In Wake of "Gannon-Gate," Conservative Journalists Scramble to Hide Fake Identities, Illicit Pasts

Just days after a reporter with White House access was exposed as having a false identity and a pornographic past, more conservative journalists are said to be worried that their own double lives could soon be exposed. In a related development, the White House is said to be considering a crackdown on journalists who say one thing and do another. 

Ann Coulter denies rumors that she was once a liberal man

By Deanna Swift

WASHINGTON, DC—It seems like just days ago that the Swift Report was defending White House correspondent Jeff Gannon from allegations that he was a no-talent, no-credentials hack with a habit of lobbing soft-ball questions in the president’s directions. Well pardon us as we wipe the egg off of our faces!

But two weeks after Gannon asked President Bush a deservedly fawning question at a White House press conference, our fave correspondent has been debunked as a fake with a pornographic past. Gannon—aka James D. Guckert—reportedly secured White House press credentials under a false name and was given access to classified materials.

And while Gannon has no journalistic credentials to speak of (who does these days?), his patriotism remains unsullied. Recent reports have linked him to pro-military websites including hotmilitarystud.com, militaryescorts.com and militaryescortsm4m.com

Returning to 'private life'
Within days after Gannon’s little secret was revealed, he shut down his personal website and announced that he had decided to “return to private life.” Fortunately for us, Gannon’s absence won’t be felt for long. Faster than you can say ‘pesky bloggers,’ Talon News, the conservative information service for whom Gannon served as correspondent, had begun conducting an ambitious search for his replacement. According to a statement on its website Talon is “currently evaluating candidates to fill this critical assignment and anticipate minimal interruption of Talon's coverage of our nation's capitol and the White House.” Thank goodness! Click here if you’re interested in applying for the job.

According to Gannon's other Web sites, you'll certainly have some "big shoes" to fill, especially when covering stories such as Gannon’s laudatory wrap-up of the president’s state of the union address: "Bush Details Ambitious Second Term." We're not worried that Gannon will spend too much of his time off lying down. His freelance rates are attractively priced at $200 per hour or $1200 for the full weekend.

More sexposes to come?
While the Swift Report wasn’t exactly surprised to learn that Talon’s best-looking correspondent was something less than a saint (although our own Todd Fox strongly denies ever having hired Mr. Gannon as an escort), we fear that his dramatic expose and rapid fire fall from grace won’t be an isolated incident. If recent history teaches us anything, it’s that it won’t be long before another conservative commentator is revealed to be living a double life. Who doesn’t espouse family values during the day while licking whipped cream off the breasts of a prostitute by night?

The good news: because so many of our favorite pundits and commentators have already been tarred with the brush of scandal, there is at least some end in site to the endless revelations about illegitimate children, baccarat habits, hot phone sex and hotel room fondling.

Cheat sheet
Still, keeping all of the allegations of inappropriate behavior straight can be difficult. For example, do you know which conservative media figure was charged for committing a perverted sex act? What man in the news was sued for $200,000 for fondling the fanny of a male co-worker? And which of our favorite night-time pundits has a taste for Thai (and we don’t mean spring rolls)?

If you’re anything like the Swift Report, you could probably use a little help connecting the name with the offense. Let our easy Shady Bunch Match Game assist you. Keep in mind, the "shames" on the left-hand column may be associated with more than one name on the right.

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