The Swift Report

Hippies, Dems 'Burned Up' Over Flag Amendment

For hippies, democrats and other malcontents, summer is traditionally the peak flag-burning season of the year. But a push by Republican Senators to pass the Flag Protection Amendment may pour cold water on solstice celebrations, veggie cookouts and other warm-weather gatherings that typically feature flag burning as a main event.

Continue reading "Hippies, Dems 'Burned Up' Over Flag Amendment"

Most Massachusetts Marriages on Verge of Collapse

It has been just over two years since a tribunal of black-robed Massachusetts judges set out to undermine traditional marriage. Now say a growing number of experts, most marriages in that state are teetering on the verge of collapse. It is predicted that by 2013, the majority of adults in Massachusetts will be 'hooking up with' or married to at least one same-sex partner.

Continue reading "Most Massachusetts Marriages on Verge of Collapse"

Most Americans Confused About Who to Hate This Summer

As Americans begin the busy summer driving season, a new poll reveals that most are confused about who they should hate and why. While last summer's 'must hate' favorites, including war-critics Cindy Sheehan and Michael Moore, are now regarded as hated has-beens, few new 'hateables' have captured the public's attention.

Continue reading "Most Americans Confused About Who to Hate This Summer"

Cleaned Up 'K-Fed' May Seek Office

Kevin Federline is contemplating a run for office, say sources close to the aspiring performer, best known for his role as the husband of Britney Spears. 'K-Fed,' who often blasts California liberals in private, is now looking to take that criticism public and may challenge democratic representative Henry A. Waxman in next fall's congressional election. First step on the campaign trail: a new clean-cut, more professional look.

Continue reading "Cleaned Up 'K-Fed' May Seek Office"

'Death Tax' More Deadly than Gout, Polo Injuries Combined

President George W. Bush is encouraging the Senate to focus on one of the deadliest scourges facing the nation today: the 'death tax,' which devastates tens, even dozens of Americans every year. Mr. Bush is urging Senators to feel compassion for the afflicted families, whose fois gras consumption and thread counts have plummeted in recent years.

Continue reading "'Death Tax' More Deadly than Gout, Polo Injuries Combined"

'Mark of the Beast' Day Has White House Planning for Rapture

6/06/06, otherwise known as '666' or 'Mark of the Beast' day, is cause for celebration among Satanists, teacher unions and in the nation's Godless urban centers. But among key Bush administration figures there is great concern that today could mark the start of 'The Rapture,' in which President Bush and millions of other Christians are summoned up to heaven.

Continue reading "'Mark of the Beast' Day Has White House Planning for Rapture"

Bush: We Will Defend Marriage, Borders

They do the jobs that Americans by and large refuse to do: hairstylist, flower arranger, bathhouse attendant. But if President Bush gets his way, an amendment to the Constitution known as the Marriage and Border Protection Amendment will soon bar gay aliens from penetrating the nation's borders and undermining our most sacred institution: legal heterosexual marriage.

Continue reading "Bush: We Will Defend Marriage, Borders "

Group Objects to Words of Foreign Origin in National Spelling Bee

During this year's national spell-off, contestants were forced to puzzle out words of Spanish, Greek, Latin American, homosexual, even French origin. Now some native-born bee watchers say they've had enough. If they get their way, spelling bees from elementary schools to the nation's capital will soon be conducted in English only.

Continue reading "Group Objects to Words of Foreign Origin in National Spelling Bee"

Home-Schooler Misspells 'Friend' in National Spelling Bee

The first round of the National Spelling Bee ended in tears for many of this year's home-schooled contestants. Fourth-grade Katie Hulmich toppled out of the competition after inadvertently swapping the vowels in 'friend,' while fifth-grade Derek Conley substituted an 'e' for the 'a' in 'secularism.' 

Continue reading "Home-Schooler Misspells 'Friend' in National Spelling Bee"

Christian 'Conception' Parties Raise Ire, Eyebrows

Thousands of Christian couples plan to celebrate the occasion of their savior's creation by attending 'conception parties' this weekend, intimate gatherings where the conception of the world's most famous baby is lovingly reenacted. Fans of the pro-life parties say that theirs is a way of livening up the culture of life. But some Christians say that they're uncomfortable celebrating the pregnancy of a teenage girl, even if the father was a heavenly one.

Continue reading "Christian 'Conception' Parties Raise Ire, Eyebrows"

Jessica Simpson Snubbed Bush Over Security, Immigration, Sources Say

Sources are blaming a last-minute decision by singer/actress Jessica Simpson to snub President Bush on security issues, including the continued fall-out over the Dubai ports deal. The Hollywood hottie—and notorious hawk—had been expected to join Mr. Bush at a GOP fundraiser in Washington, DC on Thursday, but suddenly backed out of the event. Ms. Simpson was reportedly worried that her appearance with the President might be interpreted as an endorsement of his border security policies, of which she has been an outspoken critic.

Continue reading "Jessica Simpson Snubbed Bush Over Security, Immigration, Sources Say"

American Family Association Boycotting Ford over Gay Cars, Trucks

The American Family Association announced this week that it plans to boycott one of the country's top gay automakers. Ford recently announced plans to rollout five new gay automobiles, hoping to grab a piece of the market share currently owned by the Toyota Prius, the nation's unofficial top gay car.   

Continue reading "American Family Association Boycotting Ford over Gay Cars, Trucks"