A coalition of Christian groups is calling on the Department of Justice to block the proposed merger between Procter & Gamble and razor giant Gillette because of P&G's ties to the Church of Satan. If the corporate marriage is approved, the new corporation will be the largest in the world to be controlled by Satan worshippers.
$57 billion question: what percentage of the new company's profits will be donated to the Church of Satan?
By Deanna Swift
CINCINNATI, OH—Just days after household products giant Procter & Gamble announced that it would be swallowing razor giant Gillette Co., a coalition of Christian groups is warning that the corporate marriage would create the largest company in the world to be controlled by Satan worshippers.
The groups, which include the Campaign for Families, Defend Our Marriages and the Coalition for Traditional Values, are asking the Department of Justice to block the merger on the grounds that it will give an unfair advantage to Satan in the battle of good vs. evil. The American Family Association submitted its own complaint, objecting to Procter's support for what it calls "the homosexual agenda."
News of the proposed mega-merger sent stocks of the two companies up sharply Friday, but many questions remain. What will the new entity be called? How many jobs will be cut as Gillette and Procter combine operations? And what percentage of the new company's profits will go to the Church of Satan?
Trademark of the beast
While the Gillette Co. has no known ties to the Church of Satan, Procter's relationship to the devil dates back decades. During the 1960's, Christians who looked closely at the corporate logo, a moon-star symbol that had appeared on many of the company's products since 1882, saw not 13 stars representing the 13 original colonies as the company insisted, but something altogether different: the Mark of the Beast. The arrangement of stars, noted these witnesses, secretly spelled out the numbers '666,' immediately recognizable to students of the Bible as the digits of the devil.
While Procter dropped its satanic logo in 1985, there's no word yet on what logo the merged companies will use, and whether the new image will incorporate the mark of the beast. Analysts note that in recent years, Procter has worked to update what has long been a staid image, and is thus unlikely to reuse the satanic logo from its past.
Our next guest: Satan
Procter took its relationship with the devil public in 1994, when then CEO Durk Jager allegedly appeared on the Phil Donahue and "came out" as a Satanist, acknowledging that a large portion of P&G's profits goes to support the Church of Satan. Jager proclaimed that he felt comfortable disclosing Procter's ties to the Church of Satan because of the openness of American culture.
When a visibly startled Donahue asked Jager if he wasn't worried that his company's close ties to Satan might weaken Procter's market share among Christians, Jager was quick to respond: "There aren't enough Christians to make a difference."
Jager later allegedly appeared on the popular Sally Jesse Raphael show, where he again announced that Procter was controlled by Satan worshippers.
Shop with the devil
The proposed merger will create a global powerhouse, marketing everything from deodorant to dog food. Analysts say that the marriage of P&G with its non-Satanic competitor is necessary if the companies are to fare successfully in a retail era dominated by Wal-Mart.
While Wal-Mart has no known ties to the Church of Satan, many Christians have warned that the retail giant's introduction of radio frequency identification devices to monitor supply and demand of its products could portend the arrival of the economic system that the Antichrist is expected to implement. According to Revelations 13:16, everyone living under the Antichrist's economic system will be required to receive an implant in his or her right hand or forehead.
The Rapture Ready index, a prophetic speedometer of end-time activity, experienced a slight drop in its Mark of the Beast category upon news that Wal-Mart's implementation of the radio tags had run into problems.
Deanna Swift can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org