Gannon, Mr. Fox has only kind words to say about his former oyster bar companion and fellow admirer of President Bush. "You just have to live your life on your sleeve. You can't live a lie. I would encourage JG to come clean, especially with those he loves."
February 22, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBack
February 18, 2005
The 2005 Oscars: Guaranteed to Offend
With Oscar’s big night just days away, it’s time to place our
bets on who’ll be golden this year. But as the horse race heats up, an
obvious question rears its head: in this year of valuing values, what
films and celebs will values voters find most offensive?
Take the Swift Report Oscar™ Quiz to find out which of this year’s nominees is the most morally outrageous
By Todd Fox and Deanna Swift
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Oscar™ has made his preliminary picks, and if the list is any indication, there’s a good reason why they call California the Left Coast. Swift Report fave “The Passion of the Christ” (not to be confused with another award winner, “The Passion of Chris”) merited barely a mention.
Instead, the contenders for that golden statuette we all love to love are replete with themes and issues seemingly guaranteed to offend any self-respecting values voter turned moviegoer. No wonder Americans have been staying home from the cinema in droves.
As we prepare for the big night—betting on who’ll be golden this year, mixing up a big batch of our favorite Oscar™-tinis, and making sure that the stars and starlets on the red carpet are clad in appropriately modest garb, an obvious question rears its head: in this year of valuing values, what films and celebs will values voters find most offensive? Let the Swift Report be your guide to all matters anti-family on this special night.
Take our official Swift Report Oscar™ quiz to help you determine which of this year’s nominees is most deserving of your moral ire.
Swift Report Oscar™ quiz
February 18, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack
February 17, 2005
In Wake of "Gannon-Gate," Conservative Journalists Scramble to Hide Fake Identities, Illicit Pasts
Just days after a reporter with White House access was exposed as
having a false identity and a pornographic past, more conservative
journalists are said to be worried that their own double lives could
soon be exposed. In a related development, the White House is said to
be considering a crackdown on journalists who say one thing and do
another.
Ann Coulter denies rumors that she was once a liberal man
By Deanna Swift
WASHINGTON, DC—It seems like just days ago that the Swift Report was defending White House correspondent Jeff Gannon from allegations that he was a no-talent, no-credentials hack with a habit of lobbing soft-ball questions in the president’s directions. Well pardon us as we wipe the egg off of our faces!
But two weeks after Gannon asked President Bush a deservedly fawning question at a White House press conference, our fave correspondent has been debunked as a fake with a pornographic past. Gannon—aka James D. Guckert—reportedly secured White House press credentials under a false name and was given access to classified materials.
And while Gannon has no journalistic credentials to speak of (who does these days?), his patriotism remains unsullied. Recent reports have linked him to pro-military websites including hotmilitarystud.com, militaryescorts.com and militaryescortsm4m.com
Returning to 'private life'
Within days after Gannon’s little secret was revealed, he shut down his personal website and announced that he had decided to “return to private life.” Fortunately for us, Gannon’s absence won’t be felt for long. Faster than you can say ‘pesky bloggers,’ Talon News, the conservative information service for whom Gannon served as correspondent, had begun conducting an ambitious search for his replacement. According to a statement on its website Talon is “currently evaluating candidates to fill this critical assignment and anticipate minimal interruption of Talon's coverage of our nation's capitol and the White House.” Thank goodness! Click here if you’re interested in applying for the job.
According to Gannon's other Web sites, you'll certainly have some "big shoes" to fill, especially when covering stories such as Gannon’s laudatory wrap-up of the president’s state of the union address: "Bush Details Ambitious Second Term." We're not worried that Gannon will spend too much of his time off lying down. His freelance rates are attractively priced at $200 per hour or $1200 for the full weekend.
More sexposes to come?
While the Swift Report wasn’t exactly surprised to learn that Talon’s best-looking correspondent was something less than a saint (although our own Todd Fox strongly denies ever having hired Mr. Gannon as an escort), we fear that his dramatic expose and rapid fire fall from grace won’t be an isolated incident. If recent history teaches us anything, it’s that it won’t be long before another conservative commentator is revealed to be living a double life. Who doesn’t espouse family values during the day while licking whipped cream off the breasts of a prostitute by night?
The good news: because so many of our favorite pundits and commentators have already been tarred with the brush of scandal, there is at least some end in site to the endless revelations about illegitimate children, baccarat habits, hot phone sex and hotel room fondling.
Cheat sheet
Still, keeping all of the allegations of inappropriate behavior straight can be difficult. For example, do you know which conservative media figure was charged for committing a perverted sex act? What man in the news was sued for $200,000 for fondling the fanny of a male co-worker? And which of our favorite night-time pundits has a taste for Thai (and we don’t mean spring rolls)?
If you’re anything like the Swift Report, you could probably use a little help connecting the name with the offense. Let our easy Shady Bunch Match Game assist you. Keep in mind, the "shames" on the left-hand column may be associated with more than one name on the right.
February 17, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack
February 15, 2005
More Aircraft Laser Incidents Pinned on Gay Club-Goers
FBI agents have traced another airline laser incident to a gay nightclub, this one in Dallas, TX. Last year, after pilots began complaining of laser beams penetrating their cockpits, investigators linked the green beams to gay nightclubs around the country, where laser wielders use the green rays to shine a light on club ‘hotties.’
For one gay couple, night out ends in handcuffs
By Todd Fox
Editor’s note: this is an updated version of a story that originally appeared on the Swift Report on January 7th, 2005. We will continue to bring you breaking news on this topic as it unfolds.
Dallas, TX—Investigators are blaming the latest in a series of airline laser incidents on more gay club-goers. After the captain of an American Airlines jet reported that a laser beam had penetrated his cockpit as the plane prepared to land at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport, investigators fanned out to gay nightclubs throughout the area. They reportedly found dozens of men armed with green lasers at popular gay clubs in Dallas including Buddies II, Hidden Door and Zippers.
A good time—gone bad
Investigators first became aware that gay club-goers were the source of the airline laser incidents after Cleveland residents Paco Garcia and his boyfriend Thom Feldman were detained when Garcia inadvertently pointed his laser beam—a popular accessory at gay dance clubs—at a police helicopter.
“Suddenly all these black SUVs surrounded our MiniCoop,” says Garcia. “Next thing we knew, we were in the back seat of a Ford Explorer wearing handcuffs." Adds Feldman: "We're open to a lot of stuff, but S&M is not big on our list."
But their nightmare was far from over. The two men were held until the next morning, as members of the FBI and local police force questioned them about their connection to recent laser incidents in the Cleveland area, including one that took place on New Year’s Eve as a commercial jet approached the Cleveland Hopkins International Airport.
Laser lovers to blame
Garcia and Feldman were released without charges after authorities determined that they didn’t have enough evidence to hold the men. Under the Patriot Act, the men could have faced up to 25 years in prison and a $500,000 fine for disrupting the operation of a mass transportation vehicle.
But while this particular couple got off, authorities now believe that gay club-goers may have been responsible for pointing lasers at aircraft in other areas. The FBI is said to be interviewing patrons of the following nightclubs about recent laser episodes:
• The Hide and Seek Complex, Colorado Springs, CO. On Dec. 27, two pilots reported that green pulsating laser lights were shone into their cockpits as they were approaching the Colorado Springs airport. Both the passenger plane and a cargo plane landed without incident.
• Bricks Club, Salt Lake City, UT. In September, a Delta Air Lines pilot reported an eye injury from a laser beam shone into the cockpit during a landing approach in Salt Lake City.
• The Tool Box, Nashville, TN. Earlier this week, a green laser was pointed at a Chicago-bound regional jet as it took off from Nashville International Airport.
Homosexuals, terrorists, or both?
Earlier this year, federal agents charged Parsippany, NJ resident David Banach under the terms of the Patriot Act after he confessed to pointing a light beam at two aircraft.
Agents said they’re still not clear on whether Banach is gay, but note that they’ve been interviewing patrons of Connexions, a Parsippany club that offers country line dancing on Tuesday nights and caters to gay men.
“We’re obviously at the beginning of our inquiry and we’re not sure if this particular individual was intending to try to bring down the aircraft or was just a homosexual having a bit of fun,” says John Parris, an FBI spokesman. “By talking to gay men who are going out to these clubs to dance and what not, then get the urge to point their lasers at planes, we need to say ‘don’t do it.’ There are serious penalties involved here.”
Queer eye on the hot guy
In recent years, pocket lasers have become increasingly popular at gay dance clubs. Paco Garcia explains that club-goers often use the green laser pointers to add to the excitement on the dance floor. “When you see a buff guy, guys point pocket lasers on him. That way he stands out and he knows that we think he’s hot,” explains Garcia.
Hundreds of inexpensive lasers were sold within Cleveland's gay community alone this Christmas, some for as little as $15. The lasers, while strong, are completely legal.
Fans of the pocket searchlights are also quick to draw a distinction between red lasers, typically used by teachers in a classroom lecture setting, and the green lasers used by homosexuals and terrorists.
Todd Fox can be reached at toddfox4u@yahoo.com
February 15, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (28) | TrackBack
February 11, 2005
Next up for Ashcroft: Poet Laureate?
Former Attorney General John Ashcroft is a top contender to become the
next Poet Laureate of the United States, say insiders. But the man who
penned “Let the Eagle Soar” faces a stiff challenge from the favored
candidate of conservative Christians: Roy Moore, former Alabama chief
justice, and the author of “Our American Birthright.”
Some poets balk at idea of appointing a ‘one-poem’ poet
By Deanna Swift
WASHINGTON, DC—When Former Attorney General John Ashcroft bid a fond farewell to public service last month, he was intentionally vague about his plans for the future. Ashcroft has said only that he plans to remain in the Washington D.C. area and will give speeches.
But sources close to Ashcroft say that he has his eye on a very different prize these days: he wants to be the nation’s next top bard, otherwise known as the Poet Laureate Consultant in Poetry to the Library of Congress. Were Ashcroft to succeed in landing the coveted post, the man often criticized for being a Bush administration “lightening rod” would have an opportunity to be an official lightning rod: for the poetic impulse of Americans.
It’s the job of the Poet Laureate, who serves for seven months and receives a $35,000 stipend, to raise the national consciousness to a greater appreciation of the reading and writing of poetry.
How high can the eagle soar?
Ashcroft’s poetry credentials are based largely on the strength of a single verse, a lyric-ode hybrid entitled “Let the Eagle Soar.” Fans of the former attorney general praise his skillful use of masculine syllable endings and strong end rhymes in “Eagle,” placing him in the tradition of Longfellow, Byron, even Francis Scott Key. President Bush sent a signal of his strong support for Ashcroft’s candidacy by making “Eagle” a centerpiece of his swearing-in ceremony in January. Guy Hovis, a Mississippi native and long-time performer on “The Lawrence Welk Show,” performed the lyric ode.
"Let the eagle soar,
Like she’s never soared before.
From rocky coast to golden shore,
Let the mighty eagle soar.
Soar with healing in her wings,
As the land beneath her sings:
'Only god, no other kings.'
This country’s far too young to die.
We’ve still got a lot of climbing to do,
And we can make it if we try.
Built by toils and struggles
God has led us through."
If Ashcroft successfully lands the position of primary poet, he’ll replace Ted Kooser, selected to the post last fall, and the first Poet Laureate from the Great Plains.
From the right: conservative couplets
While Ashcroft might seem like a shoe-in for the job, he’s not the top choice of conservative religious leaders, despite their support for Ashcroft during his tenure as attorney general. The Coalition for Traditional Values, which includes leaders of pro-family groups such as the American Family Organization, the Campaign for Families and the Baptist Leadership Council, has thrown its support behind former Alabama chief Justice Roy Moore, author of the 1998 poem “Our American Birthright.”
Our American Birthright
One nation under God was their cry and declaration,
Upon the law of Nature’s God they built a mighty Nation.
For Unlike Mankind before them who had walked this earthen sod,
These men would never question the Sovereignty of God.That all men were created was a truth “self-evident,”
To secure the rights God gave us was the role of government.
And if any form of government became destructive of this end,
It was their right, their duty, a new one to begin.
So with a firm reliance on Divine Providence for protection,
They pledged their sacred honor and sought His wise direction.
They lifted an appeal to God for all the world to see,
And declared their independence forever to be free.I’m glad they’re not with us to see the mess we’re in,
How we’ve given up our righteousness for a life of indulgent sin.
For when abortion isn’t murder and sodomy is deemed a right,
Then evil is now called good and darkness is now called light.While truth and law were founded on the God of all Creation,
Man now, through law, denies the truth and calls it “separation.”
No longer does man see a need for God when he’s in full control,
For the only truth self-evident is in the latest poll.But with man as his own master we fail to count the cost,
Our precious freedoms vanish and our liberty is lost.
Children are told they can’t pray and they teach them evolution,
When will they learn the fear of God is the only true solution.Our schools have become the battleground while all across the land,
Christians shrug their shoulders afraid to take a stand.
And from the grave their voices cry the victory has been won
Just glorify the Father as did His only Son.When your work on earth is done, and you’ve traveled where we’ve trod,
You’ll leave the land we left to you, One Nation Under God!
“These are both godly men, but we believe that Roy Moore will make the better Poet Laureate,” says Sandy Slokum, executive director of Defend Our Marriages, a pro-family group that advocates defending marriage by adding a ban on adultery to the constitution. While Slokum praises Ashcroft’s “Eagle,” she insists that Moore will do a better job of returning poetry to the family. “He’s working on a beautiful poem called ‘Ring of Gold’ about traditional marriage and how God intended it to be the union of one man and one woman.”
Moore is best known not for his poetry, but for his intriguing position on the separation between church and state. Moore gained notoriety after he refused to remove a massive concrete statue of the Ten Commandments from his office in 2003.
Poetry meets politics
Not everyone is happy about the prospect that either Ashcroft or Moore could soon be the most prominent poet in the country. Some critics point out that this is probably the first time since the Library of Congress established the Poetry and Literature Center in 1936 that a candidate is being considered on the basis of a single poem. “This is outrageous on the face of it,” says Donald Merkin, poet in residence at Eastern Illinois College and the author of Slaughter in the Chicken House: an Elegy. "The role of the Poet Laureate is to act as an ambassador of literary arts. Poets in the community worry Ashcroft will serve as a poetic mouthpiece for the Bush administration."
This is not the first time that the poetry position has been dogged by controversy. Communist William Carlos Williams was appointed in 1952 but never served. Williams’ appointment was revoked with the understanding that he could be re-instated once he completed “loyalty procedures,” but his term ended before he was able to prove that he wasn’t a communist.
Slokum and others complain that position of Poet Laureate has too often been meted out on the basis of political correctness, rather than the righteousness of the poetry. Of the 38 people appointed poet consultant or laureate, eight have been women and two, African-American.
Deanna Swift can be reached at deannaswift1@yahoo.com.
February 11, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack
February 10, 2005
Social Security Made Simple: Privatization Scores Big with Kids
In this edition of the "Swift Report for Kids" we'll learn all about our President's plan to strengthen Social Security. What is Social Security and why do we need to do something about it? Try the "Social Security and You" Quizzle and you will see why Bush's privatization scheme is the most important domestic policy since the constitutional amendment to preserve the sanctity of your parents' marriage.
By Gail Hernstrom, EdD
Editor's Note: This is the first in our occasional series, the Swift Report for Kids. In each edition, our paid education consultant, Gail Hernstrom, EdD, will take a complex issue and make it accessible to kids, using her patented "Quizzles"TM technique. For today's feature, Hernstrom, the author of "When Different is Bad: Raising Opponents of Affirmative Action," tackles Social Security privatization. Her innovative quiz helps young people understand the benefits of privatizing the government-run retirement program. Take the Social Security "quizzle" and see for yourself why privatization gets a perfect score.
Social Security and You Quizzle
February 10, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBack
February 09, 2005
Pro-Family Group Under Fire for Airing Pornographic Video
A pro-family group known for its high-profile crusades against indecency is facing criticism for airing a pornographic video on its website. The American Family Association is encouraging visitors to the site to watch footage of an extended teenage orgy. Some viewers say that they followed the AFA's instructions, believing that the "Without a Trace" video was about the rapture.
A perennial complainer against the FCC now faces complaints itself
By Russell D'Arby, Arts and Entertainment Correspondent
TUPELO, MS—When Marly Dirksen stumbled upon her husband Rich watching a pornographic video on the internet, he didn't blush with embarrassment and promise to seek counseling. In fact, the 42-year-old electrical engineer and father of two swore that he'd been doing nothing wrong. After all, to watch the teenage sex orgy Mr. Dirksen didn't have to visit an adult website specializing in teen sexual encounters. Instead, he found the footage on the homepage of the American Family Association, an organization that prides itself on standing up for traditional family values.
Busted
Mr. Dirksen says that he went to the AFA website in search of a form "thank you" letter to send to Bush education secretary Margaret Spellings. AFA is orchestrating a campaign of support for the new education chief after she stood tall against Buster, a cartoon rabbit accused of backing the homosexual agenda.
But instead of sending kudos to Spellings, Mr. Dirksen clicked on another AFA link and found himself watching teens having sex. "At first I wasn't sure what it was, so I had to watch it a few times," he says.
For her part, Mrs. Dirksen says that she is shocked that the AFA, one of the loudest voices in the current values crusade, would post a pornographic video on its website—and encourage members to watch it. "There were breasts exposed and thighs and things that you don't expect to see on a pro-family website. It's indecent and I think that they should take it down before another innocent visitor like my husband ends up watching it," says Mrs. Dirksen.
It is not clear how many AFA members have logged on to the site in recent days for the sole purpose of watching the teenage sex orgy footage.
Millions of members
AFA Online claims to be the largest pro-family action site in the country. According to the website, the organization has a membership of more than 2.4 million—and is rapidly growing. Members rely on AFA.net to find out up-to-the minute information on what corporations, television shows and cartoon characters the association is targeting for action.
The AFA maintains that stamping out pornography is a priority. Just last week, AFA chairman Don Wildmon sent a video message to members, confessing that while online to do research on SpongeBob SquarePants, he’d inadvertently found himself visiting a hardcore pornography website. Wildmon does not indicate whether the site he visited showed scenes of teenage sex orgies.
Without a trace
Cincinnati resident Ethel Walker says that she received the shock of her life when she viewed the video, called "Without a Trace." "I thought that because of the title it was going to be about the Rapture, and what it's going to be like here on earth when all the born-again believers in Jesus Christ are taken up before the Tribulation, just like it says in Thessalonians," says Walker.
The 53-year-old says that she was prepared for some nudity: "It's a well known fact that when we're summoned up to heaven, we'll be leaving our clothes behind." But the AFA video, says Walker, seemed excessive. "This was smut, pure and simple, and I don't understand why a Christian website would be broadcasting it to the world."
Seeing is believing
Despite the criticism of the Dirksens, Ethel Walker and others, the AFA is still encouraging visitors to its site to view the video. Visitors who watch the orgy are then asked to send a letter to the FCC describing what they saw.
"In one scenario," reads the AFA letter, "a girl sits astride a boy as they simulate sexual intercourse. The girl wears only a bra and panties, and another girl fondles both her and the boy."
For his part, Mr. Dirksen says he hasn't gotten around to sending the letter yet. "I read through the letter and I didn't remember that part about the bra and panties and the fondling, so I went back to check and make sure it was accurate."
February 9, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack
